Trailer Park Sex Party Saturday Night Essentials #...uh...what were we talking about? Doc Sez: Don't Smoke in Bed ...unless, of course, it's really good shit. Last updated 09/05

Sexercises | Performance Nutrition | Duct Tape | Bedside First Aid | Lube | Smoking in Bed

Proud to make yer acquaintance, Miss Maryjane...: There are circles in which a night spent with this little lady is a more appealing thought than staining the sheets with a drunk stripper. You wanna carry pics of your kids in your wallet, fine...I'll carry pics of what I raised.

Speaking of bonehead moves, let me also warn you against smoking in bed. No I'm not talking about Camel's and Marlie's. I'm not even talking about inhaling. (Yet.) I'm talking about incense. For some bizarre reason, a lot of babes seem to think it improves lovemaking. The only way I can see that happening is if it distracts the guy so much that he can't keep it up long enough to get it off, resulting in longer performance than usual. The simple fact is that if it's not something designed to go directly into our lungs, guys have only one reaction to the smell of something burning: what the hell is that going to cost me?

Women don't seem to understand that about men. Which is why guys have to put their foot down about the whole incense and scented-candle bullshit. If necessary, resort to the traumatic-childhood-candle-incident trick if that's what it takes to get the aromatics out of the bedroom. And it couldn't hurt to tell a truth that actually works during sex: "Baby, the only thing I want to smell right now is you." Trust me, it'll work because at the moment you say it, it's absolutely true. It's only after you get off that you absolutely must replace that odor with the sweet, sweet smell of a freshly-lit Camel.

But that's not to rubber-stamp skunky smells for the boudoir. I'm also talking about the wacky tobaccy as a no-no. Yeah I know what you've heard...how chicks will open up on good weed like they never would on Gordon's gin...and that's cool. For them. You shouldn't care if your date or mate breaks out the bong and turns the bedroom into a miniature version of an English moor. But don't you touch the shit.

Yeah, I know what the research says. Now you listen to what Doc says. Good smoke will get you horny faster than a Cialis IV. But it plays hell with the senses, and it is murder on the memory. Sure, you'll have the time of your life for about five minutes. But what about later? What are you gonna say to the good ol' boys on Monday morning when they ask you how you spent your weekend?

"Oh shit, man, it kicked ass...I got so high I couldn't tell if she was a woman or a noisy pile of warm hamburger...hell I couldn't even tell which of us was the man at one point...but I don't remember much else."

Brothers, if you've been there, you know what I'm saying. If you haven't, then here's what your hippie uncle should have told you. The time in the sack is only a third of the deal. There's also your own memories, which believe me you are gonna need once you're too old to pick up chicks at the bar or your wife starts the change of life. You don't think pot is illegal just because it gets you high, do you? It also fucks with your memory and your morale, and if all your memories of sex are twisted half-forgotten images more appropriate for an Aliens trailer than a porn film, then it's gonna play hell with your self-image and sanity in later years, and make you real unpopular 'round the cribbage table at the Shakey Oaks Geezer Park.

That said, there are exceptions to the rule. See that pretty pink cola above right there? Here in Canada, guys with the AIDS and the nasty cancers can grow their own dope as long as they're only using it to keep themselves functioning as productive, patriotic members of the community. I shot this pic in Ropey Mazurek's closet a couple of years after he got the AIDS after flipping his bush buggy up near Terrace and getting bad blood in the hospital. He didn't care for shit about no plants when he was still with the lumber yard, but today he's got a crop that would make your average hippie drool and drop to pray hallelujah.

...Doc's prescription advice... Bong hit Gong hit ...they all look hot on 12 beers ...blowing off a roll in the hay for some truly awesome smoke ...forgetting her name on Monday ...emergency hash in the freezer ...Aunt Marilyn looks hot on 12 hits ...forgetting a truly awesome blowjob on some just-ok smoke ...forgetting her gender on Saturday ...high on hash with a Hustler mag

And while I haven't actually tried this stuff (I am a doctor, after all...so I could get even better shit than this if I wanted it), ol' Ropey tells me that just a pinch of this stuff will turn your brain into a "wet, gray McDonalds Playland". I have no idea what that means - it sounds pretty fucked up and stupid, actually - but he assures me that for anyone who really knows dope, a fenced-off indoor playground with no color that smells like hamburgers and kiddie piss is a good thing. (This is why I stick to booze and pills.)

But still...I try to be a sensible and compassionate man, so I have to ask myself. If any of my friends and family were into that kind of thing and had a chance to try some of this stuff, would I say no on medical grounds? FUCK no...that'd be like asking me to turn down a shot of Crown Royal or a bottle of Heineken at a wedding reception. There's some chances that only come once or twice in this life. Puttin' the root to that former cheerleader you used as a jerkoff fantasy in high school is one of those chances. And for some people, well, sure...a chance to smoke something this good is another.

So am I clear here? If the chance comes and you really can't turn it down, take it. Sure it's illegal, but so is lickin' dick in most parts of North America, and you wouldn't turn in your own best girl for making dessert out of your doorknob, would you? Hell no, and nobody I know would get away without one hell of a beating if they turned someone in for jumping at the chance to get high on some truly legendary weed, either. What a fuckin' world.

Just use your own good judgement. Man, if you get high every time you get laid, then god help ya...I sure ain't paying for your psychotherapy when you hit fifty and can't remember any more who you screwed or if they were human or alien. And I may give you hell over a Monday lunch hour after hearing you talk about being so high that you can't remember if you even got your pants off with Christine McAllister...but I'll secretly be jealous as all hell, and getting gash that makes your friends jealous for weeks...well, that's something you can't put a price on.

"But Doc," I've imagined people asking me in fantasies where I'm a real doctor, "what about hash? Isn't hashish okay in bed?"

No. It isn't. And I'll tell you why.

I know you've probably heard about this "body stone" thing, and how good hash gets you sort of high but gives you this body feeling that makes sex just sooooo good. And I'll tell you the truth about that...it does. Unless everyone I've asked is lying to me, then all the rumors are true.

	There's nothing worse than firing up a bonghit and burning your fingers...or worse, risking ruining the mood if she burns hers. Forget those old myths about being judged by the size of your lighter...the shorter, pocket-sized barbecue lighters work just fine for all but the biggest bongs. Besides, if you prove you know how to handle the really big blazers, your woman might even think you can cook too...all the more reason why when it comes to bongblazers, you should throw back the big ones. Guys, remember the hunter's motto: the right gauge for the right game. It wasn't that long ago that bongs were considered fruity and antisocial, and people were actually disappointed if you didn't go to the trouble of rolling a joint big enough to be worth passing around. So while most of the younger girls'll be perfectly happy to blaze a bonghit, keep some papers handy for those expeditions in cougar country.

But having said that, I want you to think about something. Good hash is rare. Damn rare. And real dopeheads will just about sell their kid sister for it if they know it's around. So you think about this. If you've got a choice of smoking a bit of hash before having it off, and trading that hash for the kinds of favors and resellable merch that you'd normally never get out of people without a gun, which do you think is the more sensible choice?

You got it, brother. Trade the hash, have another drink to help you get over the sense of loss, and be very glad for the chance to make that kind of a trade. Waste hash on pussy...just don't waste it on the stupid idea that you'll get more out of it.

And if that still doesn't convince you, here's a little trick for jerking your brain back into its socket. The next time you've got decent hash, before you torch it think for a minute how half the dopeheads in the trailer park would look if they saw it. Now take a very small piece of it, smoke it, and as you inhale, imagine that you're taking a wrench set, pirate satellite receiver or pair of off-road tires and stuffing it into your lungs. Because if you're being selfish and wasteful with a delicacy like that, you might just as well be smoking mud-rubber.