Trailer Park Sex Party Saturday Night Essentials #5: What Auto Shop Doesn't Teach About Lube Truth is sad, lads...you don't know as much as you think you do. Last updated 09/05

Sexercises | Performance Nutrition | Duct Tape | Bedside First Aid | Lube | Smoking in Bed

• Why you absolutely have to know this stuff
• The facts of lube: natural vs. synthetic
• Choosing the right goop for the job
• Butters and oils: How to enjoy a 7-Eleven lifestyle on a food bank budget

The average single-wide stud can tell you the precise date in November to switch from 10W30 to 20W50 and even knows how to adjust the date for latitude. By age 12, most of us can even distinguish brake fluid from automatic transmission lube by smell alone. So why is it that we vainly assume that Mazola can solve any lubrication problem in the bedroom?

I know, I know...this should be taught in schools. It isn't. Live with it and learn now. You don't know lube like you think you know lube, and I don't care how long you've been jerking off or how good you are at it And you need to know lube. There's a school of thought out there that says that a dry hole is God's way of telling you that your mining days are over. But I don't think God was figuring on four-dollar gas, nipple piercings and cheap immigrant labor when he put that idea in the good reverend's head. As long as the rest of the world expects us to dig a little deeper a little longer, that should apply just as much to the hard parts of life as it does to the tough parts, wouldn't you agree?

...Doc's prescription advice... This is slick This is rough ...hard-riding with warm butter ...gels made by condom makers ...Trojan sleeves & Trojan lube ...going down on butter or oil ...unsalted butter from the deli ...advice from gay co-workers ...speed-pumping with Crisco ...gels made by Clairol or Jell-O ...Glad freezer bags & WD-40 ...going down on blueberry lube ...salt butter with table crumbs ...advice from hot chicks

Look, here's the score. Sooner or later, all of us are going to need to know lube. So you may as well learn now as later. Now take a deep breath, because this next bit ain't gonna be comfortable reading.

If your girl is so snotched that she could mistake you for Leonardo DiCaprio's cousin, you won't need any help in getting her panties wet. But once your "park pie" turns about 30 or so, well, let's just say that the puddle dries up a bit. Add about five more years, and they're likely to be the ones putting the moves on you. When they're young and tight, you're gonna need lube handy if your girl has the slightest bit of hesitation. When they're old and loose, some women'll screw anything on two legs with the slightest provocation, and they won't wait for foreplay. In the first case, it's your girl that needs the lube. In the second case, it's you that needs it, and if you've ever had your woman try to fit you like a fresh tampon before she was good and wet, or accidentally gotten your wick caught in a belt sander, then you know exactly what it feels like and why lube is so important. If you haven't had this scarring experience, then take a tip from those of us who've never gotten over the memory: once this happens to you, you'd better hope you never, ever again dream about bench planers or orbital sanders.

If this is all the prompting you need to know your stuff in this department, then move on to the next section. But I know from hard experience that there's a lot of us who need a somewhat more forceful and personal reminder. Let's cover the most common use of lube...the one you would probably prefer was just left alone: self-abuse. I want you to get up and go look at yourself in the mirror. Now tell me...does the person you saw there really look like he's smart enough to be the only person to ever have thought of jerking off with butter, vaseline, raw liver or blade roast? Fuck no. We all get stuck without live company on Saturday night from time to time. And let me tell you, those of us who make the most out of our one-handed drum solos are those of us who know how to pick the right lube for the situation. Laugh now if you want, but you won't be laughing the next time you forget a birthday or anniversary, and you know you eventually will.

You don't need to be told...with lube, as with cars, well-used means well-loved.

And to remind you still further of your place, lube is one area where you really ought to pay attention to that gay guy in accounting that you always feel weird around. You might think you could get away with talking about it to that ultra-hot inspector or file clerk that you know you'd never have a chance with. Nuh-uh...if she's that good-looking, she damn well expects her men to know their shit before even thinking about putting a move on her. She don't know from shit any more than you do. No, for serious advice on lube, you gotta go to the real experts. And if you ignore my advice, then trust me...eventually you'll have to knock on this door.

Think about it...do you really think that just 'cos his boyfriends are gay, their assholes just naturally lube up when they're horny? Hell no. He has to know his lube. So show some respect. Because what wisdom you get from him probably came at the expense of a few abrasions and rashes on some pretty goddam tender skin, and you gotta be one severely sick motherfucker to think that he deserved that. So if you have any doubt that ol' Doc knows what he's talking about, get up the courage with a liquid lunch and check it out. Seriously. Hey, it's not like he's gonna go lipping off to your football buds, now is he?

There...now, I know that was difficult, and you can rightly think of yourself as more of a man now just for hanging in and reading it. Now let's put this newfound self-esteem to work.

Baby powder is, of course, an absolute must for those "sensitive" women who chafe or can't stand the heat. In the absence of sweat or grease, it's at least something to prevent friction burns. Just be sensible...remember: women are not cars; powder won't make for a good lube unless she has a lot more metal parts than you do.

Let's start with the basics, and here's a bit of payoff from auto shop. You know the old old rule "the thicker the sap, the higher the viscosity rating"? You might also know it as "the hotter the engine, the thinner the oil". It applies in the bedroom too. Your cock is a piston...sure, you knew that...and high-viscosity lubrication adds friction and steals horsepower in the bedroom just as it does in an engine. So the harder you expect to pound, the thinner you want your lube. For example, revving your meat engine to 200RPM for a passionate filly with vaseline on the cylinder walls will make you feel like someone's trying to yank your crank out by the roots. You need oil or gel for the high-performance sessions. But if you're on an economy run, trying to make the engine last over a long night at home with the missus, a thick grease like Vaseline is just the ticket.

As for the natural-versus-synthetic question, well, here again, what you already know about motor oils applies just as much. Synthetic oils last and last in your engine; the natural ones - even the hydrotreated oils - gum up or burn off in a couple thousand miles. Same with lube...natural oils and greases just lose their lubricating properties after a few short minutes. But that might be all you need. Synthetic oils, as you know, should probably be changed with a cleanser so they don't leave unwanted crap behind in the engine. Synthetic gels and greases for the gash are just the same: they'll accumulate deposits and sludge, and if you don't get something to scrub this gunk off, it'll just stay there, adversely affecting performance long after it's no longer needed. So after five minutes in the sack with butter or oil, you can roll over and saw logs knowing that while the smell may linger, the greasy feel will mostly be gone by morning. But if you've used a synthetic, you may as well really use it, because you're gonna have to clean it up eventually.

Selecting the right lube for the situation is a personal thing. All you really need to do is keep a proper selection of lubes on hand to meet particular needs. But there's a lot of greasy kids' stuff out there, and most of it is as useless and potentially dangerous in the bedroom as transmission fluid in a diesel crankcase. Unfortunately, the tight-asses in government haven't done us the decency of supplying anything like an SAE spec for sexual lubricants, at least not yet, so it's pretty much up to us these days to make sure we're not getting two-stroke lawnmower oil when we actually need 10W30.

Let's start by going over what not to use.

1. In the first place, raw beef fat is not an appropriate bedroom lube unless you intend to marry your hand. Believe me, I know how difficult this is to accept, particularly if you've jerked off into a well-marbled sirloin at one time or another(1). But however good it might feel to you, keep your strips of steak fat in the kitchen.
2. Do not - I repeat - do not use any automotive lubricant in the bedroom except manual transmission oil, and this only for greasing bedframe joints. You may find the fragrance stimulating but trust me...women don't. It is permissible to dab a small amount of Quaker State(2) on your upper lip to enhance your own pleasure, but don't impose it on your woman. How would you like it if she thought Mr. Clean made a fetching perfume?

3. "K-Y is crap. Your grandparents used K-Y when making your parents!"

   Hand lotions and hair care products belong in the bathroom. Just because they worked well once when you jerked off in the shower doesn't mean they have a place in your bed. They don't. Period.
4. K-Y is crap. And I'm going to give you a bit of aversion therapy to make sure you never, ever use it in the bedroom: your grandparents used K-Y when making your parents! Just try to carry that thought in your head and using it in an intimate moment(3). K-Y leaves a sticky residue behind and combines with spooge to make a substance with the same properties and consistency as Elmer's Glue-All. Imagine waking up at 3am and having to peel yourself off your girlfriend's body to get to the can for a whiz, and you get an idea of just how 1940s this stuff really is. If your girl insists on some kind of sterile, store-bought "personal lubricant", get the real man's choice: Trojan. The stuff dries up and tastes worse than diet root beer, but it has no smell, feels pretty good, and won't create an airtight silicone seal between two skin surfaces. Truthfully it ain't the best stuff on the market (everyone knows that title belongs to AstroGlide) but then neither are you.
5. Lard is also a no-no. Your hillbilly uncle might swear by it, but then he's still wearing the same overalls he bought in 1959 to chaperone your dad's high school prom. Crisco? That's out, too. Gays swear by it, but hey, when you're screwing another guy, you can pretty much count on your partner liking the same things you do, and its high viscosity rating makes it a no-no for those quick, passionate pokes. Shortening is cheap and odorless - a single brick of the stuff can last a lifetime, and has enough preservatives that it probably will - but it's also thick and fairly rough, and doesn't wash off that easily.
6. Mazola might seem like an obvious choice. But for christ's sake, man, you're cave-camping with Uncle Woody, not popping corn for the drive-in! You don't fry fish in corn oil...you shouldn't mix other fishy odors with it either. There is only one fit sex-related use for Mazola: a bottle of the stuff will grease up a kid's water slide very nicely when everyone gets too drunk at an office party.
7. WD40 is something every guy needs to keep around. But not in the bedroom unless, as I mentioned earlier, it's used as a fragrance for heightening pleasure.
8. Vaseline is a synthetic. Remember...you aren't the only one who'll have to wash up later, and everything you've got to wash can be reached with a damp cloth. This shit works great for those rare cold-winter-night marathons when you're just drunk enough to keep it up for a full half-hour, but don't even think of using this unless you've got her permission.
9. You've got the right to refuse to go down on any chick that makes you wear a condom unless she supplies the lube and it's very tasty stuff. Natural means edible, so if you're riding bareback with butter or oil, hey...a little extra seasoning on the steak is no problem. But as I'll stress in a moment, condoms should never, ever be used with anything but a properly-matched storebought lube. And not all flavored or edible lubes are as tasty or edible as the makers claim. You're a modern guy...you wouldn't force any chick to swallow your spooge, would you? (Sure, accidents happen, but you don't mean to gross her out.) So why should you agree to a late-night snack that smells like tunafish and tastes like Bulgarian fruit drops? You shouldn't, and you can tell 'em Doc said so. On the other hand, if you do refuse to wear a condom, or agree to go the "natural" route without being sure it's safe disease- and pregnancy-wise, then she's got the right to refuse to let you park your hot rod in her garage...so consider your choices wisely before committing.

Okay, now that we've ruled out most of what you likely thought was okay to use in the bedroom, what do you use?

When it comes to natural stuff, think of it this way. Some of it is going to get inside her. So if it's easy on your insides, it'll probably be easy on hers, too. As an all-purpose natural lube, for my money nothing beats good old creamery butter for both taste and consistency. The unsalted stuff works best, and it's the 10W40 of sex greases...just thin enough to take a pounding, and just thick enough to last more than a couple of minutes. Margarine? Well, if you must...it'll last longer, but those preservatives can be nasty. My advice? If she's worth butter, use it. But don't resort to margarine without checking with her first.

And if you really want to treat your lady on a budget, pop into a health food store and pick up some...

...cocoa butter and glycerin

Bottle: Glycerin is a sweetish-tasting fatty acid which, when mixed with nitrogen, will get you a free Cuban vacation if you carry it onto a plane. It's also the main ingredient in nearly all of the most popular edible lubes. And you can find generic, pharmaceutically-pure four-ounce bottles for about a quarter the price of AstroGlide in any decent drugstore (it tends to cost more in health food shops)...and when you ask for it, you won't even get a wink from the clerk, it's that discreet. Mix with a touch of vanilla extract, and you've got a winning combination. Chunks: That white stuff there is unsweetened white chocolate with all the junk taken out. In other words, pure cocoa butter...the saturated oil extracted from cocoa beans. It's expensive compared to butter at $15-$20 per pound, but cheaper per ounce than most tube-lubes, and a half-pound chunk will last for months and almost never goes rancid. It smells amazing (women love this stuff, and love it even more when there's a hint of vanilla in the air), and has some really interesting properties too. For example, at room temperature, it's as hard as a bar of soap. Literally. (continued below)

But stick a ping pong ball sized chunk in the microwave for half a minute or so, and it turns into a thick, yellow aromatic liquid, and it stays liquid as long as it's kept at body temperature or warmer, so a ceramic ramekin or espresso cup on a desktop coffee warmer is a very useful accessory if you happen to acquire a taste for this stuff. After a half-hour or so, even too-hot-to-touch cocoa oil will form a rock-hard crust if it isn't kept warm by the bedside. Cocoa butter also has a very interesting feel...thicker by far than butter but slipperier than shortening. It doesn't have much flavor, just a very nice smell. Tube-lube is probably a better choice when you need to push the tachometer to cardio-benefits level, but when the mood is slow and lazy, nothing can touch cocoa butter for rich, greasy friction...it really does have a feel like nothing else you can buy. And it usually cleans out of linens in warm water (not cold...it has to be warm enough to melt the soapy butter) with even the cheaper detergents. Just be careful with it...it's very easy to overheat this stuff in a microwave and cause first-degree burns.

Cocoa butter warmed to body temperature

...but keep in mind what you learned in auto shop: mixing lubricants is a recipe for equipment failure. Some fats and oils are interchangeable; most are not. So if you're going with glycerin, stick with it for the whole job. That's not to say you can't mix brands, though...since most personal lubes are glycerin-based (and will list their ingredients on the package), you can always pour on a little flavored lube or tube goop. But if it's a cocoa butter night, limit your brand mixing to chocolate-specific games of hide-the-M&Ms and gentle and shallow "log driver" play with a Mounds or Oh! Henry bar. Mixing lube types isn't just messy. It changes the characteristics of the lube itself, and can have some unpleasant results. (Hint: fats are all basically fatty acids, and when they combine, they sometimes release fumes. "Happy accidents" are possible, but not worth the risk in an intimate moment.)

The protection angle

"Any time you have to dress Dick up for the party - and I mean any time - don't even THINK about natural lube."

It's also important to consider the protection factor when selecting lubes. Some natural oils can soften up a condom faster than Accent on a tough steak. The last thing you need is one more support payment that you didn't ask for, and these days even the 45-year-olds can get knocked up pretty easily. I know, it's a tough call, especially when she pulls out the chocolate panties and the strawberry lube and you know damn well she's been with a buddy who's just come back from the clinic. But you should never use natural oils and fats with a condom, and it's probably best to avoid temptation and stick with the unflavored lubes when Willie's gotta wear a raincoat to school. (Jesus H. Christ, where did that analogy come from!?)

As for oils, well, here's the deal. So many people are allergic to so many things that there just ain't much of a point in using anything that thin. Packets of canola oil from restaurants are handy to have for strange pussy when it comes your way, but never keep them for more than a year or so...they can get pretty gamey. Better just to keep a lubed condom around for emergencies like that, especially if she looks like the well-used type...or you do.

And that leads neatly into the final piece of advice on lube: any time you have to dress Dick up for the party - and I mean any time - don't even THINK about natural lube. If there ain't enough lube on the condom itself, then use a It ain't like mixing a K&N air filter with a Fram oil filter, my friends...any natural lube that in any way interferes with the integrity of latex - (that's the stuff they use to make condoms and cavity-search gloves, in case you didn't know) could have you wishing you'd done something as stupid as charging porn sites to your wife's credit card rather than taking a chance on the rubber not breaking.

Think about it...condom companies know damn well you'd sue their sorry asses into New Jersey if you had the slightest reason. They're just protecting their own asses. So you can trust them to protect the rest of your crotch.

1. At this time of skyrocketing meat prices, I should address this point in more depth. It is permissible to wash and cook the steak once you've nutted into it, provided that you cook it at least to medium-well, and don't allow it to go rancid before cooking. Swallowing small amounts of your own spooge will not give you AIDS, make you gay, or lead to mad cow disease. But...telling anyone you know that you did swallow even the tiniest amount of your own cream soda, even by accident, could lead to a nose fracture or hoof-in-ass disease. >>Back>>

2. Quaker State is the only motor oil permissible for use as a fragrance. Pennzoil may call their racing team "the Panthers" but this scent is far too faggy for weekend wear. You can always tell the guys at the bar who wear Pennzoil...they're the ones talking trash about their new Mazda's and their hoity-toity condominiums, and who can name every Formula 1 racer since 1970, but don't know the difference between a hemi and a wedge. Mobil is out, too...it smells like dogshit when it gets warm, and fragrance balance is horrible in most "generic" motor oils. The only acceptable substitute for Quaker State if you must wear a fragrance is WD40, but don't use it on pulse points unless it's mixed half-and-half with butter or artificial vanilla extract first. >>Back>>

3. If that thought actually turned you on, then you're one sick motherfucker. >>Back>>

"I'm here, I'm not queer, and I have my own lawyer! Deal with it!"