Trailer Park Sex Party Saturday Night Essentials #4: Bedside First Aid It's all fun and games until someone puts out a back... Last updated 09/05

Sexercises | Performance Nutrition | Duct Tape | Bedside First Aid | Lube | Smoking in Bed

First Aid, not First AIDS: An assortment of bandages and plasters can go a long way toward smoothing things over after a particularly boneheaded contortion. And as for those stray grease spots and bloodstains? As the kids say these days, "chill dude!" As the photo shows, they stick out like a sore thumb in broad daylight, but who's gonna notice in the dark, especially if there's fresh blood pouring out of one or both of you? So as long as you don't make a big deal about these stains, and don't have to scrape off the wrapper before opening the bandage, you should be good to go.

Safety in the bedroom is an increasingly important issue in the lives of both men and women, especially in recent years as the two-income household becomes more prevalent, forcing us all to become more efficient, and sex must often be combined with aerobic exercise, cleaning or meal preparation during the week. Don't get me wrong - I don't know a single guy in the park who doesn't have at least a few warm memories involving vacuum cleaners or heavy perspiration, but there's nothing like an unplanned sex injury for putting a serious dent in your fun and making you the object of ridicule both at work and at the pub.

Well guys, it's a different age...nursing ain't just the girls' domain any more, and none of us are likely to get very far imitating the ministrations of our football coaches or boxing instructors. And haven't we all been through at least one barbecue or mud-bog race where we couldn't find a sissy-boy for half a mile who knew CPR or the Heimlich maneuver when we needed them?

And let's not forget that even the smallest towns now have litigation attorneys. The days are long past when we could get away with not knowing if the heart was on the left or right, or assuming that we only needed to call a doctor if a blood puddle didn't stop growing in five minutes.

But hey...it's not like you have to blow off a day of college football or a Busch race to attend a first-aid course, especially if all you want to do is look like you know what you're doing. Take a lesson from auto mechanics...it's not their computer training certificates that reassure the girls that they know what they're doing, it's the sheer quantity of tools and mysterious technology, and the look of quiet confidence on the mechanic's face. We know that he doesn't understand half the gear in his shop...she doesn't. And the same goes for first aid.

...Doc's bedside first-aid tips... This is cool This is stupid ...a St. John's Ambulance training patch ...a good selection of Band-Aids and gauze pads ...leftover prescriptions ...10-year-old tensor bandages ...new, sealed condoms ...butterfly bandages for deep cuts ...St. John's Ambulance training (esp. on Saturday) ...Band-Aids with a good selection of cartoon characters ...leftover crack or junk foils ...10-year-old ankle tape ...sandwich bags or plastic wrap ...Breathe-Rites or carpenter staples

Being able to respond to the occasional bonehead contortion, abrasive situation or accidental face-punch can make the difference between a one-night stand and months of sloppy seconds and liquid breakfasts from your woman. That's why it's so important to be well-equipped for virtually any incident, and just as important to know how to respond and what to do when unexpected problems arise.

Sure, we all carry condoms (ribbed for her pleasure...of course), freezing gel (for making sure we can always last that extra thirty seconds), and the odd tranquilizer, painkiller or sleeping pill (for those gals for whom alcohol isn't a sure-fire rejection-reverser). But how many of us think of keeping an assortment of band-aids and pads in the box under the bed? Chicks love a well-prepared guy, and I knew one guy who actually went out of his way to scrape or cut himself the first time he was with a new gal just so he could show off how quickly and slickly he could cover up and get back in action. (Naturally, I'd never advise this for anyone else unless you've seen her HIV test results first and made a thorough inquiry at the bar to make sure she hasn't been at risk since the test.)

And remember this: your five minutes of Friday night fun are probably going to be the most cardiovascular exercise you get all week. We all know how important exercise is to health, so make sure that important activity doesn't get interrupted by a silly scratch that just won't stop bleeding...especially if the sheets are on her bed.

My '87 Ford Tempo. By this point, a lot of you guys are probably getting a bit drowsy. So here's a perker-upper for you. Spotting all the work needed on this car is sure to re-fire them cholesterol-saturated synapses and get you back in the mood to learn. And here's a brain-teaser to really wake you up: did this car eventually die from... a) catastrophic front bearing failure, b) transmission overheat and lockup, or c) confiscation at a roadside safety check? For bonus marks, guess the total amount of the fine and/or small-claims judgement within $100. (Hey, am I a great teacher or what?)