Trailer Park Sex Party Saturday Night Essentials #1: His'n'Hers Sexercises

Trailer Park Sex Party Saturday Night Essentials #1:
His'n'Hers Sexercises
Because the court-ordered shrink ain't the only one evaluating your fitness.
Last updated 07/06

Sexual fitness is serious business these days. No shit. When you see rich and famous man-twats like Sting on chat shows talking about tantric sex and you can't aim your antenna north of the border on a Friday night and find clothed adults on any channel, it's time to start thinking seriously about toning up that tush, puttin' in a few more crotch-crunches, and getting your fair share of the fun before some wise-ass city folk come along and marry up all our best breeding stock. Hell, man, this isn't just about physical conditioning...it's about survival of the breed for chrissakes. So get off your ass more, and I promise, you'll get your ass off more.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

We all have to visit the city from time to time, and it's just so hard these days to tell the good pickup spots from the gay bars. The exercise at left says "No Rear Entry" and makes it clear that those are shoulder blades, not fake tits, growing out of your back. The second exercise tells any horny hunk who misses the first cue that you're stretching the kinks out of a hard-working neck, not flirting with the locals...and he'd better back off before you finish your knuckle-crack. And for those times when even keeping your back to the wall doesn't ward off unwanted advances, "wall shoves" prep your pecs for a serious put-off, and places you in ideal position for a "tear gas defense". Just remember to work the hips so you can aim for the eyes, and don't forget to remind your unwanted pursuers that it's not personal...after all, you're only using these moves because you're on their turf, and trying to keep their hands off of yours.
Ivan-to-Be-Alone's

Missionary Sit-ups
If he's gonna do most of the work, the least you can do is be ready to come to him when you're in need of a smooch or just want to hang onto the hunk behind the handle. A few of these easy crunches every day will make the ride that much more thrilling and add precious seconds to his staying power.

You won't need abs of steel when the missus is tired and expects you to do all the work. Hell, if you only got three minutes in you, how's she gonna complain if you're going to all this effort? But this is the toughest position on the average guy, so these easy "pussy push-ups" will at least add a bit of strength to a glass back and set you up for a few more thrusts, especially if it's been a particularly bad week on the loading dock. Missionary Push-ups

Missionary "Suitcase Squeeze"
If you're going to be flat on your back, make the most of the moment. The tighter you can pull those knees in, and the wider you can spread those legs, the more room you give your driver to park, and the better it'll feel when he finds the "sweet spot". You may not be young and lithe enough to bang those heels into his ears any more, but hey girls, work these easy crunches now and then to show your guy how much you appreciate him; every man loves to know he's still able to fit his ride into a tight parking space.

These exercises were developed in conjunction with an aerobics instructor who happened to be staying in the trailer park for a month while her house in town was being fumigated. I honestly don't know how well these exercises actually work, because the one chance I had to find out, Irma had had three beers instead of her usual two and passed right out on me. I wish I could say more, but my lawyer advises me to keep my mouth shut until the results of the paternity test are back.

09/05: After extensive testing of these exercises with a few of the neighbors, I've added the following caveats:

Girls, don't force your guys to do these exercises. They work hard - even unemployment takes a lot out of you, especially during football season, the chase for the cup, hockey playoffs and summer heat - and they don't need the extra hassle. Seriously.
Guys, don't blame me if the missus guilt-trips you over these. If she thinks she can always trade up, just show her your wallet and remind her that you can always trade down.

Do not do these exercises if you are recovering from an injury, suffer from any medical condition, are over 50, or have a criminal record involving serious injury or loss of life. .

This isn't so much an exercise as it is a "move". The idea is to develop sufficient lateral tension in the spine that when you flex it left or right, your woman hears a series of loud cracks as the vertebrae fall into place. Believe me, nothing puts the fear of god into a trailer queen like the sound of a dozen vertebrae falling into place after a hard day's work...just the thing for a mock-rape scenario or passionate quickie. You'll know you're an expert when you can execute this move on the beat to the drum solo in KISS' "100,000 Years".
The Intimidation Crack

Rear-Entry Butt Pushes
"I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!" On those nights when you've been a bad girl and wanna be his dog in a sense that he'll find meaningful, you're gonna need strong knees and a back able to stand the pressure of successive re-entries, especially when Master's ready to blow his load and it feels like you've accidentally backed into a triphammer. This simple stretch helps strengthen the knees and pull the kinks out of the lower back so that it can take the pounding you know you deserve. And if hubby's a little hesitant some night when you're in the mood, make him an end-zone spectator for this exercise. Bonus tip: "Prime the pump" while hub's watching your workout by performing this one naked, or by sprinkling a few drops of warm water in a strategic stretch of your warm-ups.

Face it...you're trailer trash. Not a strappin' farm lad, not a college athlete, not even a former athlete. And eventually, you're gonna lose an armwrestle for arm candy. This exercise is critical for protecting your tendons even when you can't protect your dignity. After all, there's no reason why you should walk away with a wrecked wrist or shoulder in addition to your heartache and blueballs. Guys, if you wimp out on this exercise, it's only yourself you're hurting, and masochism hasn't been fashionable since the Clinton era.
The Stringbean Wristsaver Roll

Top-dog Squats
Here's one for you gals with big-bellied boys. This one's particularly effective when your man is so large that your knees won't touch the bed when you get on top. When hubby's back goes out, or just when you feel like proving to the old man that your latest diet really is working, you're going to need strong knees and quads when your man decides that he's done enough "missionary service" for one night. Squeeze the fists or use a pair of dumbbells as you squat to develop a strong grip on your man's spare tire when the ride gets particularly bumpy.

Here's an exercise that every schoolboy can do as well as a pro, and every guy over 50 had better learn to do like a pro if he doesn't want to end up having to figure out how to write coded euphemisms for Depends on the grocery list. Crossing the ankle is the secret...mastering this particular squeeze can keep even a "sixpack" bladder from leaking through a full period of overtime if needed without a hint of buttock fidget. Bonus tip: Look upon network-premiere chick flicks as "exercise opportunities" and they won't seem nearly as horrifying.
The Bladder Dam

'Noddy Lady' Neck Stretches &
Headbanger 'Cusser Cozies
Girls, you're not always going to be able to express your pleasure at AC/DC volume levels. This exercise works those neck muscles so that when you're hoarse from barking at the kids or screaming at the neighbor's dog, you can still shake your head violently enough to convince your guy that you're not just dozing off while he does his thing.

Guys, this exercise is killer for building neck strength and endurance for doing the tongue-Roomba on your lady's carpet. But there's even more value in these reps if you like your music turned from "Loud" to "Liquify". These stretches and neck-pulls can literally prevent Fender-benders, especially if you like to warm up for main event with some headbanger action at the local arena but don't like going home with a 'cusser from brainclapping some rhythm-challenged butterball in the mosh pit. The number one cause of lost IQ points among rural teen males? You got it...brain-splash caused by worn shock-absorbers during Born to Be Wild encores. Remember, guys...the head you lose, you can't give!.

A great exercise for across-the-room signalling, and just as potentially life-saving as 'cusser cozies. We've all been there...we're out with the buds and one of them is totally hell-bent on picking up the loopiest chick in the county, forgetting that she's famous for "borrowing" guys' wallets and paying them back with an STD or paternity suit. And sure, she's always got a huge brother who's not exactly Ivy League material, which means you've gotta be fast and discreet when it comes to warning bubba to break up the fight between his dick and his brain. Hardcore party-hearties in my area have been known to practice these exercises until the "headcase" signal can be flashed so fast that it won't even show up on a closed-circuit videotape.
The Headcase Heads-Up

The Bondage Squirm

When it's hubby's turn to wear the shackles, nothing will sour the mistress' mood like limp-ankled squirming when it's time to apply the lash. Guys, you're not going to have much room to dodge the leather once your missus realizes she's got you in the perfect position to ask for that new livingroom suite or bedroom wallpaper. And if your back ever goes out from a botched attempt to avoid a lash-stroke, you may as well kiss your credit rating goodbye. The exercise at left naturally works best with your girl squatting on your feet, but even if you can't get this kind of assistance, this is still a useful exercise for any guy who likes to trade places in the tower of power. The exercise at right is perfect for developing a quick pelvic dodge when your lady prefers single-point restraint over the classic "bedpost spread".

This document is copyright ©2005 Cub Lea, all rights reserved. For reproduction permission, contact the publisher. Remember...sex is a contact sport, so be sure to always select protective headgear that bears the American Pornographers' and Sex Trade Workers' Alliance Seal of Impurity.

We all have to visit the city from time to time, and it's just so hard these days to tell the good pickup spots from the gay bars. The exercise at left says "No Rear Entry" and makes it clear that those are shoulder blades, not fake tits, growing out of your back. The second exercise tells any horny hunk who misses the first cue that you're stretching the kinks out of a hard-working neck, not flirting with the locals...and he'd better back off before you finish your knuckle-crack. And for those times when even keeping your back to the wall doesn't ward off unwanted advances, "wall shoves" prep your pecs for a serious put-off, and places you in ideal position for a "tear gas defense". Just remember to work the hips so you can aim for the eyes, and don't forget to remind your unwanted pursuers that it's not personal...after all, you're only using these moves because you're on their turf, and trying to keep their hands off of yours.	Ivan-to-Be-Alone's
Missionary Sit-ups	If he's gonna do most of the work, the least you can do is be ready to come to him when you're in need of a smooch or just want to hang onto the hunk behind the handle. A few of these easy crunches every day will make the ride that much more thrilling and add precious seconds to his staying power.
You won't need abs of steel when the missus is tired and expects you to do all the work. Hell, if you only got three minutes in you, how's she gonna complain if you're going to all this effort? But this is the toughest position on the average guy, so these easy "pussy push-ups" will at least add a bit of strength to a glass back and set you up for a few more thrusts, especially if it's been a particularly bad week on the loading dock.	Missionary Push-ups
Missionary "Suitcase Squeeze"	If you're going to be flat on your back, make the most of the moment. The tighter you can pull those knees in, and the wider you can spread those legs, the more room you give your driver to park, and the better it'll feel when he finds the "sweet spot". You may not be young and lithe enough to bang those heels into his ears any more, but hey girls, work these easy crunches now and then to show your guy how much you appreciate him; every man loves to know he's still able to fit his ride into a tight parking space.

This isn't so much an exercise as it is a "move". The idea is to develop sufficient lateral tension in the spine that when you flex it left or right, your woman hears a series of loud cracks as the vertebrae fall into place. Believe me, nothing puts the fear of god into a trailer queen like the sound of a dozen vertebrae falling into place after a hard day's work...just the thing for a mock-rape scenario or passionate quickie. You'll know you're an expert when you can execute this move on the beat to the drum solo in KISS' "100,000 Years".	The Intimidation Crack
Rear-Entry Butt Pushes	"I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!" On those nights when you've been a bad girl and wanna be his dog in a sense that he'll find meaningful, you're gonna need strong knees and a back able to stand the pressure of successive re-entries, especially when Master's ready to blow his load and it feels like you've accidentally backed into a triphammer. This simple stretch helps strengthen the knees and pull the kinks out of the lower back so that it can take the pounding you know you deserve. And if hubby's a little hesitant some night when you're in the mood, make him an end-zone spectator for this exercise. Bonus tip: "Prime the pump" while hub's watching your workout by performing this one naked, or by sprinkling a few drops of warm water in a strategic stretch of your warm-ups.
Face it...you're trailer trash. Not a strappin' farm lad, not a college athlete, not even a former athlete. And eventually, you're gonna lose an armwrestle for arm candy. This exercise is critical for protecting your tendons even when you can't protect your dignity. After all, there's no reason why you should walk away with a wrecked wrist or shoulder in addition to your heartache and blueballs. Guys, if you wimp out on this exercise, it's only yourself you're hurting, and masochism hasn't been fashionable since the Clinton era.	The Stringbean Wristsaver Roll
Top-dog Squats	Here's one for you gals with big-bellied boys. This one's particularly effective when your man is so large that your knees won't touch the bed when you get on top. When hubby's back goes out, or just when you feel like proving to the old man that your latest diet really is working, you're going to need strong knees and quads when your man decides that he's done enough "missionary service" for one night. Squeeze the fists or use a pair of dumbbells as you squat to develop a strong grip on your man's spare tire when the ride gets particularly bumpy.
Here's an exercise that every schoolboy can do as well as a pro, and every guy over 50 had better learn to do like a pro if he doesn't want to end up having to figure out how to write coded euphemisms for Depends on the grocery list. Crossing the ankle is the secret...mastering this particular squeeze can keep even a "sixpack" bladder from leaking through a full period of overtime if needed without a hint of buttock fidget. Bonus tip: Look upon network-premiere chick flicks as "exercise opportunities" and they won't seem nearly as horrifying.	The Bladder Dam
'Noddy Lady' Neck Stretches & Headbanger 'Cusser Cozies	Girls, you're not always going to be able to express your pleasure at AC/DC volume levels. This exercise works those neck muscles so that when you're hoarse from barking at the kids or screaming at the neighbor's dog, you can still shake your head violently enough to convince your guy that you're not just dozing off while he does his thing.
'Noddy Lady' Neck Stretches & Headbanger 'Cusser Cozies	Guys, this exercise is killer for building neck strength and endurance for doing the tongue-Roomba on your lady's carpet. But there's even more value in these reps if you like your music turned from "Loud" to "Liquify". These stretches and neck-pulls can literally prevent Fender-benders, especially if you like to warm up for main event with some headbanger action at the local arena but don't like going home with a 'cusser from brainclapping some rhythm-challenged butterball in the mosh pit. The number one cause of lost IQ points among rural teen males? You got it...brain-splash caused by worn shock-absorbers during Born to Be Wild encores. Remember, guys...the head you lose, you can't give!.
A great exercise for across-the-room signalling, and just as potentially life-saving as 'cusser cozies. We've all been there...we're out with the buds and one of them is totally hell-bent on picking up the loopiest chick in the county, forgetting that she's famous for "borrowing" guys' wallets and paying them back with an STD or paternity suit. And sure, she's always got a huge brother who's not exactly Ivy League material, which means you've gotta be fast and discreet when it comes to warning bubba to break up the fight between his dick and his brain. Hardcore party-hearties in my area have been known to practice these exercises until the "headcase" signal can be flashed so fast that it won't even show up on a closed-circuit videotape.	The Headcase Heads-Up
The Bondage Squirm	When it's hubby's turn to wear the shackles, nothing will sour the mistress' mood like limp-ankled squirming when it's time to apply the lash. Guys, you're not going to have much room to dodge the leather once your missus realizes she's got you in the perfect position to ask for that new livingroom suite or bedroom wallpaper. And if your back ever goes out from a botched attempt to avoid a lash-stroke, you may as well kiss your credit rating goodbye. The exercise at left naturally works best with your girl squatting on your feet, but even if you can't get this kind of assistance, this is still a useful exercise for any guy who likes to trade places in the tower of power. The exercise at right is perfect for developing a quick pelvic dodge when your lady prefers single-point restraint over the classic "bedpost spread".