Trailer Park Sex Party Saturday Night Essentials #3: Duct Tape The in's, out's and repeat-as-necessary's Last updated 09/05

Sexercises | Performance Nutrition | Duct Tape | Bedside First Aid | Lube | Smoking in Bed

Beware the brand: When shopping for duct tape, it's vital to get the real stuff. Note this cleverly-disguised counterfeit, sold as "Duck tape". Sure, it'll hold a duck together, but look at that adhesive residue left after just one use. Would you trust this to keep your back from going out when trying Kama Sutra position #43?

Granted, Red Green is one of the most brilliant individuals my country has produced in decades. And I know that it's tempting to set the Revered Roll aside for those few minutes of bliss when we realize that Red never said a word about duct tape as having anything to do with the fun five minutes of the married man's week. But let's get our facts straight here.

Sure, most of us guys in the park have traumatic bed-related duct tape memories, but as f|ar as I'm concerned, that's just an excuse for forgetting about this modern miracle when Uncle Woody pitches his tent in your front yard. Duct tape is every bit as useful for the serious STD collector as it is for those of us who use it to re-weave our lawn furniture. You just have to know how to use it.

And just as importantly, you have to know how not to use it.

Firstly, guys...I can't stress this highly enough...do not use this as crotch wax. It leaves behind a lot of adhesive, and your girlfriend will scream bloody murder when you try to tear off the hair. Stick to razors and other proper hair removal methods.

Secondly, I strongly advise against using it for bondage games. Big women'll tear through this stuff like it was Kleenex when they get excited, and the stuff'll end up all over you instead. And despite the name, it ain't waterproof...especially the Duck stuff shown above. So you can imagine what'll happen when you start to work up a sweat.

Where you'll really want to use this is to keep the dog occupied while you're having your fun, and for taping shut the kids' bedroom doors so they don't interrupt. And if they have to climb out the bedroom window to take a whiz, at least they won't be interrupting your pleasure.

...Doc's prescription advice... This is cool This is stupid ...muzzling the mutt ...securing the wee ones ...fantasy blindfold ...crotchwaxing ...securing the wife ...fantasy lip zipper

And don't forget about the family pet. Slap a couple of inches of this over Rover's mouth, and he'll be quietly occupied for hours trying to get this stuff off while you're quietly occupied trying to get her stuff off...and your own too if you're drunk enough.

And don't forget the hidden wisdom in ol' Red's favorite line. Women don't want to find you handy while you're giving Uncle Woody his weekly massage. They do want to find you handsome. So if you're not, you don't have to force your woman to fantasize about Mel Gibson or Anderson Cooper...just get 'em to put a few inches of this over their eyes, get ready to show off your best Brad Pitt voice, and give the little lady the fantasy of a lifetime. And when it comes time to take the tape off, she gets a free eyebrow trim in the bargain, and if the liquor has done its job and she's passed out by then, she won't feel a thing. Now is that gonna get you in her good books or what?

There's the story on duct tape. And the only fit way to end this page is with the same advice that Red himself gives when he's not being filmed for family viewing hours:

"Keep your stick on the ice, fellas...but don't keep your stick on ice...or something like that...you know what I mean...or if you don't, I'm sure your wife will remind you eventually, that is if she hasn't made friends with a lawyer first. And if that's happened to you, well, you know that 'we're all in this together' thing? Forget I said that, because you know how lawyers are...'this' becomes 'that'...and when 'this' becomes 'that', well, you don't know whether you're coming or going any more, and that's a real bad thing in the bedroom...and not a lot of fun in the bathroom either."

So take Red's advice, brothers. Because while he ain't a full-blooded "Trailer M. Parker", he's at least a halfbreed bastard...in fact, I have it on good authority that his home was built using the same quality construction as your better single-wide's.

"Boys wanna have fun too!"