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  Sex Toys for the Trailer Park Budget #5:
More Dollar-Store Sex Toys
Another bonker's dozen titillating bargains
Last updated 09/05
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Good, clean fun

The next time you stop into a dollar store, try to put on a different attitude before you settle in to browse. Treat the task as an Easter egg hunt, where the eggs are products that can be repurposed for erotic applications. You might be amazed at what you see. I sure was. In fact, when I put together the first incarnation of this page back in 2005, I seriously considered starting a franchisable cottage business offering a wide selection of dollar-store fare at "schtupperware" parties, and showing them in a presentation designed more as a comedy performance piece than as an actual direct sales pitch.

This is seriously wicked fun! And what I'm showing you here only represents the best of what I could find back in 2005. The selections in dollar stores today are even greater, and the range of erotic applications for their products has grown substantially. So don't consider this guide to be anywhere near complete or authoritative. The real fun is to be had in making your own dollar-store finds. And trust me, they're out there and they're worth looking for!

In all fairness, I think that while there are some real gems on this page, the selection as a whole doesn't quite measure up to what I'd hoped to present when I conceived this page in '05. So keep an eye open...there's a good chance that I'll revisit this page in the near future, because at the time Trailer Park Sex Party first became a concept, I actually planned to use this page as the centerpiece of this section. That said, I still think you'll find your time spent here more than worthwhile. Enjoy! I sure do.

These are among the prizes of my collection. They're not sex toys per se...they're more in the "foreplay toys" category. These soft, knobby balls make great tension balls, and the little accupressure knobblies really work wonders on tension points and palm meridians. I wish I had a half-dozen of these, but they're virtually impossible to find now in my area. Toss 'em aside after things begin to heat up...they're not very useful as erotic gadgets. Oh, and as suggested by the heading, squeezing these balls is great exercise for wacker's cramp.

These are not dryer balls! But apparently these were the inspiration for them. The low-pressure air in these balls expands in a dryer, making these function much like actual dryer balls, but they can't tolerate the heat for long without melting. This is why actual dryer balls use a heat-resistant plastic which is hard at room temperature and only becomes pliable at dryer temperatures. Dryer balls do work to an extent for massage and relaxation, but I find them a bit too aggressive for my taste.

"Bop Balls": foreplay fun and cramp relief
Hate yourself for what you're thinking.

Cock ring, anyone? Seriously, I could barely contain my laughter when I saw this in the infant-needs section of the local dollar store, and I had to have it for my collection. I was just as surprised to see the exact same "thoother" pictured as a dollar-store cock ring on the Dollar Store Sex Toys site. Can you just imagine strutting into a bedroom with one of these on? What makes it even more hilarious is that this is not exactly sized for a trim fit...you'd have to be hung like a horse just to be able to use it for the intended purpose. Me? With a little baby powder I could helicopter this thing.

And it doesn't even stop there. For weeks, I couldn't shake this horrifying image in my head of this thing hanging around the hosepipe of some hairy stud with a jumper-suited baby swinging by its teeth in front of the guy as he walked. And the worst part of it is, I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had that image in their head!

Yeesh..I'm just glad it doesn't whistle when you squeeze it.

These attractive napkin rings present a more appropriate option for the task alluded to above. They're actually quite well-made, and cheap, too, at a quarter apiece...try finding a real cock ring at one twentieth that price.

I had to try one. Bad mistake. Firstly, hard plastic does not slip easily over a semi-engorged blood sausage. I got it halfway down the shaft when the cold plastic started to feel good, and that's when the trouble started. The blood did eventually find its way past the dam created at the point of constriction. But once it got in, it didn't want to leave. You know those warnings you see on TV about excessively-long erections? They apply to this sort of thing, too.

So how to get it off? I couldn't figure it out. So I called a friend who suggested that to solve the hilarious hypothetical problem that I was presenting to him as just a stoned braintwister, I should cut the ring off with a Dremel tool cutoff wheel. Yowch. The next friend I called suggested that my "friend who had done something stupid" should try cooling it with ice and whacking it with a mallet to shatter the plastic.

Fortunately, the mental picture of what that might end up doing to my dick was all I needed...I was soft in seconds. Problem solved. Lesson learned. From now on, I'm sticking with the neoprene sealer rings from designer spice jars.

High-impact decorator cock rings

Setting the record straight...who came first?

So here's the deal. In the late summer of 2005, this section of the site went online to absolutely thunderous disinterest. Within ten weeks, after the only two feedback e-mails I got - out of the fifty-odd individual visitors who actually spent more than 30 seconds on the site - questioned my right to share the oxygen of productive citizens, I pulled down the site in disgust.

Two or three years later, I saw that Jay Leno was looking for bit ideas, and I sent a capsule description of the site. I got back no reply.

Then about a year ago, shortly after Conan O'Brien came back online in Turnerville, I wrote his team with the same idea. Again, no reply.

The Spud Gun

Ah, the classic spud gun...I've loved this toy since I was seven...and the design and construction of this one is absolutely identical to the one I first bought in 1967...and almost the same price, too, oddly enough.

So what the hell is this doing in a sex-toys collection? Well, this wasn't my idea. A friend of mine asked me about this page while I was putting it together and noticed that I planned to include the recorder at right as an example of a low-cost beginner's butt plug (take a close look at the base) and said that if a recorder could be a butt plug, then a spud gun should be a dildo.

He's wrong, of course, but I owe him $50 and I'm tired of hearing him whine about it.

.

This might be the granddaddy of all dollar-store sex toys. These are the smaller versions; they come in larger sizes at higher prices. The toy itself is just a long, thick, balloon-latex donut filled with water, and it squirts out of your hand when you squeeze it. But the larger sizes? Lube 'em up and they make perfect pocket pussies...the ladyfinger insert photo shows how that works. And I've actually seen guys buying the larger sizes by the half-dozen; I doubt they were for party favors.

Watersnake sophistication has improved to the point where you can now find plans for building Fleshlight-copy pocket pussies with these using insulation foam, vinyl tape and a Pringle's or Lays can.

You could have seen it here first. But I know that you probably didn't. Just another historic example of the resourcefulness of the sex-starved nerd.

Wacky Water Snakes

Early in the summer of 2011, I happened to tune into a Conan episode in which he actually got huge laughs from featuring the Dollar Store Sex Toys site. I had no idea it even existed. Then a couple of weeks later, Leno followed up with a piece on the Homemade Sex Toys site. WHAT the MOTHer FUCKing HEY! A couple of weeks later, I get an e-mail from an old colleague, telling me about these sex-toy sites that were on Leno and Conan, and wondering whether either of them had anything to do with me.

So who was first? I don't know. It looks like a toss-up between me and one of these sites...the other copied a lot of my content (Well, not copied, but featured the same ideas...make your own great-minds-thinking-alike joke here.) My point is that while one of these sites had a better layout and graphics, my writing was at least as good as their best stuff, and I had ideas that neither of them had come up with yet. (Although, to be fair, the homemade two-dollar "fleshlight" was a stroke of brilliance that I would never have thought of.)

Really what I'm trying to get across here is that I'm a jealous, narcissistic and deeply frustrated guy - in other words, a perfect pornadmin - and once again I've watched other people cash in on ideas that I either had first, had better, or didn't have the resources to cash in on.

It just plain doesn't pay to be a pioneer. Fuckin goddam piece of shit world can't even get a fuckin sympathy lay piss-ass shit-eating motherfuckers...and you don't care...you're not even reading this. You're just starin' at the pitchers lookin fer somethin to yank her chick's crank and I can say that because I read my own weblogs...I know damn well that the last time a woman spent more than a minute on this website by choice and not by accident was in the spring of 2008 and that was only because I was experimenting with posting some of my fruit leather recipes. Ah fuck it...

What the fuck...how the fuck...naw, it couldn't be...

Treat yourself to a cookie if you figured this one out on your own. I had to have this when I saw it in a one-dollar travel kit...it's just a beautifully-designed product. It took me quite some time to realize, though, that its contours suited it ideally to solving a problem which has occasionally vexed me in the bedroom...namely, the half-time droop. You know what I mean...the flagging erection you get when you break from sex to stoke up on calories or stimulants?

Here's how to solve that problem. You'll still be at least partially erect, just not hard. So place the wide end concave-surface-forward at the base of your baby snake, hold your penis tightly to it, and unroll a condom over your reinforced erection. Presto...it's ready for use, even if you aren't.

But here's the thing. If you ever find yourself in a situation in which it actually seems appropriate to do this, just apologize to whoever you're with for being an idiot and leave. It's a cute and practical idea that every guy needs, truth to tell, but that no guy should ever admit to using.

Let's get back to practical stuff. Because there are some truly useful finds to be made in most dollar stores. And one of the handiest is the cheap-ass electric toothbrush. This Toucan Sam toothbrush was a surplus item from an actual promotion in Canada in which Kelloggs included hundreds of thousands of real electric toothbrushes...but only in boxes of their sugared kid-food cereals. And what's a cheap electric toothbrush at its heart? An eccentric-shaft low-power electric motor. What's the most common other use for eccentric-shaft low-power electric motors? Cheap massage devices...of which the most popular is the electric dildo.

Every dollar store has two or three models of these, but they aren't really that useful as-is, as I've shown here with the "right" and "wrong" application suggestions. But every girl has a dildo sleeve or two from a dead vibrator lying around. Remove the disposable brush and slip the handle inside one of these soft rubber sleeves, and you've got new life for old vibrators. Ladies, keep a couple of these around for use with half-dead batteries for a wonderful low-speed "throbber" effect...especially useful if your favorite toys don't have speed controls.

Electric toothbrush vibrator
Pez Marge

More a curiosity than a useful sex toy, the real attraction here is the wonderfully-knobby blue 'do on Marge's dome. Damn shame it didn't extend for a couple more inches, eh?

Classic Grade 6 sex joke for your amusement:

Q: Why don't cocks come ribbed for her pleasure?
A: Because if you went too fast, you could set the carpet on fire.

Trust me...it killed at Victora Public.

Enterprising strays'n'gays have been playing with these little gems for ages now. They're pretty obvious, aren't they? And tell me...where else are you going to find butt plugs four to the dollar? It looks like a brilliant idea. But there's a couple of things you should know before you start messing with these things.

Firstly, on close inspection you'll notice that these aren't that well-made. The "bottles" are made by melting and pressing together two half-bottles, and this very soft plastic can actually leave a very sharp edge along the seam, especially around the "neck", if the . You do not want that edge dragged along skin that never knows fresh air...it'll create a jagged bleeding scratch that won't heal overnight.

Secondly, while some brands are very mild (these were unpalatably bland), most freeze pops use strong food acids for flavor. And acidic or caustic liquids are not exactly comfortable on venereal skin. It wouldn't matter if these were tough plastic, but they aren't...in fact, in my experience they split open at the rate of about one in six just from being frozen. And you were going to put it where?.

Freeze Pops #1: Strikers (bowling pins)
Honestly...they sell these to kids?

The Strikers are only the appetizer. These Gator Pops are the main course, and for my money this is one of the most bizarre products on the market today. I can hardly believe they actually exist let alone get sold to kids.

When I first saw an empty Gator Pop tube on a sidewalk, I honestly thought I was seeing the protective wrapper for some new kind of jelly-plastic dildo or butt toy. Doesn't this look like something specifically designed for use as a butt plug? How else do you explain the perfect neck in the center? And you ain't telling me that Pops Gator there goes home to a Moms Gator.

These have actually been used for a long time by gays for just that purpose. I had a lot of trouble finding these in Vancouver when they first came out until I passed a variety store in Kitsilano (the gay district) where the shop owner had posted a hand-written window card announcing their availability

"The more you know..." (cue cheesy sting)

.

One of the best places to look for fun stuff unfortunately depends upon a particular fetishist bent. If you're not of the bondage/domination persuasion, then you won't get nearly the charge out of the pet-section bargains that real B&D fans will find. Because pet products come and go at higher rates than in other product areas, you can expect to find some serious end-of-line bargains on some seriously fun accessories. The dog collar and padlock set shown at left, for instance, cost $2.00 in total.

Dog collars and mini-padlocks
...and more collars...

There's usually a host of bracelets to be found as well as discipline items like dog crops and prods. But in some cases you may need some imagination to see the potential value in the more exotic pet products.

For example, these two-for-a-buck choke chains. They could double as an asphyxiation device (never ever try it alone, by the way, unless you're really tired of living) The chain itself could be useful as cheap link chain for budget leather or latexware. But pets and discipline really aren't my thing...unless I'm on the giving end. So these three examples will have to do for the moment.

...and even more collars


This document is copyright 2005 Cub Lea, all rights reserved. For reprint information, contact the publisher. For reproduction information, I recommend a remedial sex education course.

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