Sex Toys for the Trailer Park Budget #1: Balloon Toys: An Introduction Suck...blow...latex...there, make up y'own goddam joke. Last updated 09/05

Balloons: An Introduction | Balloon Bombs | Balls, Beads 'n' Ben-wa | Found Accessories | Other Useful Toys

"Not your fatherfucker's latex"

Yet another reason to quit smoking? Not really...air's about the last thing you'll put in these balloons for the purposes I'm thinking of. Here's the Doc's recommended assortment: four or five different sizes of round and "tube" balloons (not shown; I was too cheap to buy 'em). Note the obvious omission here: there are none of the long, thin, "sculpting" balloons that you see clowns use at parties to make dogs and such. It's a deliberate omission. Do get a bag - they can be surprisingly handy for other purposes - but for most toymaking purposes they're simply too difficult and limiting...and too thin besides, and oh don't you just know it, some wise-ass pencildick is going to end up using one of those flimsy sleeves as a condom and sue me when it fails and leaves him with a rug rat.

I know what you're thinking..."An introduction to balloons? Does this guy take me for a moron?"

You're getting sex tips from a site called Trailer Park Sex Party. And you've read this far. You just answered your own question. So go fuck yourself with the sensitive-intellectual bullshit and let's get on with the fun stuff.

Along with a selection of balls, phallic shapes and spreadable edibles, balloons are titillating toybox basics you should never be without. With a little imagination, you can create a veritable rake's gallery of his'n'hers dildoes, motion toys, touch toys and clean watersports accessories. What I'll present here is only a sampling of the spectrum of sport possible.

I'm willing to bet that even now your pleasure-starved brain is already sketching up some sly applications for this versatile and incredibly cheap class of toy. Most people only need to hear about the idea to figure out where balloons fit in the bedroom on nights other than New Year's Eve and retirement dinners.

It used to be that you had two options for finding a good selection of balloons: the local toy store or the local card shop, and both sources were overpriced.

No longer. Walmart now infiltrates every aspect of our lives including the bedroom(1), and the stationery department stocks a goodly assortment of latex that the kiddies can play with, and the local dollar store probably has even better deals and weirder shapes besides.

Of course there's the obvious application for balloons: decorating the bedroom. If you've thought this through for a moment, you might have conjured the picture of a heavy blanket and comforter covering a bedful of balloons ready to burst at any given butt-bounce. But that doesn't even come close to the kinds of uses I'm about to present. In fact, air is just about the last thing I put into my bedroom balloons.

And why not use condoms instead? Aren't they essentially just balloons with goop on them?

If you're stuck, I suppose you could use condoms as a substitute

But before you start adding a couple of extra x's to latex, there are a few things you need to know. Let's go over the essentials now.

• Latex oxidizes. That means that it won't last forever. Never allow a "filled" toy to sit around for more than a month, or the slightest pressure at the wrong point could rip it to shreds, leaving you with an avoidable wet mess to clean up or sleep in. Toys that don't involve any inflation of the balloon can last weeks or months, but will eventually degrade and need to be thrown out. But by then, you'll be bored with it anyway.
• Latex typically doesn't microwave well. You don't want to find that out after you try to warm up your first monster "jigglebomb" in a $400 designer oven and end up with a lesson in the cost of new transformers and emission tubes. There's a right way and a wrong way to warm up balloons, and we'll discuss it in a moment.
• Balloons don't use the same latex that condoms do. I highly recommend blowing up a condom or two (I recommend non-lubricated) after you've had a couple too many one night or smoked some really good dope to get a clear, visual, tactile picture of just how much safer condom latex is as a pregnancy/STD barrier.(1)
• Anything that degrades condom integrity will do the same for balloons, and probably a lot more quickly. That includes heating or cooling, most edible oils and greases (including your own). The stuff's easy to clean but once it starts to develop that velvety texture that all balloons take on near the end of their lives, it's probably a bacteria magnet and should be discarded.
• Most of the applications I'll describe here do not fully inflate the balloon, meaning that you don't get the glassy-like texture on the surface of your balloon-made toys. That means that these toys can, and if used often enough, eventually will collect bacteria and other unpleasant residues. A quick rinse under warm water, with soap if need be, will slightly degrade the latex, but it does clean the surface and it's better than remaking every toy every time you use it. Some transmissible organisms can survive on dry balloon surfaces. While most of the more serious STD organisms won't survive, things like yeasts, fungus spores (Athlete's cunt, anyone? Yes, it does happen.) and other microscopic nasties. You'll never eliminate 'em, but you can drastically minimize 'em with a quick wipe. (Apologies to my more educated readers if this seemed obvious...us trailer park folk occasionally need reminders like that.)

On with the fun.

...ideas and reminders... Always blow up and deflate the balloons before filling with warm water to decrease their resistance to expansion. Always heat balloon-based toys in a pot of hot (but not boiling) water, never in a microwave oven. Keep it clean, and no longer than a month or so before slashing and draining it. You can always make new ones.

1. Don't you find it kind of hypocritical that Walmart will provide you with all candy, cards and flowers you need to make a connection, all the condoms, contraceptive phoams and Viagra that you can carry out of the store, and even the lingerie to take off before the main event, but won't carry any of the music that makes the end use for these products worth the trouble...or the cigarettes to smoke afterward? But if you're as irritated by this as I am, there is a way to get back at them. Their fitting-room design is such that if you stagger your entries carefully, two people can fit nicely in a booth, and in a variety of poses clothed and otherwise. And if you really want to rub it in, make a big deal out of the fact that you've been screwing in the changerooms when you come out...together, of course. Once the deed is done, there ain't a damn thing they can do about it. >>Back>>

"I'm just as much fun as the next guy. So what if the next guy's an asshole."