A passing masturbator writes: "What a shitty site. Gay colors and no babes. Your ideas suck, your toys suck, and I bet your dope was weak too." (1)

The original guide to physical intimacy for the NASCAR'n'sweatpants set...it's Doc's Trailer Park Sex Party Everything you need to know to bring the glamor of the double-wide lifestyle into your bedroom.

"If it shines or buzzes..." ehh, you know how boys are. (08/07) PAAARRRR-TAAAAAAY! Let's get the Party started with some music. Here's a kick-ass little garage classic I wrote back in '87 called More to Life Than Sex? (128kbps, 3:38, hard rock). Brush out yer mullet, crack a stubby and spark a fat-ass joint of shitty homegrown...this is a real bottle-banger!(2) (There's a page with lyrics and comments on this track here.) Laugh if you like, but try fitting a waterbed into a Corvette. (10/98)

Now if I could just figure out where the women are at...

All the ingredients for a night of fun chez Lea...and I bring out even more when I have company. Clockwise from the Radio Shack Micronta™ multitester (you don't want to know...you really don't): generic pancake syrup, Holiday Froot Loops™ (remember eatin' em off the carpet as a kid?), "valentine teddy" pillow, duct tape, assorted styles and sizes of balloons, soldering iron, braided white shoelace, Kisko and Leaf (sugar-free) freeze pops, Bop Balls™, his'n'hers choke chains, sealing tape, painters' mask, oil filter wrench, Wobbly Water Snake,™ (green), jacks toyset, "amberite" mallet, dog collars, foot-shaped teething ring, large-size choke collar, kitchen shears (note the bottle opener in the handle...indispensible!), "ladyfinger", marbles, Marge Simpson Pez™ dispenser, Wobbly Water Snake (orange), 4kg dumbbell, Neilson butter, Toucan Sam™ electric toothbrush, Bowling Pins™ freeze pops, Conair™ personal massager, Gator Pops™ freeze pops, styrofoam decorating balls, "sculpting" balloons, soft plastic baseball bat, and, of course, what white-trash orgy would be complete without a few Depends? Considering how much of this stuff is made in China, you've got to believe that our Oriental friends sure know how to have a good time. Think I might re-book my dream sex holiday in Bangkok for Shanghai instead...or maybe I'll just order in some Chinese from the "special menu". My astrologer tells me that if I'm really good, some day I'll actually have a friend to share my toys with...and that I'll die of complications from a hospital infection after taking a bullet from a jealous boyfriend not long afterward. (And she's good, too...she actually predicted that the last shuttle mission wouldn't blow up!) But hey...if that's my fate, what a way to go! (Metal-edged formica table by Sturdyware Family Furniture, $80; synthe-satin rose and cannabis-leaf arrangement by Buck's Cycle Parts, $6; molded glass vase and matching two-piece table lamp by Meng Po Industries, exclusive to Walmart, $8).

1. "...and no demonstration pics of the toys either huh? Really lame Doc." - Burnsy382 (Aug. 7, 2011)
   Piss off, Burnsy. You should goddam well know that if I could have found a willing model, I'd certainly have included demo pics. (Any volunteers?) You're just damn lucky I didn't model for them myself. Oh, and another thing...this is not gay. As I mentioned on my homepage, it's a prismatic diffraction...I'm reclaiming the visible spectrum for the hetero majority.

2. If you ever partied north of the border in the 1980s, you saw this weird little phenomenon first-hand. If a small-town club crowd wanted more after the band's fourth set of the night, they didn't applaud. Instead the banged their beer bottles on the table until the band came back or the they realized that the club lights weren't going to be turned off again. They - we - could do this because at the time, we had a weird little legal thing where all the provinces legislated a standard "stubby" 12-ounce beer bottle which could be returned and was actually reused up to (if memory serves) seven times...there were even little Braille bumps on the bottom of the bottle to let you know how many times it had been refilled. Since bottles got reused, they were made tougher than most modern beer bottles, and the "stubby" design made them even tougher. They could take the banging. The din of 200 beer bottles being rapped on edge against masonite tabletops was louder than a lot of the bands...imagine baseball-sized hail falling on a tin roof and you begin to get an idea of what it sounded like.

3. This is a serious offer open to girls and couples (hetero or otherwise) only at this time. (Guys, when I've received a couple of visitor submissions and proven that I'm as good as my word, I'll open this up to solo male submissions...watch this page for news of changes to the submission policy.) Be creative with your submissions if you like, feel free to be funny, hell...you don't even need to be nekkid! But remember that this isn't a hardcore or fetish site...if I consider it outside the bounds of taste for this section, I won't post it, but I will at least tell you why. I don't need your face(s) in the photo or video, but I will need you to return a release form for legal purposes and so that I can be sure that it's you in the pic or flic and not just some video you snagged elsewhere. Appearance isn't important. (Obviously. )

"It isn't just during tornado season that the trailer park rocks."