Just for the hell of it... My All-Time Favorite Dirty Joke ...as stolen from Playboy Magazine Last updated 07/05

This joke may be old - 35 years old, to be exact - but it still works. I lifted this joke from a borrowed copy of Playboy - one of my mother's Playboy's, to be exact - but don't make assumptions about that...the truth is even more fucked up than you're probably guessing. To this day, I still get mileage from it; I haven't met a soul in decades who has heard it from anyone but me. It's been embellished over the years, so I'm claiming it as my own, crediting the source but camping the copyright.

So without further ado...

This guy walks into the doctor's office and says "Doc, I think it's about time I got a vasectomy."

"Fine," says the doctor.

"And Doc, I need it right now...I've got a really important date coming up in about two weeks."

Well, the doctor isn't terribly happy about operating right away, especially since he had a five-martini lunch. But he wasn't about to let a paying patient walk out the door, so he calls in his nurse and preps the patient.

Everything goes fine until he's just about ready to close up, when he slips with the scalpel and accidentally cuts off one of the poor guy's testicles. He backs away to avoid stepping on it, and wouldn't you know...the loose testicle rolls right under his heel.

Thinking fast, he pretends to keep working so as not to alarm his patient, and whispers to his nurse: "Find me an onion, fast!"

Moments later, she returns from the cafe next door with an onion and discreetly hands it to the doctor. He peels off layers until he's left with an onion core that's almost the same size as the testicle he's just squashed under his heel. He slides the onion into place, sutures up the patient, and sends him on his way.

Two weeks later, the night of his big date, the patient drops in for his checkup and sperm count test. Just as the doctor expected, the onion is still in place, still as firm as when he sewed it in.

"Your sperm count is fine and everything looks okay," says the doctor. "So how have you been otherwise?"

"Well, it's funny you should ask," says the patient, "because some strange things have been happening."

"Oh really?" says the doctor.

"The first thing I noticed is that every time I take a piss, I get all teary-eyed."

"Oh," says the doctor, fidgeting while he tries to think of an explanation. "That's normal...it's probably just grief from losing your ability to have children."

"Ah," says the patient, looking relieved. "So I guess the chest pain I have when I jerk off isn't heartburn?"

The doctor nods. "That's normal too...probably just a touch of heartbreak, perfectly normal when we lose any natural ability."

"Well," says the patient, "I suppose that grief could explain those things, but Doc, why is it that I get a hard-on every time I walk past a hamburger joint?"