not a real doctor,
but I play one on the Internet."
The Social Implications of the Shaved Crotch:
An essay by Cub Lea. What does the phenomenon of the "Brazilian" say about us as a culture? The answer might shock you...but I'd far rather that it turned you on. (08/11)
An(other) Introduction from Doc (07/05)
Trailer Park Sex Party
This section's feature attraction...can't miss advice for the single-wide stud in the Saturday Night Essentials section (I guarantee you'll learn something useful here), and can't miss fun in my personal toychest of "found fun" and dollar-store sex toys. (We all love a good bargain...now we can love it in the biblical sense too.) Even a bit of original riff-rock to listen to while you nurse your beer.
Porn name: Mutt Newgate
Best move: Sticking my gum under the seat so I don't accidentally spit it at her. (It's surprising how often that happens.)
Favorite pick-up line: "It's acne, actually, not warts. Here, I've got a doctor's note."
My All-time Favorite Dirty Joke (07/05)
The IDJITS Guide to the Ultimate Blowjob
The never-legendary textfile guide by the amythical Precious Pennies hacking group, reformatted for web reading.
(Seriously, you've got to read the section on "The Ultimate 69"!). (original textfile release: 10/97)
Crossing a line?
When I finally decided to put this section back online, I had to ask myself...would it be fair of me to host this section and not post the undoctored original? Hey, you don't have to 'clic the pic'...and if you find this photo amusing or disgusting rather than intriguing, I'd rather you didn't.
(Now, what might a marathoner's build suggest about
what one might expect in the bedroom, hmmm?)
"Hey Queer!" (09/05)
Does it matter whether I'm straight or gay? Well, if I expect to use this site to turn women on, then yeah...it sure as hell does matter.
How Very Becoming (05/95)
Hardcore emotional pornography. (*shiver*)
An introduction from Doc (1)
This section has been a struggle. I didn't think it would be the test of courage that it turned out to be. And presenting this material in a way that I could be comfortable with turned out to be one of the toughest marketing assignments of my life.
This isn't a porn site. Although, don't me wrong, every once in a while...jesus, have you seen these clips frommmaaahhhh...anyway....
This isn't about sex in the new-age context...although you've really got to try some of this tantric stuff! No shit, I've found some of these exercises...oh man...you wouldn't believe men could have multiple orgas...uh, remind me about this later, ok? Seriously. Fine. So don't believe me. It's not like I'll end up sleeping with you.
This isn't a fuckblog. Not that I'm beyond that...I just don't like boring people. Seriously, you can't have a fuckblog without something to write about. This ain't easy to say, but it illustrates my point as well as anything: I'm probably the only non-Christian rock bassist alive who can claim to have spent six months on the Northern Ontario "wolverine circuit" in the early 1980s without getting so much as tongue. (Not even in Kirkland Lake, for chrissakes!)
"I have some good news and some bad news..."
When I first posted the photo at right on my homepage back in 2005, I knew it would provoke a response. But I wasn't prepared for what I discovered a month later when I googled my site and found that this shot had gone viral in a big way. The good news was that someone had ganked the photo and posted it as their own, and it had spread to a pile of blogs, personal sites and aggregators. The bad news? That came in two forms: the fact that in ten years, after posting nearly 3,000 separate pages, 70 free and shareware programs, 4-1/2 hours of mp3 music and comedy and over ten million words this was the only thing I had ever produced that went viral, and the rather more disturbing discovery that it had only gone viral in Germany.
It certainly isn't my personal pick-up bar...but oh...if wishing could only make it so! I've actually been propositioned twice by female visitors, one of them a drop-dead-gorgeous navy pilot who offered to pay her own way from Seattle for a "visit". But here's the thing. I don't pretend to be anything but damaged goods from the neck up, but I reserve the same right for myself to be a cautious consumer as I would grant to any woman considering me for her "basket". (And with lines like that, you just know how well I do in bars!) I don't ever again want to find out that I've been some woman's surrogate "dysfunctional daddy" and I do seem to have a certain fascination for girls who reflect too much of my mother. Don't we all deserve better than that?
And I need to be very clear about the fact that the color scheme and graphics for this section are about spectra and prisms, not about same-sex orientation. I know I read gay; if I drew women half as interesting and attractive as the guys I seem to draw, I'd have very little to complain about. But honestly, that ain't how I'm wired. Tried it (drunk, and in high school, the way God intended)...never cared for it...'nuff said. So are we clear? The graphics are about color, pleasure and variety, not about celebrating gaylife.
What this section really is...is my hobby section.
It came to me one night when I was so torn up that I couldn't even get it up to pleasure myself. The problem here is that I'm the one type of person who should not be hosting material like this. It's perfectly fine for couples, and a few (very few, it seems) younger guys have sex sections that are something more than porn catalogues, but this is way too childish for a serious sex site, and not nearly gritty enough for a porn site. Single middle-aged guys just do not do this.
On the to-do list:
(because I know the menu's still a bit thin)
- Lub My Tub: favorite homemade watersport toys
(that's tap water...are we clear on that?)
- Eros vs. Passion: why the distinction is so important
- Fuck the Handicapped: did I show you my stumps?
- Hair-free and Not Hating It: what I learned - the hard way - about truly painless manscaping
- Chasing the Multiple Orgasm: seriously, some of this new-age tantric stuff can change your life...or at the very least, your underwear.
And I'll be perfectly honest here...if I had more friends, or a lucrative career that wouldn't allow for this, I probably wouldn't have had the guts to post this stuff. I think there's some great fun here, some hard-won insight, and some interesting reading. If this related to golf or guitar collecting, I doubt anyone would raise an eyebrow. But single, middle-aged men do not do this sort of thing. And I really, really hate feeling exposed and dirty for posting this stuff. I shouldn't. No one should. And it won't be more than a few more decades before no one will. Sorry...I can't wait that long.
"And now you know why I go whole decades without getting laid: I'm a chick with a dick. Real men know how to drink their shame away...I stuff mine onto my website and crack jokes about it."
Sex is my hobby. And the hundreds of Hot Wheels pages elsewhere on this site notwithstanding, it's my number one hobby. Nothing else interests me as much; nothing else is as rewarding for me in as many ways. These pages are to me what a restaurant blog is to a foodie, what a fansite is to a...(sigh)...a fan...well, you get the picture.
What's in this section exists here because it doesn't exist elsewhere, or isn't easy to find in this form, or where it does exist, lacks something that I think is worth contributing. I wish I could find a hundred sites like this. But that's just not the world we live in right now. (Oh, I know that there's at least a hundred ego-sites like mine with sections like this out there...I just wish I could find them.)
I've deliberately presented this stuff in the spirit and tone of the person I wish I was...easy and unconcerned about the content or its delivery. But I ain't that good. I'm afraid that much of this material still comes across with the same wink-wink sleaziness as a men's magazine, and some of it will probably be as uncomfortable to read as it was for me to write. I don't think of sex as dirty or furtive. I don't want to think that way. But the fact is that I feel that way too much of the time. And now you know why I go whole decades without getting laid: I'm a chick with a dick. Real men know how to drink their shame away...I stuff mine onto my website and crack jokes about it.
And the opinions of dozens of women from Prince Edward Island to Dallas to Inuvik to Vancouver notwithstanding, I like to believe that I've got a fair bit to offer - above and below the waist - but the violent thrashing of conservative/religious culture in its (hopefully) final days on this planet makes it very difficult to for someone like me to connect with those who might also have something to offer me.
And I know beyond any doubt that there's got to be one hell of a lot more people like me out there than I've ever been able to meet. I want to hear from you, and I'll address your questions and include your comments on my pages...with your permission, of course.
Show me yours an' I'll...hey, I already showed you mine!
I'll even offer you a dare. If you think you can help dress up some of these pages with appropriate illustrtions and video clips, I'll post your submissions...provided, of course, that they
- fit with the tone of this section,
- add to the content that's already here,
- and are actually yours to submit and mine to post.
I'll have to insist on a signed release before posting any explicit content, but you probably expected no less.
And just to prove that I'm not playing voyeur or collector here, any visitor-submitted photos or videos that I post here, as Google is my witness I promise to post comparably-explicit material featuring myself.
Notice the loopholes? This is about having fun, people...you don't have to be pretty; you don't even have to be naked.
"...because my life is longer and harder than I am."