Vintage wannabe how-to from the "wild west days" of the Internet How to Give the Ultimate Blowjob by "The Precious Pennies" (SW, g01d3Nr0d and Geijing). Last updated 11/94

Original Precious Pennies Textfile (45kb)

Back in the olden days, when modems barely made 14.4kbps and a floppy disk held a meaningful amount of data, I belonged to a "group" called The Precious Pennies whose "thing" was releasing textfile guides to obscure subjects ranging from how to beat radio station phone-in contests to "stupid Windows tricks" to this sad, sad little missive on oral sex...sad not because it's bad - it's actually one of the best capsule guides you'll find anywhere - but because it was written by me ("SW"). Why is that sad? Because at the time I wrote this, I had never had a bj.

And now, without further ado...

• Ground Rules
• Why Bother at All?
• What Do You Get Out of It?
• How to Do It, and Do It Well
• Techniques of a Great Blowjob
• The Secret That Every Woman Should Know: Anal Stimulation and the Male G-Spot
• The Hum Job
• "The Ultimate 69": For Experts Only?

 

Yeah, I guess I'd damn well better explain myself... If you're a collector and you've never seen this textfile floating around, there's probably a good reason for that. As with so many of the ventures I get involved in, this was destined for disaster from the start. The day it was released happened to be the same day that a major trojan struck, and a lot of software that would have been floating around the pirate scene that day was either killed by the trojan or wasn't spread around that day while everyone was cleaning, patching, or protecting their systems. We could have re-released it, or changed a few things and issued an update, but by the next day two of us were sober again and vetoed the release. And if you've never heard of The Precious Pennies, there's a reason for that, too. This was the only textfile we ever did under that name. g0ld3Nr0d (the name glorifies his cock; I don't know his real name, but it sure as hell wasn't Rod Gold) eventually released a file on cunnilingus on his own. Geijing, who helped me with many points in this file, didn't have a hand in that file; he was gay. So how do I justify this page? Well, I may not have had any experience when I wrote this, but I knew what I wanted. And while I've seen some good texts on fellatio, there's quite a bit of stuff here that I haven't seen anywhere. That just leaves one loose end, a question I'm sure you couldn't give a flying fuck about: was this "sad little missive" any help to me in losing my "oral virginity"? Fuck no. Do you seriously believe that any self-respecting chick would even talk to a guy who'd write something like this, let alone go down on him? One eventually did. But that's not a story I intend to tell except at a judge's insistence. In posting this page, I've tried to be as faithful as possible to the original text, but if you want to see the original, or if you just collect this sort of thing, then I've also made the original textfile available.

I went out with a chick once who gave the most incredible blowjobs you could imagine. One night when I'd had two too many I asked her why she was so good. She told me she had a gay brother who taught her what he liked, and what his boyfriends liked. After she got done telling me she said I never asked her the more important question: why. So just for shits and giggles I asked her. And what she told me made me believe that every guy needs to give their girlfriend this textfile, and to also read the file on how to eat pussy like a pro (I didn't write the cunnilingus file and I don't have the right to post it here, which is why you won't find it here...so don't ask. -CL). Hey, it's only fair. And if you're both missing out, you've both got that much more to look forward to with a little effort.

So here's a guide that is not just the best guide anywhere in textfile form but also tells you about the the more important question: why.

(Techniques are only discussed briefly. You aren't likely to find this file on any BBS or website that doesn't already have half a dozen how-to's, tip sheets or text manuals with the techniques. This stuff tells you how to make the techniques work. Think of it this way. If blowjobs can be done artistically (and they can), then technique is the scales you need. To make good music you need more than just the notes. You need to know when and how to play them too.)

Ground Rules

Men and women are different. (Well duh.) They have different needs. You will actually learn that in some better sex ed courses: women want love, men want sex, women want closeness, men want contact. Both sexes have the same needs but one sex wants some kinds of things more than the other sex.

If you really give a shit about the person you're with and not just treating them as a piece of meat, you want them to have as good a time as you have with them. Otherwise you're just a cunt or a prick and deserve all the shitkicking you get.

Guys will put up with unbelievable things for a few minutes in the sack or a good bj. And most girls agree with me that any chick who doesn't put out with at least a decent slippery handjob after a guy takes her out to an expensive restaurant where he'd never eat alone and sits through two hours of sappy chick-flick ought to pay the guy for his time...seriously, that's just being a cunt.

Queenie (....who was actually Geijing, but we decided that it would be a lot cooler to have "Queenie"'s points come from a girl... -CL) told me she'd blow just about any guy who'd treat her decently even if she didn't have any intention of seeing him again or sleeping with him, just because she knows how much guys like it, and because she has a real appreciation of what most guys will put up with just to be with her. (She's not gorgeous, but she's the kind of girl you know you want to go out with at least once the first time you see her, and she doesn't like to go to ballgames, sports bars or metal concerts.)

But she'd never blow a guy twice who came in her mouth without warning her. Some guys' spooge just tastes like the worst combination of spoiled milk and bad medicine. Lucky for Queenie, she's done enough BJs to know when to get the guy's dick out of her mouth before he pops.

Girls, I agree with Queenie. There's not many more things satisfying than shooting your load down a woman's throat. But every guy should be sensible enough to pull out before they shoot if that's what the woman wants, if you don't want a surprised set of teeth leaving you with a dick-hickey when you thrust your member into the back of her throat, or a warn surprise of barf on your lap when your cum totally grosses out the chick who's doing you this favor.

And if you're not going to take his cum in your mouth, then have the simple plain decency not to leave him hanging. Lick him or stroke him off if that's what he wants. Giving even a reasonably good blowjob and then not helping him get off is one of the surest ways to get a reputation as a cocktease or damaged goods, even if that's not what you meant to do.

"If you have foul load and you know it, tell her up front! You do not want to leave a bad taste in the mouth of a chick you want to see a second time."

And don't take shit from the guy! Lay down the law before pulling down the zipper. If you don't swallow, tell the guy what he can expect you to do (or not do) afterward if he shoots in your mouth without permission, and if you are not going to help him get off, even by hand, then say so and let him decide if he wants to get himself off or go home with blueballs. If you let him know upfront where you stand and what he can expect, you've given him what is for men the equivalent of the cuddle after cumming...knowing where you stand and what you can expect has that kind of importance to most guys.

And guys, if you have foul load and you know it, tell her up front! Some chicks may only have experience with guys who shoot sweet or not-unpleasant loads, and you really really do not want to leave a bad taste in the mouth of a chick you want to see a second time.

It's the same rule any guy would want to set for girls. Any chick who squirts when they cum shouldn't expect every guy who goes down on her to lick that up, especially if they know they have foul squirt.

Why Bother at All?

Really, what's the point? Why have blowjobs at all? Because you can and because it's fun. Sure, there may be no reason if you can just have sex (and both want it) but there are times and places where nothing more than a blowjob is possible, and other times where nothing less than a blowjob is appropriate.

If you're going to do this, you should learn to do it well. Especially if you expect your guy to be good at munching your bush. Learn everything in this textfile and you won't just be an expert...you'll be a fucking legend (if that is the kind of legend you want to be, anyway). Learn even half of it and you might be surprised at the result. A lot of guys would rather tell their buds that you were the best date he ever had, or that you were the most fun chick he was ever with, than let on that you gave him a blowjob that almost got him put into a mental ward for the smile it put on his face.

Here are the reasons why girls should know how to do this:

1. If you have any kind of decent boyfriend, he deserves it for what he puts up with for showing you a good time. If he took you to a game or the drag races, then he doesn't really have the right to ask for much later. But if he paid for dinner or the gas to pick you up, let you pick the movie, and so on, then he has a right to judge what kind of date you are by what you are willing to do to make him fall asleep happy.
2. Sometimes you want sex, and he doesn't. Some chicks are horniest when they have their periods, which is not something most guys can deal with. A good handjob is almost as good as a good blowjob, but that's not going to satisfy you. You might find making him hot gets you off too, even if you can't for some reason have sex. A good blowjob will only disappoint a guy who wants to make love or a power-tripping creep who would probably feel best taking you up the ass and then stealing your purse on the way out the door.
3. If you expect to be eaten out, then you'd better be prepared to serve your own dessert for him. Fair is fair.
4. It's easy, cheap payback for all he does for you. Guys don't get the creds they deserve for what most of us do for our women. It's just pathetic how many chicks refuse to accept that most guys really don't like watching two hours of The Exhaling Sisterhood Club Story in a theater where there's no TV set with a game on, no pool table, and not even a place to get a beer, but will do it just because the girl they're with wants to do it so badly. Guys want sex all the time, even when they can't even get it up. Girls want romance all the time, even when they feel more like kicking the shit out of everyone on the planet than kissing you. Girls usually get a lot more romance than guys get sex...the world is fucked that way. Giving your guy a blowjob even when it doesn't make you the least bit horny to do it is a way to show that you really do appreciate what he does for you that he may not necessarily want to do.
5. If you're lucky enough to be in bed with a guy who can satisfy you totally before cumming himself, then you can usually get him off in a minute or two of good oral stimulation if you don't like having him inside you after you have had enough. And any guy who can satisfy you totally with several O's deserves to get the only orgasm he can have, doesn't he?

"Not every chick can or should learn this. There's a lot of other things you can do for your guy; this doesn't have to be one of them."

Look let's be serious here. Not every chick can or should learn this. Maybe you were forced to go down on someone as a kid and this brings back nasty memories. There's a lot of other things you can do, this doesn't have to be one of them. Maybe you have a weak tongue (some girls do) or a bad neck. But if you can, why not? If you've got a regular partner, you can both smooth over a lot of rough spots by learning how (and when) to be the one to "go down for the count". If you're not dating anyone in particular, then you might be surprised how a rep for being good with your tongue can put you in front of a lot of really great guys you might not meet otherwise.

And there's a real risk of AIDS or hep C or some other nasty shit. Don't think you can go down on someone without catching it. All you need is a bit of un-healed pizza burn or a bit tongue to absorb a bit of virus. You should never give or get a bj, unless it's through a (preferably flavored) condom (or dental-dam for eating pussy) if the person you're eating has one of the serious diseases. (If I had this to do over again, I'd add at this juncture "...or even if you have the slightest suspicion that they could have such a condition". -CL)

What Do You Get Out of It?

"Whither thy potty-mouth, good scribe?" Whither indeed. You have to understand that textfiles like these were typically written by kids who couldn't legally buy a drink or desperate middle-aged guys trying to make good on really shitty childhoods (one guess which group I belonged to), and if you wanted your material to get circulation in "the scene", it was to your advantage to present yourself as part of the core age group. It also needs to be remembered that this "scene" consists mainly of hackers, software pirates, and wannabe's in both camps...information-age weekend rebels who actually do talk and write this way...that is, on the rare occasions when other people talk to them. And don't make the mistake of thinking that they/we talk/write this way for shock value. When you're chatting or conversing with these people, you discover pretty quickly that this frequency of four-letter words and this lack of concern for formality is no affectation...it's entirely natural. If you ever suspected that people talk this way due to some repressed frustration or anger over their personal or social situation, then allow me to confirm your suspicions. That's precisely why they/we talk this way. And you should be thankful for it, too. You remember why, too, don't you? Sure you do...how many times have we all heard "all repression and no obscenity makes Jack a dull multiple-homicide suspect"?

This is another thing that's often left out of guides like this one. And you need to think about it. You're not just giving head here, unless that's all you intend for the blowjob to be. Is this going to turn you on to do this? Are you going to treat this like playing an instrument and put all your attention into what you're doing? Or are you going to share in the experience with your guy?

This is a guide to blowjobs, not a guide to 69. If you're learning about blowjobs hoping to be really good at 69, forget it until you've had a lot of practice. Because you just can't focus on your own pleasure and also focus on giving your man all the pleasure you can. Doing 69 is better than actual sex with a lot of couples but it's always a compromise. You can never give as good as you're able to give if it's just 6 or 9, that's just the facts of it. And you are never going to appreciate really good head for everything that it is if you're giving head at the same time.

Most guys love being the center of attention. They won't give a flying fuck whether you're frying eggs and e-mailing your mother with one hand if you're stroking his dick with the other. But some guys really have trouble with that, and need to know they're not being overly selfish, or being focused-on more than they'd like.

If you're with the first kind of guy, it won't matter much to him if you masturbate to a dozen orgasms while giving head before getting him off once. But if you're with the other type, he'll want to know that you're having fun too. If you don't find this fun, this type of guy might even go soft on you and apologize to you for not allowing you to give him head, making it not worth the bother for either of you. But if you do find this kind of thing fun, then keep one rule in mind, the same rule every guy should keep in mind when eating out a girl: you're on the giving end, and whatever you get out of doing what you're doing, it shouldn't be at the expense of any of your partner's pleasure unless you know for a fact that your partner won't mind this.

So it's a simple rule of thumb. Whatever guy you're with, do what you feel like doing for yourself as long as it isn't taking away from the focus you want to give to him. I've known two girls who will give head any time, as long as they can play with their vibrators while they're doing it. I also knew one chick so spaced that she couldn't finger herself without biting her boyfriend's dick. But she could also cum in her panties without ever even touching herself, so it's not like she ever lost out by not being able to focus on anything but what was in her mouth. (This, as with most similar anecdotes here, was either made up out of thin air, or came from one of Geijing's friends, not mine. -CL)

How to Do It, and Do It Well

Good Head Isn't Work

It's probably fair to say that guys tend to be no better at giving head than girls are, which is to say that most guys and girls suck badly. Eating pussy isn't just a matter of using your tongue as a broom to sweep away labia until you find the clit, and then sucking until your throat hurts. It's the same for sucking cock. You don't just stick the guy's dick in your mouth and pump your head like your mouth was a pussy. That looks great in porn films. It's only about one-twentieth of a really good blowjob.

And let's talk for a second about this business about how much work it is. A good blowjob isn't work. It's never as much pleasure to give as it is to receive (just ask any gay guy who's done a lot of both), but it should be as easy and effortless as a casual afternoon shag.

"A good blowjob is very easy on the tongue and jaws. How many chicks do you know who won't take fifteen minutes to eat an ice cream cone because it's too tiring?"

Any chick who won't blow you because they say it's tiring on their tongue or jaws needs this textfile, or is just bullshitting you. A good blowjob is very easy on the tongue and jaws; it's the lousy ones that are the most tiring. How many chicks do you know who won't take fifteen minutes to eat an ice cream cone because it's too tiring?

A good blowjob uses a lot of the same technique, and most of the sheets you see on how to do it, that's almost all the instruction they give you: treat a guy's dick like you were licking an ice cream cone. (That was true in 1994. Since then, I've seen some real quality texts floating around recently - several of them pirated book chapters, regrettably - but at the time this was released, this really was by far the best free textfile of its kind on the subject. -CL) But that's not enough if you have a guy you think is good enough to deserve a quality BJ.

The ice-cream-cone example is the perfect place to start, though, and the best way to start any BJ. But you need an ice cream cone first, in a manner of speaking. So down to business.

(By the way, if this seems like "business", then don't bother. Few things turn most guys off more than chicks who put out because they think they have to or because they expect the guy to treat it as a favor they can call in later. A guy would normally rather pay a hooker than get a blowjob from a girlfriend under those terms, because they know the hooker gets something out of it too. And if you're with a guy who doesn't mind a blowjob under those conditions, then he's probably a jerk you should get away from anyway.)

Anatomy 101

Before we start though, let's talk about anatomy. Just like a guy should never expect to start sex with you by sticking his dick inside you, no matter how well lubed you both might be, don't you treat a BJ like the classic "four minute special". You need to build up, not start with a hard suck, and that means you should know what is too much to start with.

There are more and less sensitive areas of the penis and crotch. The least sensitive areas are the nutsack, and the buttcheeks if you're going to play with his butt too. More sensitive is the foreskin and the grundle, the flap of skin between the asshole and the nutsack, and the shaft of the penis up to about an inch below the head. From there, a lot of chicks have no idea how sensitive other areas are. The next most sensitive area is an area of skin about a half-inch to an inch long on the front of the penis just below the head. The next most sensitive area is the head of the penis. And the most sensitive areas are the urethra, or slot at the tip, and the thin ring of skin on the bottom of the head. Go after the wrong area first, and you won't just turn a guy off. The tongue is a pretty rough thing, and having my urethra licked, or the ring around the bottom of the head, hurts me even at the best of times. Some guys absolutely love this. And there are some sensitive guys who can't stand the feel of anything rougher than your lips anywhere on the head of their penis.

So keep an eye on your guy, and remember the erogenous areas in order of sensitivity:

One other thing to remember is your anatomy. Your lips are very soft; that's why we love kissing them. Your tongue, except for the tip, is not soft. The tip is soft and gives soft stimulation. The tongue is rough and for most guys, when they start to get really hot, the feeling of rough tongue on the right areas is better than the tightest pussy. For me, the only thing that feels better on its own than a tongue on my horny dick is the feeling of being massaged from the inside by a chick who knows how to stroke you from end to end with her pussy muscles. (If you can find a chick who learned how to do this, marry her!!! It is worth the alimony for the memories alone!!!)

Starting off

"A fluffer might suck the shit out of the actor to get him up. If you have to go anywhere near that far, don't even bother...he'd probably prefer you made him a sandwich or brought him a beer."

If the guy's not hard, bring him up with some stroking of the penis or kissing. Light licking is cool, but save the rough middle of your tongue for a bit later...a lot of guys will find it too intense to start with anyway. Slowly rolling your dry lips up and down a dry penis is very nice, and will usually bring any guy to an erection unless he's just not going to get it up easily.

Porn movie crews hire chicks (or for the gay pornstars, guys) called "fluffers" whose job it is is to be so good at blowjobs that they can bring a male pornstar up to erection even if he's blown his wad just a half hour before. That kind of situation requires a mouth like a vacuum cleaner. A fluffer might have to suck and stroke the shit out of the actor's dick ("suck the shit out of..." is juuuuust a figure of speech, in case you were wondering -CL) to get him up if he's not easily turned on. If you have to go anywhere near that far with your guy, don't even bother...he'd probably prefer you made him a sandwich or brought him a beer. Nineteen times out of twenty, it will be at least eight hours since the guy last got his rocks off, and that's all most guys under 40 need to recover and be ready for action again. If he's ready to fuck, he can be brought up to erection without a lot of effort or heavy stimulation.

Two Styles of Blowjob

You can usually find out what your guy likes (or what will work best for him at the time) by seeing how easy he comes to full erection. If he's hard as a rock in a few seconds, then even if he's the type who likes to pump you like a jackhammer, you can probably give him the best time by using techniques for "sensitive" men. If he's nervous, the sensitive-guy approach is also the one to try first even if he just brought you back from a day of rock climbing and stagediving at a metal concert. Guys who need even a minute or two to get it up all the way, you can usually be sure will want the aggressive-guy style.

Two Types of Blowjob

There are two types of blowjobs: quickies and marathons. The quickie is usually ten minutes or less, and I would call the marathon anything longer than fifteen minutes. What you do and how you do it depends a lot on which type of blowjob you are giving.

The quickie blowjob is usually more energetic, and involves a lot of tongue and finger work moving fairly quickly from his least sensitive zones to his most sensitive. Marathons involve slowly working up to the most sensitive areas so as to build suspense and make sure he doesn't cum before you want him to (or before he wants, as it might be). Both types usually start with the same tempo, but if you want to give him an hour of power (and it's easy to do if you learn how to build and conserve your energy and interest), you don't want to have him almost at the point of ejaculation in ten minutes.

"A good blowjob has all the same qualities of tempo and intensity as a good movie or a good symphony."

Quickies are done with one goal in mind: getting him off. You build tempo and intensity, he nuts, and you're done. Marathons are not just slow building quickies! Marathons longer than fifteen or twenty minutes will involve building the tempo and intensity, then dropping it almost to nothing and resting, then building again to a higher tempo and intensity, and repeating this as often as you plan to. Seriously, a good blowjob has all the same qualities of tempo and intensity as a good movie or a good symphony.

You should decide ahead of time, and let the guy know (or make the decision) about which type you are going to do. This is usually something you do for his benefit first, and for your fun second (but if you have more fun than him, he's not likely to care!) so it's only right to let him decide what he wants.

And it's probably not the best idea to say "Do you want to do a quickie or a marathon?" He'll probably be less chance of weirded out if you say something like "This can be long and slow, or fast and intense...what would you like?"

If you don't know which type to give, here's a few tips:

• if you're giving the blowjob because you can't (or won't) have actual sex with the guy, the marathon is appropriate.
• naturally if time is a consideration you'll want to do a quickie
• if you're giving the blowjob as foreplay, use the marathon style or the guy could cum before you've had any real fun of your own
• if you're giving the blowjob after sex to get him off after you've had your fun, use the quickie style...he probably wants to be as relaxed as you are unless he's a total glutton for sex, in which case, it's your call
• if you want to thank someone who's shown you a good time but not seem too appreciative, either do a marathon and tell him in advance he will have to get himself off, or do a quickie and just behave afterward as if you hadn't done anything more meaningful than light his cigarette

The Surefire Way to Know How to Use Styles and Types

Mixing styles and types isn't always a good idea. Going hard and then lightening up can throw a guy's mood right off. But there is one surefire way to know whether mixing them is going to be a turnoff: the guy's musical tastes, especially the music he picks to listen to when he's with you.

If you want to give a guy a blowjob he'll love you for forever, here's how to do it. Pay close attention to the kinds of music he picks (that he likes, this doesn't work if he's only picking seduction music). And for guys who pick different things at different times, pay attention to what he picks on that day.

If he's picking out single songs from his CD or mp3 collection, he's almost certainly in the mood for a well-performed quickie. Pick the style by the songs he's picking. If they're lighter songs, use the light, sensitive-guy approach. If he's picking hard-ass tunes, that's probably what he'll most respond to that day.

If he's picking whole albums, and grooving on it, and they're actual albums and not a mix CD of single songs he likes, then your guy will probably love you for a marathon.

If he's picking albums of songs with rises and falls, then you can usually please him as well as you could by matching the kinds of tempo and mood changes of the albums he's picking, or at least coming close to it. If he's picking nothing but hard-ass metal or rap that doesn't have Stairway to Heaven style changes in intensity, then he probably won't appreciate those kinds of changes in intensity in a blowjob either.

"If he's picking music that has a lot of surprises in it, then you could build him a memory for old age by putting those kinds of surprise changes into your blowjob."

And usually, it is a complete no-no to abruptly change the tempo or intensity on him. But if he's picking music to play that has a lot of surprises in it (instant changes in tempo and/or intensity), then you could build him a memory for old age by putting those kinds of surprise changes into your blowjob. Some guys will go nuts if you just stop, look him straight in the eye, and smack him hard enough on the ass to hurt. But if his choices of music have changes that intense and sudden, he might shoot his load on the spot if you tried something strange like that.

Learn how to identify a guy's preference in a blowjob from his preference in music, and you'll never disappoint. And if you can stay anywhere close to the same types, styles, and tempos in a blowjob that your man's favorite music has, you'll have almost no chance of ever disappointing him.

Preference in actual sex is something different. So don't necessarily apply these rules to fucking or fooling around. Don't forget, a blowjob is always something you do that puts him first and you second, just like eating pussy is something that's done for you, not to you. He might be picking music that mirrors his preference in a shared sexual experience, but you've got to have say in that for it to really work. When you're the one giving, give what's going to be appreciated, not what you think the other person wants without having asked or checked.

Techniques of a Great Blowjob

Most women know two or three techniques and never do anything else, just the way most guys know how to lick, suck and finger and nothing else about giving head to a woman. Those techniques, for blowjobs, are sucking, pumping, and head-licking. A chick who really knows her stuff can turn those three techniques into the best blowjob you will ever get. But that's almost like art, and most of us aren't artists, so we need a variety of techniques to really create the most satisfying experience we can.

"The real pro's at giving head can use the 'wrong' techniques at times they're not supposed to work and make it the biggest thrill you ever had."

Most of what would be in this section, you've seen in other files, where techniques was about the only thing the writer ever was able to tell you about. So there is no techniques in this textfile! None!! Instead, we have decided to put in other textfiles that talk about techniques mostly, and focus here on what isn't in the "usual" stuff, because technique is shit if you don't also have timing, sense of perspective, sense of rhythm, and sense of appropriateness.

I look at it as there are three categories of techniques. Each has a right and wrong time and place, but of course the better you get, the more creative you can be, and the real pro's at giving head can use the "wrong" techniques at times they're not supposed to work and make it the biggest thrill you ever had. Mixing and matching isn't usually a good idea until you know what your guy loves, likes and doesn't like. And if you stick close to what is "ordinary" at least in terms of this textfile, chances are very good that you will still be giving your guy the best head by far that he ever got.

There are techniques which involve a very light touch, and are good for starting off, for restarting again after stopping or changing tempo in a marathon, or for variety in the middle of a blowjob or rhythmic "section" of a marathon. These usually involve the mildly sensitive and fairly sensitive areas, and don't usually involve the most sensitive areas even a little bit.

More intense techniques are the bread-and-butter of any good blowjob, and if they're mixed and matched, they should never tire you out, and guys who can handle a marathon without blowing their load will happily let you spend an hour or more on these techniques and not complain if there's not a lot of variety of intensity. (Variety of techniques and areas is essential though.) These techniques are the ones that involve stimulating the areas in the medium sensitivity range and only engage the least or most sensitive areas as "accessories" to the main technique.

"Imagine a fingernail scratching your clitoris...it's the same with the most sensitive areas of the male anatomy: overstimulation there can actually be painful enough to make some guys shout."

The most intense techniques are the "whore" tricks...the kinds such as the infamous "Eight Seconds" claimed she could get almost any guy off with in just that little time. But if you pay attention, you'll probably notice that they don't involve a lot of stimulation of the most sensitive areas either...they do involve the most attention to these areas, but not necessarily a lot of stimulation. Not many guys can handle a butterfly flick on the urethra for more than a second or two; even fewer can tolerate your lips rotating along the ring underneath the glans (head) for more than a couple of seconds either. Imagine a fingernail on your clitoris...a brief flick might be heavenly, but scratching it would feel like being tortured. It's the same with the most sensitive areas of the male anatomy: ANY overstimulation there is unpleasant and for some guys can actually be painful enough to make them shout.

And the least useful tricks you're ever likely to use are the things you see in porn flicks. The "pump-and-dump" scenes where the woman essentially has her head used like a vagina are there for the same reasons "money shots" (shots of the man shooting his load on the woman's face, belly, ass, etc.) are there: because men like to look at them, not because these are the kinds of things men like.

I have nine textfiles on blowjobs alone. In those files are probably 300 different techniques and variations, and they probably don't even cover the whole range of styles of techniques. There's probably thousands of different ways to stimulate a man and manipulate his erotic response up, down and sideways.

How many should you learn? That depends more on you than on your man. Think of fellatio as a reflection of who you are as a woman sexually and romantically. What kind of man do you really deserve? The kind of man who can appreciate a woman who knows a hundred different techniques and has rhythm and style down like a musician? Because relationships, even one-night-stands, are two-way streets. As good as you deserve, that's what you should be prepared to offer.

More than that, it's what you should be prepared to demand. If you felt it was worth your time to practice and perform enough of this technique and skill that you could consider yourself an "expert", then that's what you should expect of your man, and it's what he should be more than glad to give you if it's a truly loving relationship. And it's fair for you to ask or expect to get the kinds of returns on your attention that YOU want, if you're giving something that he wants. So if you've got a boyfriend who is happier than a pig in shit for having a girl who gives great blowjobs, make sure he knows that you expect to be able to be just as satisfied with the romance (if that's your cup of tea) or sex or whatever you feel you have a special need for that he doesn't share.

"If you felt it was worth your time to make yourself an 'expert', then that's what you should expect of your man."

What you should learn depends on where you are in terms of your relationships with men. Just as there's no point in any guy learning much about pleasing a woman who doesn't appreciate anything more than just a close, occasional roll around in bed, there's no point in you learning much at all about going down if you don't want or need much from a man that's specific to your gender. In fact you send the wrong signals to the wrong guys if you're too good at sex in any fashion, and you don't care much about sex or romance. (Romance is what women are biologically built to want the way that men are built to want sex.)

In fact, for some people, technique is the wrong thing to learn. Some men, and some women, are just plain "naturals". It's as though they knew when they were born how to please, know how to please and do it well no matter who they're with, and don't need to be taught a thing. For these people, learning about techniques might only ever teach them why their partners respond the way they do when they do certain things for them, and might even confuse them by taking some of the naturalness from what they do. Some of the shyest guys and girls you'd ever want to meet are just amazingly gifted in bed and never get a chance to be appreciated by the kinds of partners they deserve just because they don't seem like people who would really have that kind of talent in them. And of course too many girls and guys miss out on some very good times by not thinking that these people would be the least bit interesting on dates or in the sack.

The surest way to find out where you stand in terms of your ability and skill is to ask your partner. Some sex skills you learn because they enhance your pleasure. Most you learn to improve things for your partner. Too many people walk around thinking they're God's gift to man- or womankind and too many others walk around thinking they're incompetent bores because they don't ever get up the courage to ask how their partners see them.

If you want to really know where you stand in terms of your ability to please, the easiest way by far isn't just to keep your mouth shut and expect to tell from your partner's responses. It's to ask your partner..."how are things for you?" or "is there anything I could do that I don't do (or stop doing that I'm doing now) that you'd like from me?"

Just as the guy has to ask you how you find his lovemaking or cunnilingus, you've got to ask your guy how he likes his blowjobs, and what he does, or doesn't, like. It's embarrassing, I know, but it's a lot more embarrassing to be with someone whose ignorance or lack of attention is so bad that you have to tell them "Baby, our sex life sucks."

The Secret That Every Woman Should Know: Anal Stimulation and the Male G-Spot

What separates the pro's from the amateurs is how they treat the asshole. For some reason, maybe because nipples aren't erogenous for most guys, the asshole is the most sensitive spot on the male body outside of the penis. You can't always get to the guy's asshole when giving a bj, but if you can, and you have the nerve, you can send a guy into orbit if you treat it right.

There's two ways to do it, and each way works best for different kinds of guys. Pick the wrong method with the wrong guy and you'll see him go soft faster than a pricked balloon.

"You can't always get to the guy's asshole when giving a bj, but if you can, and you have the nerve, you can send a guy into orbit if you treat it right."

Don't just dive for it though. Tease him. If it's the first time you've been close in this way, run a hand very gently over an asscheek. If he doesn't go nuts for that and show it, he probably doesn't have the kind of anal sensitivity that most guys have, or he might be too shy about it to enjoy it, and it's one less thing for you to think about.

But if he does, that little brush lets him know you don't mind stimulating at least his butt. A couple of minutes later, brush his butt again, but get your fingertips inside the crack of his ass. Even if that's as far as you can go without grossing yourself out, that ought to let you know what he likes, and with most guys, you'll hear him groan or see him arch his back with ecstasy when you do that.

Then, if you have the nerve, work in toward the asshole. With guys who like hard sex and heavy petting, go in firm...really grab his butt and get the fingertips in closer to his asshole all the time. With guys who seem to take a more gentle approach, stroke the ass and inside of the cheek lightly as though you were petting a sick animal...guys who are gentle with you are usually very sensitive themselves and get the most out of a really light touch.

As the guy is getting more and more turned on, press your finger over his asshole...very lightly and with light stroking for the gentler guys, hard for the tough ones and just sort of knead it a bit. If you're doing a marathon, wait until your second build of intensity before going this far at the back end.

Unless you've got a strong stomach, or some lube handy (even margarine will do in a pinch) don't lick your fingers after touching the guy's asshole. This can be a real turnoff. But if it's the first time you've gone this far with this guy, don't let him know if you will actually go further...let him sit there and wonder if you'll actually stick your finger in his butt...he'll go nuts and love it! If he doesn't like this kind of thing, you'd have known it long before you touched his asshole.

If you're doing a quickie, wait for the last minute or two. If you're doing a marathon, it depends on how far you want to go. If you don't plan to go any further, only do this on the last build of tempo before bringing him off. If you are going to go further, and work his G-spot into the fun (see below), then tease him with a few pushes of your finger into his anus on the second-last build in intensity. When you stop and re-build the intensity the last time, he'll go half-insane, knowing you had your finger in his ass, wondering how far you might go the next time you build.

Usually the best time to stick your finger right in his butt is just when he is ready to pop, or after five or ten minutes if you're doing it marathon-style. Lube up first, because sticking a dry anything in anyone's butt hurts like a sonofabitch. Then, being very careful of your nails if you have them, just stick your finger in his butt...you'll feel the end of the anus where the colon begins...you should never need to go farther than that with any guy unless he's totally anally fixated.

"Do not go after the G-spot if you don't intend to swallow. For a lot of guys, the first touch of the G-spot will be enough to make them nut in four seconds."

If the guy likes a light style, just stay there...you can gently stroke his butt with your thumb if you like but that feeling of something in him should be all he wants to feel. For guys who like it rough, don't treat his asshole like he treats your pussy, thrusting your finger back and forth. You can gently move in and out, but he'll probably like it as much or more if you just tug at it, as if you were lightly tugging at the opening in a plastic package or something like that. Any kind of action that feels a bit to him like stretching the anus is nice...it's like the feeling of extra fullness that women get when using those throbbing dildoes or when a guy inflates his penis inside you, and you should treat it as the same sensitivity as you expect your pussy to be treated.

If you have very short fingernails, you can feel up the colon an inch or two for a rough-ish piece of skin which is the male G-spot. It's not that easy to find, just as your G-spot probably isn't for him. But if you can feel the swell of his prostate gland, you're probably close. Light pressure is usually all you need to use, or for sensitive guys, just touching it with no pressure. If you can't actually find that roughish spot, just assume that the prostate gland is the G-spot and ask him later how it felt. If the guy says it was too intense, he's probably too tight to appreciate his own G-spot, or if he says it felt a bit like having to take a piss or having a full bladder, then you know you found it or gotten very close to it.

Do not go after the G-spot if you don't intend to swallow unless you are very good at marathon BJs. For a lot of guys, the first touch of the G-spot will be enough to make them nut in four seconds, leaving you with the problem of figuring out what to do with a mouthfull of jizz.

The Hum Job

This isn't the same for every guy. Sensitive guys love this, but more aggressive guys don't seem to get much out of it. Whores who can give good hum jobs can supposedly get guys off in a couple of minutes with this trick even if they're dead tired and half asleep.

Humming or moaning while you've got your guy's dick in your mouth is more awesome than a rough lick on the area below the head...but if you've got what it takes, you can make it even better by humming or moaning with the guy's penis all the way into your throat.

"Most girls can't do this without practice, and it's said that whores in the Far East are forced to practice on bananas and dildoes until they can do it without gagging."

Most girls can't do this without practice, and it's said that whores in the Far East are forced to practice on bananas and dildoes until they can do it without gagging. You need to be really relaxed with the guy you're with, and if the guy is young, ultra-hard, or has a bigger than usual bow in his erection, you'll need to take his penis in your mouth lying side-to-side. This is not something you can do kneeling on the floor and blowing a guy who is sitting in a chair.

A couple of girls I knew who could take all eight inches of me (unlucky for me a thin eight inches even fully erect) in their throat said that they used either meditation training or could only do it when they weren't horny and excited themselves. (OK, here's where I have to come clean...none of us had eight inches, and the "couple of girls" mentioned here were male friends of Geijing. -CL) Which gives you an idea. Imagine sticking your finger all the way down your own throat and not gagging and you get the picture of how hard it is to do.

There are many techniques floating around out there that give tips for making it easy to learn. If you can do it, it is a skill you'll have to be careful about if you don't want to become a legend for the wrong reasons. But unless your guy is asking you to learn it, or unless you want to try your hand at "the Ultimate 69" (see below) and you're close enough to your boyfriend's height that you have to learn it to make the fit right with him, then don't bother trying unless you're prepared to endure a lot of gagging as you get the hang of it. One girl I know who learned it easily was bulimic when she was younger, and was used to gagging enough that she didn't think it was hard or unpleasant to learn at all.

And whooboy...if you ever feel a girl's adam's apple on the head of your cock while she's fingering herself and moaning, or just humming for your benefit, it is as different as a vibrator is to being stroked by a tongue or finger, and every bit as intense and pleasant as a vibrator! There is truly nothing like it.

"The Ultimate 69": For Experts Only?

There's an ancient technique that is written up in some Oriental lovemaking literature about a technique that is supposed to be so intense that it can make you have religious experiences. But it is probably so hard to do that it is probably not for any couple that isn't very close and very skilled. And from what I can tell, you both need to be certain heights to do this or you won't be able to get it right.

Let's say you're both, and let's say you want to try it. Or maybe you just want to know what the "ultimate" is. (I've never done this, and only known one guy who has and said it was amazing, better than the best sex he ever had.) Here's how it apparently works.

The old literature supposedly talks about all kinds of rituals and setup you're supposed to do for this. If you want to do that, just write some web expert on sex techniques and maybe they can tell you how to set this up. All I know is how it is supposed to work.

The guy lies down flat on his back. The girl then kneels over him with her clitoris right over the guy's adam's apple. (You can probably guess what's coming.)

Then the girl slowly bends down and takes the guy's penis in her mouth. The guy has to be disciplined enough to not cum when this starts, and the girl has to be disciplined enough (and have a big enough throat) to be able to give a proper full-throat hum job.

"If it works right, it's said to cycle pleasure in a circle between you, and the pleasure gets greater with every breath until one of you either cums or has to stop."

The idea then is to just lay there motionless for a minute or two and relax before starting...breathing out of your nose, of course. Then one of you hums slowly while exhaling...this is all the stimulation your partner gets but it is apparently awesome if you're relaxed enough. One of you hums while the other inhales, then the other hums while the one who isn't humming inhales.

If it works right, it's said to cycle pleasure in a circle between you, and the pleasure gets greater with every breath until one of you either cums or has to stop. From what I was told, it can be that good that you can't stand it any more.

As it was told to me, if there's any conflict in the relationship, or you really don't know whether you're compatible with your partner, this was what some Buddhist priests would have told you to do to find out. Supposedly, you would never get to the real heights of pleasure with this if you really weren't close to your partner, so if this didn't work for one partner, it could even be reason enough for a divorce. Seems to make sense to me, and it sounds cheaper and a lot more fun than marriage counselling!

I've never been able to find a chick who could take my dick in her throat who also seriously wanted to try this, or been with one who wanted to try it long enough that we gave it a shot. But it sounds like the truly ultimate 69 experience if you're with someone you're really close to. Any girls out there who might want to give this a real shot, look me up!

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"If it's Free Kevin, then why do I
have to pay so much in bail to take delivery?"
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For Queenie, Rypple, Glowing Gasbag, and Tweeter
(I gave "Queenie" a shout here simply because I felt that Geijing's input on this file was utterly invaluable, and added a sensitivity and balance that most files of this type lacked at the time. Hacking and pirating was - and still is to a large extent - a male-dominated hobby, and the gender bias in "bookwarez" of this type all too often reflected that. -CL)
Greets to CoDC, DoD, Class, Paradox, and Razor 1911
and everyone else who pretends they never heard of us.
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Another indispensible guide to technical ecstasy by

The Precious Pennies

"Right under your noses!"
(ASCII art is for ASCII holes.)
(The truth is that none of us were any good at it. If we'd been any good at all with TheDraw ("the" program for ASCII art at the time), you can bet your ass that this textfile would have been illustrated up the waz. -CL)

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