Ambition Meets Naked Indifference:
"How Comedy Is Like Sex"
Originally delivered in Cranbrook, BC 06/10
Stand-up comedy, setpiece
Rating: PG [14+, deals with mature subject matter...well, duh!]
Length: 2 clips, ~10:00 each
Performed: June 10, 2010
Ever wish you could see your favorite comedian's very first performance?
I set the bar high for my first stand-up performance...this is the first half of a whopping forty-minute setpiece discussing the similarities between comedy and sex. With a full month to prepare, I only completed the working script four days before it was presented, and two other complete routines were discarded before I settled on this one. Pretty good writing, I think, for a piece of this length which hasn't had the benefit of audience feedback...but the performance is juuuust a little painful.
Well here's my first-ever stand-up performance. It's not pretty, people...it really isn't. Stage nerves were turning my knees to Jell-O (fortunately, I knew it would happen and structured my delivery accordingly) and it's both slow and slurry, and the second sectionperformance is delivered almost entirely out-of-frame. But from the response, you wouldn't think anyone really cared. It wasn't too bad a set, actually, but the audience was concerned with how one or two members would react to the content, and the script had only been completed four days earlier...and was forty minutes long! I only got to deliver half of the entire routine, and it's not something you're ever likely to want to hear more than two or three times in your life, but it is the very first recorded performance of mine, and bet on this: it will not remain online indefinitely. If I ever do really make it big, this could become quite a conversation piece.
DISCLAIMER: I have performed as a comedian before, but never doing standard-form stand-up comedy. All of my prior appearances involved sketch comedy, improvisational comedy, prop comedy or "readings".
Sadly this piece will probably never be delivered live in its complete form...it's just too damn long. But I did manage to deliver the first two quarters of it to the meeting and recorded the performances on a cheap camera.
Spoiler alert: The entire working script of this performance is presented here as it was delivered, including the never-performed second half of the piece. Click here to jump directly to the halfway point, and continue the script at the point where the recorded performance ends..
Flash video is not the most attractive format, but the frame size should be compatible with most mobile devices, the audio is acceptable, and the compression is strong enough to allow for hesitation-free streaming playback even on a dial-up connection (provided you are not downloading anything else at the time).
Mp3 audio has been pre-processed for improved sound quality, and is provided at the smallest possible filesize which allows for reasonably warble-free sound. The recording isn't the best, but you should find the audio quality to be quite acceptable.
Part 1 Flash movie (10:04) 4.0Mb
Download Part 2 Flash movie (11:18) 3.9Mb
To play the movie, right-click over the movie image and select the appropriate option.
To download the movie as a disk file, right-click over the download links above and select Save As..., Save Link to Disk As... or whichever menu option appears to allow you to save the clip as a file.
Part 1 24kbps 11kHz full-length (10:04) mp3 (mono) 1.8Mb
Download Part 2 24kbps 11kHz full-length (11:18) mp3 (mono) 2.0Mb
To download the mp3 audio clip, right-click over the speaker icon and select Save As..., Save Link to Disk As...download links above and select Save As..., Save Link As... or other option which appears to allow you to save the file to disk.
play the movie, right-click over the movie image
To download the movie as a disk file, right-click over the download link and select Save As..., Save Link As... or other option which appears to allow you to save the file to disk.
Really stoned? Right-click and start the movie at left, then start the movie at right, and watch each clip with a different eye.
Normally I would present something like this with the working scripts as well. But the working scripts plus this finished script total nearly 200kb of text! (To give you an idea of how much text that is, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer complete and unexpurgated weighs in at just under 400kb.) Honestly...unless you're another comic fishing for material, you are not going to read this whole page, are you? Actually, you might, but perhaps not in its present form...I'm seriously thinking of re-doing this piece as a studio recording for a talking book, but I'm afraid it still needs some tightening to live up to my standards. In its present form, it's as good as most of the stand-up floating around these days. And that's not good enough for me.
By May of 2010, I was sick of sitting on the sidelines. I had to get in the game while the getting was still good. I happened to know the president of a local Toastmasters chapter which allowed non-member guest speakers, and managed to convince her to allow me to test new material on her Toastmasters club on slower evenings. All I lacked was something to deliver. With less than three days to spare before my speaking date, I finally lashed this piece into presentable shape, and ended up presenting it with the aid of a computer and a remote mouse...there was no way I was going to memorize it, since it weighs in at a whopping forty minutes in length as an oral presentation. It's pretty loose, and not very weighty joke-wise in certain spots, but considering this was completed to this level from a standing start in just nine days, I think it's pretty damn good stuff. The problem is that I have had no luck at all in condensing this piece to a more presentable length.
Technically, the same journalistic rules so fervently preached by Coca-Cola and Kleenex apply to Tampo as well: the word refers to a trademark, not a word which has passed into common usage (at least not yet), so it is always capitalized and never pluralized.
Hi, thank you. I want to thank Kxxxx for allowing me to take up your time.
Now, for those who may not yet be aware, I'm working up a comedy act right now and Kathy has kindly consented to allow me to test new material here at Toastmasters meetings.
Personally I'd prefer an audience that isn't composed of people who are *paying* to learn how to *do* this,
but...I imagine *you'd* probably prefer to hear someone who actually *knows* how to do *comedy*,
so...don't feel any obligation to be *polite*
...just try not to laugh more than you have to and we can get this over with that much sooner, ok?
Don't feel like you have to stay for the whole presentation
...and don't worry about distracting me when you go;
I don't usually hold grudges for more than a month *anyway*
...I don't expect anybody to stay for the whole thing *anyway*
...it's actually *easier* for me to finish to an empty room because I
...I usually recover faster when fewer people are beating me. It's ok, it's ok...
And if it gets bloody...um...I don't have anything you could catch.
Ok...well, maybe a *clue*...no, sorry, bad joke,
All I'm saying is that if it *does* get bloody, keep in mind that
anything more than six blows counts as *personal services*
- I have rate cards if you need them
- and more than ten, and, I *will* need a damage deposit up front.
Just in case concerned about the *content* of this monologue,
I've arranged this material so that it begins very clean and "pg"
...it does get a little more "cbc prime time" later on,
so if you're easily offended, this should give you plenty of time to leave
before it gets...uh...
...I DON'T use four-letter words...although there *will* be discussion of certain body parts
and uh...alternate fuels...so...a word to the wise.
Now, if you were at the last meeting that I spoke at, you know that I recently made a major discovery about comedy and it appears that I am one of only a handful of people in North America to have ever figured out the true evolutionary purpose of comedy.
And I'd tell you, but...there are certain tricky implications to it,
and maybe the easiest way to explain it is...
well, when that chicken crossed the road,
the "other side" has more than one meaning
...and...well...when we *tell* that joke kind of leave out the part
that chickens crossing roads don't really dodge traffic very well...
Sorry to be so cryptic about it, but I don't think we *need* to know the
subconscious sexual symbolism of the knock-knock joke?
Just to just to give you an idea: in primitive cultures doors didn't have to be square,
and we didn't always knock with our knuckles.
What I -^-*can* tell you is *this*. Once you know the *purpose* of comedy,
it's easy to get from there to *how it *works*,
and then it's just a couple of steps to a formula for creating perfect comedy.
And I'd like to be able to tell you tonight that I've *created* the perfect comedy routine.
But I've only figured out how to create *MY* perfect comedy routine.
So, if you don't find this material funny, it's not because it *isn't* funny,
it's just because you're not seeing the joke from MY perspective...
If you were my *clones*, you would *seriously* need extra underwear.
I know you're not...but...if you identify with me at ALL...just
...you might want to check for "leaks in the basement" from time to time.
*Clenching* -v-exercises help.
Anyway, interesting observation about this theory...it turns *out*,
that most comics over the last fifty years have been right about something without even *knowing* it.
Comics like to say that comedy is like *sex*
..or what they've heard sex is supposed to be like,
and they usually say this as a setup to a routine or a *joke*
...some of them probably said it just to say "sex" onstage
...I guess that was really big in the sixties..."SEX!" heheh
...but the thing is, it turns out that comedy is more like sex than anyone ever realized.
Has NOTHING to do with making love
...it actually has a lot more to do with making PUDDING
...(I'm going somewhere with that, I'm not just saying that just to be able to say "pudding")...
But a lot of comics would *want* to compare it with sex and then back *off* to something like
...like "Comedy is like golf"
or "Good comedy is like a wet duck"
or something silly like "comedy is like eating a peanut butter sandwich in church"...
I don't know if any comics ever *used* that one
but it's silly and you can *make* it work
...sticks to the roof of your mouth...deadly peanut butter allergies
...that much closer to God...*that* sort of thing...
...but my *favorite* example was...."Good comedy is a like Jell-O Pudding Pops".
Of course that's Bill Cosby's
...I'd *do* my impression of Cosby but it always ends up sounding a lot more like Dudley Do-right...
But, in his defense, Cosby would *never* be caught using a *sex* analogy...so pudding pops isn't a *bad* one...a lot of *other* comics used after that, although to be *fair*, *most* of them I think were just making *fun* of Cosby...-^-which is an interesting *hobby*, but...well, I'm *glad* he didn't compare comedy to *chocolate* pudding.
I remember the first time I saw him use that analogy was on that Jell-O special he did...I think it was in the 80s...I think it's *hilarious* now, partly because *he* took it so *seriously*...it just looks *stupid* today...because if comedy *IS* a lot like Jell-O Pudding Pops, then that would *also* mean that Jell-O Pudding Pops are a lot like *sex*...and if that's true, then it just proves every creepy rumor I ever *heard* about him.
So I don't know if it was part of the show or one of the commercials...he sat these kids down at the blackboard with the diagrams of the comedian and the pudding pop, and he had this *whole explanation*
...for how the skim milk solids was your memory and
...the sugar is the actual jokes
...the stick is like the venue,
...and the tricalcium phosphate was like the instinctive centers of the brain
...and tartaric acid was the transmission delay at the synaptic junction...
well, the thing is that looks good on the blackboard
but if you know anything about food science, you just *know* that nobody's going to eat THAT pudding.
*Especially* when he gets to the guar gum.
And don't get me wrong, I'm not racist. I think he was absolutely right about the caramel color corresponds to our base animal instincts. I know there's a school of thought that says that caramel color in relation to comedy only represents our fear of the unknown or the unfamiliar. But you *know* where they're going with *that*, don't you? I mean, it's *exactly* that kind of bad food science that gives black comics an excuse to keep telling jokes about how *white* guys have no *asses*.
So are we clear on this? Caramel color...base animal instincts, no argument from me.
But then it just gets *stupid*.
I mean...if hecklers represent the scum that forms on top of the pudding, (which was *my* favorite *part* by the way)
...then guar gum can't be the setup line,
...because then what the hell is cornstarch for?
Cornstarch can't be the liquor license for the club because *it* already represents the liquor *itself*...
...so what's guar gum?
The *only* thing that makes *sense* is that *guar gum* is
- EITHER the liquor advertising in the club,
- OR it's the beggar who comes around to your table and tries to sell you those pens and buttons and stuff between *sets* and tries to make you believe he's really handicapped when actually he just likes to sell stuff.
And that's not even the *dumbest* part of it. Get this - you won't believe this - Jell-O doesn't even USE guar gum...they use *xanthan* gum. Oh *god* I laughed when I heard that...
I mean, here's these poor kids are being told by this entertainment icon that the secondary binding agent in comedy is an ingredient that Jell-O doesn't even *use*.
How many of you *saw* that special? *Really*.... Ohhhhhhh y'know? I just *might* have *dreamed* that...*anyway* it doesn't matter. Look. If you ever get a chance to *have* that dream, I *highly* recommend it...Cosby is just SO out of touch with modern food chemistry...
Anyway, enough about pudding pops...let's get back to what I was saying.
The new formula...in context of this new formula, it's just *amazing* the number of similarities between comedy and sex. Actually, -^-let me put ---that--- another -v-way...
it's amazing the similarities between *good* comedy and *good* sex.
I'm not saying comedy is a *replacement* for sex, or that it's as *as good* as sex, although it's probably better than the sex that most comics have to *settle* for.
When pigs fly, I think hats will become very fashionable.
So let's go over the obvious similarities.
To start with, sex and comedy both involves emotional and physical arousal.
You're not going to laugh if you're not at least a little bit relaxed and a little bit turned on.
*Emotionally* I mean, not *sexually*...although...whatever *works* for you...
Both sex and comedy require careful attention to communication. *You* have to pay attention to what the *performer's* doing, and the performer has to pay close attention to *you*.
-things start falling *out*
-you end up spilling stuff off the *bedtable*
-she's complaining about her *arm* going to sleep,
aaaand eventually *someone* gets a *knuckle* in the eye and you end up having to go to the *den* and finish up by *yourself*...but enough about me.
Sex and comedy also have a *rhythm* of rising and falling emotions and sensations.
But it's not really a team effort. One person has to do most of the work for the other person to really *enjoy* it.
And it's the same with sex. You work *together* on the *rhythm* but the comedian does most of the work. He might tell the audience to...turn over or...to put their leg like *this*,
...but the performer HAS to do most of the work, or the *audience* is going to feel kind of *cheated*.
After all, what are you *paying* for when you go to a *club*?
Not that I'm suggesting that anyone here would have to ...(*pay*)...uhmm...I'm talking about *comedy*.
Also, for the sex to be *good* you have to manage the *intensity*, or it's over really quickly. Same with comedy.
You can *always* get really intense *comedy* on TV for seven minutes or so, but it's not really the same because there's no commercial breaks in sex.
Well, I've heard Universal was experimenting with it at a couple of sex ranches near Reno...FOR THE MOST part, there's no commercials in sex.
I thought *this* was interesting...When you see to a comedy performance, you expect to be entertained, you *want* to *laugh*. But there's always the "heckler" factor. Any time there's more than a few people, there's always going to be *some jerk* who wants to to ruin the show or distract the comedian.
And *hecklers* have a parallel in sex...no, it's not a mother-in-law joke...
Now, in comedy the comedian is always male, even if they're not...you follow me?
And the audience is always *fe*male.
But as it was explained to me, it doesn't matter HOW much a woman WANTS sex, she's always got this...uh..."inner heckler" that just wants to get you OFF of her so you that she can get some *sleep*. Well, and old girlfriend once told me that all women *have* that.
So it's a good thing comics handle heckling better than most *guys* handle things in the *bedroom*...otherwise, you'd have to listen to comics *pleading* for another two or three *minutes*, you know..."*Just* let me a do a few more jokes...I promise I'll be quick...I'll buy you those *drinks* you wanted."
Sex and comedy also *both* involve very strong social taboos. So they can both cause *shame*, which you already *knew*, right? You know what I mean...
-you get a little too drunk and you end up settling for a comedy club we wouldn't be seen dead at if you were sober?
-and that walk of shame into the bathroom the next morning...you sit on the toilet and you want to double over in disgust when you think back to what you were laughing at the night before.
-And that awkward moment AFTERward...when you get back to your bedroom...and the comic is still there and thinks he's going to get a free breakfast out of this
-and then you have to explain to your mothe...*wife* why there's all that extra laundry...
-^-Aaaah-v-, we don't we learn, do we?
But that leads right into the *next* similarity between comedy and sex: they can both involve *terror*.
- With sex it's the terror of a communicable disease
- or, if you're a woman, an unwanted pregnancy
- or, if you're a man, commitment... ( the threat of a long-term relationship)
So with comedy the terror can be about inappropriate *laugh*ter
- or hearing a joke that gives you that <finger quotes> "Uncle Bruce" feeling...
- or worst of all, the cold, horror that you get when you realize that it's lunchtime and the comic still hasn't left.
- And when it's *really* bad, they can both have that shame/terror spiral...you know, that self-perpetuating cycle of sex...comedy...sex...comedy
...and before you know it it's sex with comediaaaaans
...and you're hanging out at comedy clubs for the meat market actiooon (which is a really stupid idea on its own, by the way)
...and you're waking up next to comics you don't recognize in cheap hotels,
...and then the restraining orders from Russell Peters' lawyerrrs...
...ah, you think we'd *learn*, right?
Oh I need to stop for a moment.
Now at this point, there's something I forgot to mention.
...I *am* a *man*...I mean a REAL man, not just...for the sake of the comedy
...so of course, we're now several minutes into this entertaining little intercourse,
and I just realized that I've forgotten something fairly important.
Anyone know what it is? Keeping in mind the sex theme?
It's the *foreplay*.
It's the male's responsibility - the *comic* - to warm-up the *female* - the *audience*.
Just so you know, some of this is going to sound a little forced and clumsy...but I *am* playing the *man's* role here, so...at least there's a consistency to it...
and also keep in mind that I'm not very experienced at this...I'm not lying; I JUST wrote this monologue and I'm not lying...you guys ARE my first audience.
So let's get right to some warm-up jokes.
Ever notice that the older you get, the longer it takes to realize that you're watching a rerun?
Now I told that joke *knowing* that it might not get a response...
A good lover *always* starts really soft to find out how his partner responds.
Which is important in comedy too
because not all audiences are as sophisticated and attentive as this one.
Now, you see how I threw in that phony compliment to make you feel *better* about yourselves,
-good comics do that all the time,
-just a good lover would do.
Now I'm going to take a risk here to see how you respond...'cause if I'm going to be a good performer OR a good lover I need to know sensitive you are and how far you're going to let me go with you.
You might all be drunk and rowdy
-but there might still be things I shouldn't say
-and places I shouldn't put my fingers
-and whether or not you're just going to *pass out* on me.
FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING, of course.
So here's my sensitivity-test joke.
Guys, whenever you fart silently in public...
See what I just did there? I took a chance...I went right for a toilet joke
...so like a good lover I'm really watching you now to see how you're going to react to what I say next.
Guys, whenever you fart silently in public...and you suddenly realize that it wasn't one of those special *de-O*-dorized farts that we all have about one time in four, and that everyone's going to know it HAS to be yours? Well, if you can't *cover* it, here's what to do: after you fart, put your hands like this, look around as if you're checking to see if anyone's looking, and do the armpit thing reaaally slowly. Now, two things will happen. If nothing else, you'll get credit for creativity, and this much I *promise* you: If anyone in the room is high, they'll totally lose it.
Now I have to focus back on you again and make sure you're still interested
...in sex, this is where the man should always has a go-to move that he knows women usually react to.
-This way the guy - me, the comic - can tell just how horny-uh mm-INTERESTED you are at this point.
And it's usually a good idea to *introduce* this move so it doesn't *startle* anybody. So I introduce it like this:
I know it's a little late in the game, but every comic has their signature suicide-bomber joke. Here's mine, and of course, apologies in advance if you ARE a suicide bomber, you'll find this offensive, but, try to live with it...you won't have to live with it for very *long* now, *will* you?
Knock knock <girly voice>
<gruff arab voice> Who's there?
Oh camelsnot, it WAS the blue wire.
So every comic has a few of these go-to moves in his pocket.
Because you have to keep checking with your partner...the audience...and see how they're doing.
But when I use these jokes *later* in a show, they're not foreplay any more, they're more like barometer jokes, and
they're supposed to tell the comic whether he's stepping over the line with the audience,
...or maybe find out that the audience wants you to go farther than you've already gone.
And *You* guys are...*pretty* dirty. But you have to think being appropriate to the *venue* too...and this is...this is...sort of like being in your parents' guest bedroom, so...don't worry...I'm not going to get TOO loud or too messy here
...we don't want one of those...uh...*awkward moments over breakfast*
...especially when the relationship is *this* shaky...
<---halfway point: When I was writing this, it came out a lot longer than I expected
- gets even better in the 2nd half...I'll continue if you like.
It's no big deal, really...I *could* die in a car crash on the way home and then *nobody* would ever see the *rest* of this...but...I wouldn't want anybody to feel *obligated* to stay....
Before I get back to the show, I just want to say that I am available to do functions, parties and meetings, and I'll work for free or pass-the-hat at this time if I'm allowed to record the performance on video. So if you're interested in that, just slip me your phone number or e-mail address, and we'll get together on something.
So now we've got a *theme* - in this case, it's educational - teaching about how sex is like comedy
...and there's a *rhythm*...so the show is well underway.
...and if it's done well, you get a nice hour of pleasant amusement...
- and as long as you don't pass out at the club there's no argument over who has to sleep on *what*,
- and as long as you're not listening to *ethnic* humor, you never have to worry the next day if you've done something you're really going to regret later...
- and if the event was truly memorable, you might even walk away with a little bundle of joy or two that you can share with your friends later...I mean, the *jokes*. I don't think people have been sharing children since *I* grew up, have they?
Oh, and if you REALLY laugh yourself out, you might even have an afterglow
...you know, one of those cartoon smiles that tells the world you're in recovery from erectile dysfunction?
And this leads into maybe the most *important* parallel between sex and comedy.
Comedy is actually the *only* common form of entertainment that consistently gives you a *real* emotional release, You should actually leave a comedy performance *laughed out* to the point where you almost feel like you've been *born again*. In fact -this is true-, no other form of entertainment can be measured for quality based on whether or not you should have worn a diaper to the performance.
- Think about it...we don't even go to *horror* movies hoping to *soil* ourselves.
- And they don't pass out boxes of tissues at the ballet or the opera, either. I know, if it's *really* good it's supposed to make you *cry*. But remember, this is where the *rich* and *powerful* go to be entertained.
So when you're at the *opera*, it's like you're being judged on how much you can *feel* without showing the slightest change of expression
...sort of like an adult version of a *staring* contest that's only open to inbreds and sociopaths.
- And rock and *roll* doesn't give you a release either. It gets you *worked up*, but the whole *ethos* behind rock is to always leave you wanting *more*.
I look at it as sort of halfway between going to a strip club and owning a North American car:
1. If you go the slightest bit out of bounds you're going to get you ass thrown into a *ditch*,
2. When you step *out* of it, you just want to get drunk and *punch* somebody,
3. You *never* get the performance that you *really* want,
...and when you think back on the whole experience, you *really* wish you'd spent all that money on something a little more satisfying.
(New Kia slogan: "At least it wasn't made here.")
- And *Country music* comes *close*, but it doesn't *always* give you a release.
Actually I *will* say *this*: Country's great for helping you get your anger out.
Aaaat the very *least* it'll put you in *touch* with it.
But it's not as *consistent* as comedy, and *I* don't think *bad* comedy ever made anybody want to pull their own *skin* off. But, I've never actually *seen* Joan Rivers do more than ten-minutes, so I could be wrong.
And there's the alcohol thing too...I just don't think people *drink* at *comedy* clubs to make the *jokes* less *irritating*.
And even if country *does* help you release *anger*, in comedy you don't have to *compete* to find out who's doing the *releasing* and who gets released *on*. Although with *sex*...anyway, thats the not the point.
The point is that *comedy* actually leaves you *satisfied*.
You should *never* walk away from a comedy performance feeling like you didn't laugh *enough*.
And I there's only one other form of entertainment that I KNOW of...that is *supposed* to be *satisfying*.
-eating, and pornography.
That's still only one form of entertainment by the way, because nobody uses *both* for entertainment
...at least not at the same *time*
But food and porn don't measure up to comedy in other areas.
For example. Eating doesn't actually give you a release, well...maybe if you have REALLY fast digestion
...and porn is never really *satisfying*...well, *maybe* if you're *acting* in it.
But the *biggest* difference is that comedy doesn't need audience participation to be satisfying.
So good comedy is actually more like being *spoonfed* (which, don't get me wrong, once in a *while*)
...or getting a hand...getting a hand for your perfor...mance. um... well, and with comedy, you just don't need to use your hands to make sure that you laugh.
Which leads to ANOTHER advantage of comedy: no *mess* to clean up later. EATING...I'm talking about EATING! Porn doesn't leave a *mess*! You don't think guys just use condoms for *disease* prevention, do you? I mean, I don't want to be *graphic* here, but *most* guys understand the concept of a "catchbasin".
So comedy is the only form of entertainment that should always give you a satisfying emotional release.
-Every time see a comedy performance, it's like having a little emotional climax.
-And if you go to a club or a theatre, it's like being at a big dry orgy.
-And you owe that satisfaction to the performer who made you laugh.
-It is one of the few opportunities we have in this life to get off in public and not have it end in one of those embarrassing phone calls for a ride home from the police station.
And comedy does even more than *that*. Now *this* takes a bit of explaining, so bear with me for a moment.
I'm sure a lot of you have heard that comedy is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Well, that's not entirely true...the ultimate aphrodisiac is.........diamonds.
(New DeBeer's commercial: picture a woman behind a sheer curtain, some soft romantic music is playing, cue the announcer: "A woman's self-respect. The *second* hardest substance in your world.")
Anyway, diamonds are the ultimate aphrodisiac
...second place: no surprise, cocaine
...now, a lot of people still think that the third most potent aphrodisiac is cash.
Not true. Anyone know what it *actually* is?
It's credit. And do you know why?
Because cash is always self-evident
...a dollar is a dollar and always will be.
...When you have it, you have it, and when it's gone, it's gone.
The added stimulation you get from *credit* is the element of *mystery*, and with mystery comes excitement*
...because with credit, you *neeeever really know when you've passed the point of no return.
So it's diamonds, cocaine, credit, cash, and humor is actually way down the list.
Which kind of explains why most touring comics complain about sex being so hard on their wrists.
I'm not saying there aren't *exceptions*.
But when was the last time you heard a comedian who wasn't Milton Berle or Eddie Murphy
complaining about having to fight off all the women who become
ensnared in the steamy sexual vortex of his hot throbbing punchlines?
So where did comedy get this reputation for being an aphrodisiac?
Well, it stems from a secret passed down from one generation of make-out artist to the next.
It turns out that serious players have known for *decades* that if you want to *sleep* with a woman, the best place to *take* her is a COMEDY club.
- Take her to see a play, and she might still *sleep* with you, but not until you're finished discussing why the chince curtains in the living room in the second act would look better in her *living room* than in her *dining room*.
- Take her to see a *rock* show, and one of the roadies for the *band* has a better chance of sleeping with her than *you* do.
- Take her to a *country* bar, and it's pretty much hit-or-miss, depending of course on who's doing the hitting and how hard, and of course whether or not the miss is actually a mrs...or worse, a mister...(you too eh?).
And even if you do end up *sleeping* with her, just a word of caution here:
country fans are probably the last geoup left on earth who still believe that both of you passing out at the same time counts as a simultaneous climax.
The point is that country won't get you laid as often as comedy.
- A *movie's* not bad, but...take her to a *porn* movie...and...*you* guessed it...you're walking home *alone*.
- The circus? oh, she might go to *bed* with you, but only after you come to an agreement on what to name the *kid*.
- And if it's one of those new-age Cirque du Soleil type things...well, you *might* get lucky
...but even if you *do* you just *know* she's going to be comparing you to
- twenty different guys in spandex tights
-who are *younger* than you...*better-*looking* than you
-...and who can *do* things with her that you wouldn't even try to get out of being *drafted*.
And *you're* going to be making the *same comparisons*.
So even if you *do* end up in bed together,
it's either going to feel like a *serious* *lesson* in *humility*,
or if you're *both* lost in your fantasies of the *acrobats*,
then it's a pretty sure bet that at some point you will *both* hear someone's name called out who is *not in that room*.
If it's the *guy*, *he'd* better be ready to pull a *lion* taming act out of his ass,
and if it's the girl...well..."send in the clowns", eh? And I never cared much for slapstick in the bedroom.
- And sporting events: well as date choices go, most women don't even consider spectator sports to be entertainment.
They look at *spectator* sports the same way that *guys* look at doing +favors+ for their *friends*:
- a sort of social *banking* system in which you accumulate *credit* that you can spend later on getting somebody to do something THEY don't want to do.
- And I don't think we want to return to the way our *parents* looked at sex.
- And the *dance* shows that go around now...
guys, as a *date* choice, they're one of the worst options in *history*.
After seeing two hours of men dancing, the average woman would rather spend the night
trying to convince the red-haired toe-dancer with the fat fingers
that heterosexuality deserves another chance
...than she would under the covers with YOUR out-of-shape ass
...*BELIEVE* me on *this* one guys
...I'm *never* letting a woman drag me into THAT crusade again.
So...Riverdance: bad date choice.
- But take your girl to a comedy club,
and if even if she's only seen that comic in a *deodorant* commercial,
you've *still* tripled your chances before you're even at the club.
Seriously, men should think about stand-up comics the same way
we think of firefighters, astronauts and brain surgeons.
They're the heroes whose sacrifices on front lines make life better for *all* of us.
And -^-women should be ---pretty thankful -^-too-V-.
I mean, *sure* girls, your chances of going to sleep disappointed
are just as high as if you'd gone to a movie,
but look at it this way:
the more laughter you get out of your system at the comedy club,
the less you have left for the bedroom, right?
So this might be the -^-very first time you've *heard* this,
but it's *true*: Comedy performers may be the most underappreciated facilitators of sex in the western world *today*.
Even Playboy knows how important comedy is to sex.
Pop quiz: what do you usually find on the back of a Playboy centerfold?
<if nobody says anything>: I want a show of *hands* right now.
When *I* asked that question I want to know which of you thought to yourselves something like
..."stains, wrinkles or crust?"
Come on, show of hands.
I threw you people a perfectly good set-up line and you just let it sail on past as if *nothing* had happened.
What happened to the *magic*, people?
I mean, you can complain about being busy or tired all you *want*,
but *this* is precisely why we don't do this more *often*.
But it doesn't matter anyway, because you would have been wrong.
The answer is "Jokes". And why do you think they're there?
It's not because Playboy feels responsible for teaching teenage boys how to *read*.
They are there because of the powerful role that comedy plays in facilitating sex.
And I could make jokes about that,
but the truth is that the sex life of the average comedy performer is perhaps the saddest joke of all.
Even the *women* in comedy complain about their sex lives.
*Nobody* ends up sleeping with the comic, and is that fair?
When you think of all the unplanned children out there who owe their very existence to the fact that some guy was smart enough to take his date to a comedy club,
...is it really fair that touring comics still have to pay out of their own pockets for the porn films they end up watching in their hotel rooms?
I don't think so.
And yet...every weekend in every major center in North America,
comedy performers of every description are forced to choose between
going to bed frustrated and doing further damage to the same wrists
that they depend on for their *liveli*hoods.
Now *I* know. This would be *entirely avoidable* if these people would only remember to take along one of those battery-operated appliances that we all take for granted nowadays.
But we're talking about comedy performers here.
They're too busy taking care of you and me to *remember* these things,
and the sad fact is that comics don't even have an incentive to help themselves,
because deep down they all know that every minute of the day that they suffer is an opportunity for new material.
So I've made it a mission of mine to raise awareness of the issue
of sexual isolation among comedy performers.
I like to believe that I stand *beside* them in their suffering.
It's understandable that we *have* this problem
...it's only been recently that *anybody* really understand how comedy facilitates sex.
But we can't continue to pretend that comedy is an aphrodisiac, because it's *not*.
It's a *lubricant*.
It's a *lubricant*!
*Think* about it...What else works better for reducing the chafing and redness of everyday social intercourse than sharing a joke>
When you go to see a *comedy* performer, it's like having whole bottle of strawberry *massage* oil poured over you while you sit at the table,
and if it's a whole *show*, not just a few *warm-up* jokes for a band,
it's almost like having having a cute little masseuse come over to your table and rub it all over your body until you just want to *rip* off all your clothes and *slide* on top of your date like she was an inner tube at a water park
and ohhhhh, I should have worn *briefs*.
Anyway, this explains why comedy clubs are the best places to take a date if you want to get lucky.
It's because comedy is the *perfect* lubricant.
...it's *odorless*...(well, MOST of the time)
...it's...well...not *always* tasteless, but not everybody considers that an advantage *anyway*
...and it doesn't leave a stain or residue (unless the comic was *amazingly* good)
So what more could you *ask* for?
It's no *wonder* that comedy is WD-40 on female dignity.
But this is *also* why comics don't get women the way for example *rock musicians* do.
Because deep inside, we all *know* that this is what comedy does for us,
but we don't want to acknowledge it *consciously*.
So we have this twisted *sub*conscious image of sleeping with a comedian
being like climbing into bed with a 150-pound bottle of lumpy massage oil
that smells a little like armpits and and bread dough
and we're scared that if we squeeze it the wrong way it's going to cause a mess that we'll *never* get cleaned.
And it's just the distortion of the subconscious mind.
So I hope you don't mind if I end this part of the show with a little consciousness-raising. Because comedy performers are human beings. Well...there's Pee Wee Herman's pretty...that guy who plays Bubbles...Jim Carrey's GOT to be alien...MOST comedy performers are human beings.
And I realize that most of us simply can't help it, but we can AT LEAST make an effort to stop thinking about comedians as though they were badly-proportioned bags of funny-smelling grease.
And I also realize that attitudes formed over decades *aren't* going to change overnight.
But we should all try to remember the facts.
Most comedians actually make an effort to be odorless,
and some are actually rather *sweet*-smelling.
It's fairly well-*known*, for example, that Kevin McDonald of the Kids in the Hall, usually smells like a fresh bag of potato chips.
And I've read in a COUPLE of places that Joan Rivers smells like hot dogs...uh, no, *pepperoni*. That's it.
Comedy performers aren't bags of grease, either.
Admittedly, most of them *are* a little *lumpy*,
but science has actually PROVEN that the average comedian has HALF the fat than the same size serving of Ritz Crackers
...*and*...more than *three times* the *calcium*.
(I'm not suggesting that anyone would actually *ingest* comedians but apparently some of the women comics say they like to be eaten...)
That's not to say that taking a comedy performer to bed won't still leave you with a huge *mess* to clean up.
But most comics get so few chances to sleep with *anyone*
that if you ask nicely, you'll find that MOST of them are quite willing to clean up after *themselves*.
And even the ones who DON'T...most of THEM would be happy to entertain *you* while *you* do the cleaning.
OR...OR...best choice of all...find a comedian who specializes in dry humor. (Sorry.)
But it's time we gave proper credit to comedy performers for what they are: and that's perhaps the richest renewable source of sexual lubricant in the entire entertainment universe.
And for that, at the *very* least, we owe *all* of them the occasional mercy-sex.
Just remember...many of these poor people will *never* get laid unless you choose to help.
So the *next* time you go to a comedy club on a date,
whether you're married or single,
straight or gay,
post-menopausal or sitting in a puddle,
would you *please*...TAKE a moment...and honor that comedian by giving serious thought
...even if it's only for a second
...to the possibility of a three-way (some).