Rapid Composers' Consortium (RCC) #6: EMWZ Radio Midiwarez Air Check by Cub Lea as "the Doctor" Last updated 11/04

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The following is the complete text transcript and working script for my November, 2004 RCC submission, an alternative/college-radio aircheck parody.

Yeah, that last track was called Pushing George's Bush by a local group, Random Acts of Cheese. I heard this group last week for the first time at a party at DJ Lung Butter's apartment and really liked it...oh and that reminds me, a little personal note...Larry, if you're listening, Joanne is at MY place now, and she wants you to know that yes, she *did* test positive.

Anyway, the CD is called Vaginal Discharge on the Rocks, and if you want a copy, just surf on over to their website, www.randomactsofcheese.com. Just click on the slime-covered clitoris in the middle of the screen and that will take you right to their shopping cart. You might also want to order one of their dick-hats while you're there...I'm wearing one right now in fact, and they really are quite comfy...and uh...pleasant.

Oh, and an interesting thing the band told me about this album...the sound effects on the first three tracks are from an actual sexual encounter that the keyboardist had with President Bush during their days as roadies for Jane's Addiction.

And the vocal tracks were all recorded while Mayor Susan Scully was tied up naked in the studio's computer room. If you listen closely at about the three minute mark you can actually hear her screaming for help and banging her head on the wall underneath the singer's voice. And just for kicks I extracted the audio from this CD and loaded it into wavelab, and the rumors turn out to be true, she actually IS screaming "I'm out of toilet paper" at one point, and at another, you can hear her shouting something that sounds very much like "all bass players suck cock". And, well, maybe it's just me, but I don't care if she was tied up naked...that just doesn't sound like a very uh...mayor-ly thing to say. But...*I* didn't vote for her.

Before that, we heard the Palm Pilots doing "White Strands in My Hand"...I'm kind of ashamed of liking the Palm Pilots so much but...for some reason I just can't stop listening to them...two or three times a day sometimes.

And we also heard DJ Mickey D doing "R Kelly Doesn't Come Here Any More" and I guess the only appropriate thing to say about THAT track is...thaaaank god!

Finally we heard uh...wait, Zenta's waving at me from the booth here. Oh we have to do a station ID. Yes.

This is Doctor Heat dealing out the doses of audiotherapy like I do EVERY month at this time on EMWZ Radio, part of the Efnet Broadcasting System; don't look for us on the dial...we don't really exist. EMWZ is proud to bring you the *best* in music you've never heard and wouldn't want to hear again; if you can't find it, and wouldn't know where to look, you'll hear it here first and never again. EMWZ...Radio Midiwarez...where the best ideas in music...come to die.

Aaaand we'll get back to the trackage in a few minutes here on EMWZ...coming up in an hour or two, whenever he comes down I guess, is your man and my clone, DJ Wetblanket, and if you can survive that, we'll have the Reverend back in the studio some time between now and Tuesday with some wonderful...paid religious programming, but first we've got to pay the bills.

Oh, I have to read this one? Okay, let me find this script.

Here we are...

Doctor Heat's Backstreet Surgery is brought to you *every* month by the fine folks at Enema Brothers Pizza.

Enema Brothers have been serving the *best* in prairie pizza now since 1988. You can either dine in, or get the hell *out* of any of our four locations; remember dress code is in effect after four pm; clothing is NOT allowed before three.

Freshly-de-loused business suits are provided for children and the elderly; family-friendly dining means that no weapons are permitted; not even the boss's wife gets in without a pat-down. For your safety and dining pleasure, please warn your children to keep their hands away from our chefs, you *don't* want to know where they've been.

If you missed the grand opening, or just got too drunk to remember it, you can still
try our new downtown breakfast drive-through, or come on in and empty yourself out with our new breakfast pizzas.

Try our new Atkins-friendly orange juice, bran muffin and coffee pizza at the downtown location. You'll NEVER get a bottomless cup of shut-the-fuck-up from our topless waitresses; the kiddies can nurse for free when fresh milk is in season, and ask for the triple-bran, double-caffeine special and start *your* day with the unforgettable feeling of that first morning in a third-world vacation spot.

If smash-and-grab-style dining is more your style, then our famous bullet-proof drive-by windows are open and fully armed until well after you should be in bed.

It's our taste that's made us famous in the altered-states area. Our specially-trained Vietnamese chefs use only the freshest day-old cheese harvested from specially-trained Vietnamese street children. Our toppings are tough to beat, and that's why we beat them mercilessly until they're tasty-tender.

Special this holiday season...win a K-car. That's right...we're giving away the last of our 1988 Chrysler K-car delivery vehicles. We'll be drawing one name each week until Christmas, and *you* could be towing home a specially-painted Enema Brothers K-car, traffic fines and safety repairs not included. To win, just be the first to prove that the pepperoni...didn't come from cows.

So why waste your munchies money on that rich multinational fast food when we've got four strategically-located bunkers controlling access to *your* appetite. In Chakrasburg, we're at the corner of Twinkie and Charmin, next to the Pimp My Home Warehouse Store beside the Bugs Bunny Mall. Downtown, you can dine in someone else's clothes at our Funky Street location. On the waterfront, we always have Beta Version beer on tap at our floating toolbar...you'll find the symbolic link to our takeout window next to the tomb of the unknown tax evader.

And for delivery from our ovens to your in-box ANYWHERE in the Twit Cities area, dial 555-3867, that's 555-DUMP. Enema Brothers Pizza...it really is the shit.

Well it's time to get back to the music before those bonghits *really* kick in, so let's start the next hour off with some Venezuelan trailer-park trance from El Eskimo de Viagra y Los Glowsticks Rojos de Walmart. You're listening to EMWZ, Radio Midiwarez on the Efnet Broadcasting System, and it's Friday on your mind.