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The following is the complete text transcript of my September, 2004 RCC submission, a self-help "audiobook" parody. When first performed for a group in Cranbrook early in 2010, it was hailed as the funniest piece ever presented in that forum.
Announcer: Welcome to "Dr. Heat's Relationship Dynamite: How to Blast Through Relationship Problems and Explode Your Happiness." This is CD 6: Pathological Relationships and How to Pretend They're Normal...Track 1: The Most Common form of Pathological Relationship. I'm Cub Lea, and here again, is Dr. Winter. S. Heat.
Narrator: Thank you, Cub.
On this CD, we're going to discuss serious relationship problems and how to address them in the most time- and cost-effective method possible.
Now, as we've already learned, relationships only begin to suffer serious conflicts when the man in the relationship is wrong. If you missed this section, go back and listen again to "CD 2: The Woman is Always Right". And as we discussed on CD 4, "Relationships on the Eve of the Apocalypse", today's modern relationships are often more complex than they used to be. Sometimes the man in the relationship is the woman, and sometimes the woman is the man, and this can happen even in heterosexual relationships, or relationships between business partners. (laugh) And haven't we all been the woman from time to time in a relationship with an auto mechanic or help desk support person? Sure we have.
Ah, but how to deal with these complexities when one or both partners in the relationship has fallen victim to severe mental illness? How do we even *identify* the illness? What do we do to make sure that we don't end up the main ingredient in a cannibal stew if we're the victim, and if we discover that we're the aggressor, how do we make sure that we never serve more than a minimum sentence? I'll address these questions and many more as we progress through this CD.
Probably the most common pathological problem in relationships today is what I like to call "That (insert either Bitch or Bastard) is Criminally Insane". Studies have shown that up to twenty-five percent of us live, or have died in "That (insert either Bitch or Bastard) is Criminally Insane" relationships. This type of relationship is even more common than the "That (insert either bitch or bastard) Must be Gay" relationship, or the "I'll Kill You In a Drunken And/Or Drug-Induced Rage" relationship. We'll discuss these and other pathological relationships later, and I'll give you tips on the correct armaments to use both for self-protection and for insuring the least mess when you eventually blow up and end the life of that troublesome spouse and/or significant other.
Why have these sorts of relationships become so common? Some experts blame the increasing use of high-fructose corn syrup in our food products. Others blame the manufacturers of popular high-violence video games such as Doom and Grand Theft Auto for not making their games less frustrating to play. Still others blame the erosion of family values in the Western world, and the influence of Eastern investment cartels which they claim are bent on depressing the market of ideas and smoothing the way for cheap family takeovers and social acquisitions. And of course, there's the infamous ferret theory. I think we all remember when former New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani finally said what we all suspected, that ferret owners are mentally ill, and that people who like ferrets should be ground up for use as fertilizer in the lush ethanol corn fields of Iowa. Now, I don't claim to know which of these factors plays the biggest role, but I do know this: I've never met a person who liked ferrets whom I would allow within twenty feet of my children, if I had them, which I don't, thanks to the effects of schoolyard bullying in my youth on my ability to produce high-motility sperm.
Now if you suspect that you might be in a "That (insert either Bitch or Bastard) is Criminally Insane" relationship, the first thing you need to do is to figure out which of you is criminally insane. This can often be more difficult than it might seem, because if you've gotten involved with a criminally insane individual, you're not exactly chewing a full stick of gum yourself, as they say, and you shouldn't trust anything you think or feel.
The easiest way to find out is to ask. Most people can identify criminal pathology in just about anyone with a single look, provided that it isn't happening in their family. So the next time you're out walking with your spouse and/or significant other, walk up to a total stranger - this works best with people you've never met - and ask them: which of us do you think is criminally insane?" I recommend asking between three to five total strangers before arriving at a firm conclusion. If you seem to be getting mixed responses, then it's time to ask the experts, and of course I mean neighborhood children whom you don't know. It's important to approach them individually if you want an honest evaluation, because children in groups will tend to give you the answer they think will most impress their friends. And because this is a service they're providing for you, it's appropriate to offer them candy, toys or money. But only agree to show them your private parts if they ask nicely and agree not to ridicule you. And if there's any dispute, remember what we learned on CD 3 about the importance of making sure that all parties in a transaction get what they want...unless, of course, one of those parties is a geek, dork, or just plain lame, in which case, you are always right.
Once you've identified the criminally-insane party, it's time to sit down with your spouse and/or significant other and have a frank discussion of the situation. You'll have a lot to discuss at this point, so I recommend that both parties spend some time alone first. Each of you will have a lot of questions you'll want answered when you finally do sit down to discuss the situation.
For example, the person who is NOT criminally insane will want to know things like: How many other spouses and/or significant others has the other party been involved in, how many are still alive or able to feed themselves, and how long did the relationships usually last? The criminally insane party will need to know things like: how loud do you really scream when pain crosses the threshold from extreme to unbearable? What would you like to have done to your remains and/or ashes? And, would you prefer slow and excruciating, or quick and painless?
As with all relationship problems, resolving this conflict to the satisfaction of both parties will involve a lot of compromise and negotiation. Here's a few examples. Where cannibalism is involved, the victim may have the right to insist that at least one large leg bone not be used for soup or stew, but instead be left as a relic for family members to cherish and enjoy. Once the relationship is over, the criminally insane party may not be able to arrange for their own legal defense, so it may be appropriate to insist that the victim works with the aggressor to arrange for legal services before any extreme violence occurs. The aggressor may also want to know how their partner has managed to escape death or dismemberment in prior relationships. It's well-known that victims of violent crime tend to attract this type of behavior, so it's not unreasonable for the criminally-insane half of the relationship to want to know their partner's strengths. This helps them to avoid unnecessary time, effort, and expense in stalking and confining their prey once the time comes to bring the relationship to a climactic end, and this economy of effort will ultimately benefit the estates of both parties.
Once you've ironed out the issues between you, you've arrived at the most critical moment in a "That (insert either Bitch or Bastard) is Criminally Insane" relationship. This is the moment of truth, and if it's not handled correctly, then experts estimate that four out of every five "That (insert either Bitch or Bastard) is Criminally Insane" relationships will end in divorce, separation, or a murder-suicide where it could have been resolved cleanly and to the satisfaction of both parties with just a single murder. This is the moment which I like to call the "pregnant pause", and it occurs in EVERY form of relationship, not just relationships between psychopaths and the mental defectives who love them. If the psychopathic party in the relationship moves too soon or too suddenly, it could panic the victim and result in tragedy. The psychopath could respond with a sense of threat, the relationship could end then and there with a senseless act of passion which shouldn't have occurred for several more months or years. If the victim moves first, the psychopath could sense this as an act of self-will and become confused.
Since neither party in such a relationship is in full control of their faculties, it's critically important that both parties play their role. If you're the victim, be a *good* victim...let the psychopath move first. And if you're the criminally insane person in the relationship, remember to wait just long enough for the other party to regain their sense of security. Remember...it's very important that you nurture your partner's feelings of safety if you want to insure a clean, quick kill at a later date, and doubly important if you want their meat to retain its tenderness and flavor. A good first move is to offer your partner an expensive gift, or a tranquilizer or large quantity of alcohol. Anything that helps your partner to forget about the inevitability of their fate will go a long way to insuring a happy, conflict-free relationship for as long as it lasts.
The files of every relationship counsellor are full of cases in which the criminally-insane party has moved too quickly, victims have actually become aggressors and savagely ended the lives of their criminally-insane partners, disrupting the entire natural flow of the relationship. This usually results in the production of badly-written true-crime books and throwaway miniseries which result in widespread deforestation and the needless pollution of the minds of the viewing public. So do remember to watch for this moment and treat it with the importance it deserves.
Once you've successfully navigated the "pregnant pause", you and your partner are just about home free. But from this moment on, neither of you must ever speak again of this discussion, or the planning which led up to it. This is a sacred commitment between you and your partner and should never be taken lightly. The aggressor may feel free to make idle threats in social situations such as while drinking with strangers or pal-ing around with a parole officer, and the victim should be allowed the occasional expression of inner terror with close friends, but under no circumstances should either of you speak a word of this once you cross the threshold of the family home.
This is especially important when there are children involved. Children of pathological relationships need to learn to refine their observation skills, and develop a high degree of vigilance if they hope to survive to adulthood without criminal records. Obsessive glaring over the dinner table, and moments of terrified silence in uncomfortable situations are learning opportunities for your children. Cherish these moments, because they only come once with any child, and your children will need these memories to be both clear and unconfused when they enter psychotherapy later in life.
I've found that this simple process has helped dozens of couples in "That (insert either Bitch or Bastard) is Criminally Insane" relationships to resolve their differences and make the most of what lives these mutants are capable of having. It even benefits the next generation by making the children of these relationships far less difficult to identify or apprehend when they eventually do turn to lives of crime. So if you're involved in a "That (insert either Bitch or Bastard) is Criminally Insane" relationship, use this simple process as your recipe for contentment. And in the rare circumstance where this process is not effective, remember the advice of former president Ronald Reagan and his wonderful wife Nancy: "Kill 'em all...and let God sort it out."
Announcer: End track one.
