(*)(*) The Expert Guide to ASCII Tits Concept, execution and cremation by Cub Lea Last updated 07/11

>> The Expert Guide to ASCII Cocks >>

ASCII tits were once the exclusive domain of Internet chat, and it appeared late in 2002 that they were doomed to a slow and tragic demise with the dwindling use of Internet text-chat services. But then the Blackberry craze hit Wall Street and in the House of Representatives, and when Apple finally put their logo on a texting cel phone, the revival was confirmed: text rendering was back!

"Sadly, by 2010 the rendering of ASCII tits had become something of a lost art"

Sadly, by this time the rendering of ASCII tits had become something of a lost art, and young people eager to embrace this tradition typically had to learn the ancient techniques from local elders, often under less-than-ideal circumstances...for many young people, just being seen in the company of an elder can sabotage weeks of digilent Facebooking, let alone being seen at the sci-fi conventions, night-school courses and fantasy shops where learned elders typically congregate.

This page was removed from view in 2003 on the mistaken belief that the heyday of the ASCII tit had passed. It now returns to the web with its former companion, The Expert Guide to ASCII Cocks, in all its former glory as a much-needed resource and a definitive reference for anyone interested in learning the craft of rendering accurate and appropriate ASCII tits. Students and historians can find the original text which accompanied this guide below the main chart.

As creator and custodian of the guide, I am also making myself available to conduct training sessions, seminars or presentations on this ancient tradition in an effort to insure that this unique part of our techno-social heritage survives intact to be appreciated by the next generation.

It's a sad fact...most Internet Relay Chat newbies simply don't know how to communicate subtle anatomical concepts. The consequences can be grisly. Witness this recent exchange on the EFNet IRC channel #thunderbutts:

<boinkman> [ . ][ . ]
<CowInABag> there's those square tits again
<boinkman> ;-) * CowInABag hates square tits
<CowInABag> you can cut your cheeks on the corners
* boinkman likes all kind of tits {.}{.}
<CowInABag> oh god NO!!!
<CowInABag> Not the Victorian filigree tits!!!!
<CowInABag> You'll put an eye out!!!!

Note the near-tragic misunderstanding boinkman created here by inappropriate use of ASCII tits. He put the vision of the entire channel at

"Few Internet acts have the potential to cause more damage than the inappropriate or inaccurate rendering of ASCII tits. Please, help us stop the carnage."

risk by not warning them ahead of time of the use of square or filigreed ASCII tits. The effects could have been catastrophic, had it not been for CowInABag's alert warning to the rest of the channel.

Sadly, this is far from an isolated incident. Chat and e-mail newbies often experiment indiscriminately with ASCII tits before acquiring a proper understanding of their correct rendering, potential side effects, hazard quotient or political correctness index. Entire networks could be placed at risk from a single inappropriate ASCII tit rendering.

All it takes is a single sexual harassment accusation, a minor mastoid accident or an unfortunate translation error to literally bring down an entire forum, and that could take with it the social lives of literally thousands of shut-ins, social misfits, agoraphobics and would-be postal workers. The consequences are grisly indeed. Researchers have long known that the loss of this essential social outlet often results in bored geeks starting useless dot-cons and snot-coms, turning disaffected women into Clio-award-winning ad copy writers, and worst of all, the wholesale degradation of entire groups of horny adolescent males into pr0n webmasters. When this happens, we all lose.

A few alert IRC users have recognized the potential for tragedy. Shortly after the "boinkman incident" shown above, a group of devoted IRC veterans who shall remain dateless decided that this situation had to be remedied for the safety of IRC users everywhere. Over the next several hours, this group worked lustlessly to create this definitive guide to the safe rendering and use of ASCII tits. This page is the result of the efforts of these unsung heroes, and the creators encourage everyone to copy and mirror its contents wherever IRC users and Three's Company fans may gather.

cublea.net would like to thank Dozette, globule, Fleetwurst, knothed and others on EFNet's #snuffmp3s and DALNET's #lamer_rehabilitation channels for suggestions, clarification and authoritative reference.

Finally, the creators ask everyone to remember that ASCII tits are not a "game", a "joke" or an act of degradation...they're an act of worship. Kneel at the altar regularly.