8=======Þ The Expert Guide to ASCII Cocks Conceived and aborted by Cub Lea Last updated 07/11

>> The Expert Guide to ASCII Tits >>

ASCII tits were once a mainstay of Internet chat; ASCII cocks were considered a less refined mode of expression confined primarily to forums and chat services used primarily by young males and ambitious MBA's. The Blackberry craze which began on Wall Street and the House of Representatives and spread to preferred loitering spots throughout North America revived the lost art of text communication, and with it, the subtle craft of text rendering of ASCII tits.

Regrettably, the ASCII tit revival has not been accompanied by an equal interest in the expressive rendering of ASCII cocks. Although I don't pretend to know why this has occurred, it seems likely that history will eventually blame President Obama.

"The ASCII tit revival has not been accompanied by an equal interest in ASCII cocks. I don't pretend to know why, but it seems likely that history will eventually blame President Obama."

I deplore the loss of culture in any form. And while I can't singlehandedly revive the use of ASCII cocks as a common method of expressing emotions, I can make this information available for those wishing to learn the tradition, or simply to those interested in how males refered to themselves and each other in pre-9/11 cyberspace.

This page was removed from view in 2003 on the mistaken belief that the heyday of the ASCII cock had passed. It now returns to the web with its former companion, The Expert Guide to ASCII Tits, in all its former glory. Students and historians can find the original text which accompanied this guide below the main chart.

I'm available through the contact link above to act as spokesperson and media contact for the ASCII cock tradition, and I'm available for expenses plus honorarium to speak about the craft of ASCII cock rendering to meetings, conventions, schools and community groups.

"It's well known that improper rendering of ASCII tits is a serious problem. If we're not careful, this could spread to cocks...with disastrous results. Don't forget...those things can explode in your face!"

The following guide lists appropriate renderings and usages of ASCII cocks. Save or print a copy of this page as a handy reference for safer, more trouble-free IRC chat.

The misuse or improper rendering of ASCII cocks doesn't currently pose nearly the problem that ASCII tits have traditionally presented. There are many reasons for that but perhaps the only reason worth mentioning here is the visibility gap. While cocks are arguably longer in one dimension than tits, they simply can't match tits for width, depth, weight and visibility. Cocks are not typically close to eye level in everyday life.

But then, tits don't explode, either.

We cannot understate the importance of extreme caution when using ASCII cocks. Some are so volatile that they will explode on the slightest contact, resulting in massive carnage to an IRC channel not to mention one hell of a mess for the ops to clean up.

Immediately upon completing the Expert Guide to ASCII Tits, the backlash flooded in, swiftly and strongly. We'd plugged a huge hole in the IRC safety net by providing this vital information, but another hole was revealed, a smaller one to be sure (although many claim it's a lot larger when it isn't cold) but a hole nonetheless. Witness this exchange on the EFNet IRC channel #thunderbutts:

<RudderLes> saw yer cru's page on asciitits cow. wheres the cockz page.
<CowInABag> what do you mean>
<RudderLes> no cockz!!!!!
<CowInABag> ???
<RudderLes> u only solved half the problem. thrz 2 many ppl think they can do ascii cockz an they cant an u ar not doing balanced reporing. * CowInABag bows his head in shame
<CowInABag> It's true... *sob* it's true Les...I love tits so much I forgot about this. Has anyone been hurt yet?
<RudderLes> lucky for you, no. if ne1 had bin fukd up by ur page i wd have called em a lawyer myself you inconsiderate bastard
<Meewee> He's got a point, CowInABag. When you think about it, ASCII cocks done wrong have much more potential for social problems and emotional damage than ASCII tits. My roommate is a FLAMING feminist (read chicknazi) and she'd cut off your stones if she saw that page.
<CowInABag> Should we get the crew together, Meewee?
<Meewee> Yup :-)) Besides I'm MUCH better at cocks than tits ;-)))
<boinkman> Any cock longer than 5" doesnt exist. I keep telling my gf that.
<Meewee> <gulp> you see that, CowInABag? ^^^ That's why we have to fix the ASCII cocks problem

A few alert IRC users have recognized the potential for tragedy. Shortly after the ASCII tits guide was released, a near-disaster on Undernet's #icons_of_porn_banners channel was brought to our attention, and a civil suit was narrowly avoided by the hasty and diligent efforts of those who assembled this page. Those devoted IRC veterans, who shall remain dateless, put in a long and arduous shift to generate this definitive guide to help insure that such an incident can never happen again...or if it can, that I won't be sued for it. The creators encourage everyone to copy and mirror its contents wherever IRC users and John Holmes fans may gather.

cublea.net would like to thank Dozette, globule, Fleetwurst, knothed and others on EFNet's #snuffmp3s and DALNET's #lamer_rehabilitation channels for suggestions, clarification and authoritative reference.

Finally, the creators ask everyone to remember that ASCII cocks are not a "game", a "joke" or an act of degradation...they're an act of worship. Kneel at the altar regularly...if you're so inclined.