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(bee·too·BEE). adj. acr. Business To Business. Descriptive of transactions conducted between businesses rather than between business and customer; a common means of adding cost or complexity without adding value.
(bee·too·bee·too·SEE). adj. acr. Business To Business To Client 1. Descriptive of transactions conducted by businesses with consumers through an intermediate business as a means of shielding the primary producer from complaints and refund requests. 2. Synonymous with whole·sal·ing, used where a producing firm cannot justify its retail price without increasing distribution chain complexity.
(bee·too·SEE). adj. acr. Business To Client 1. Distribution scheme in which products or services are sold by a business directly to the consumer in a manner that eliminates the wholesaler but not the wholesaler's markup. syn. re·tail (to penetrate repeatedly from the rear), used when it is desirable to obscure the meaning of that term.
(BAY·bee bil). n. phr. 1. An executive whose managerial or entrepreneurial style or technique closely resembles that of Bill Gates; identifiable by a tendency to handle customer complaints and problem reports with feeable upgrades to the product or service. 2. From the proposed Microsoft break-up, a wholly independent division of a very large company; a venture which may appear small and harmless but which retains the lethal characteristics of larger ventures by virtue of its predatory lineage. 3. A product of recombinant accountancy which results in self-replicating invoices; e.g. a bill for costs incurred in invoicing for prior invoices.
(BAK·chan·nul). n. 1. An individual in a position of minimal responsibility who knows enough about their company to command a management-level income either from the company itself or through the sale of their knowledge to media and financial institutions. 2. A human conduit or surrogate designed to extend the reach of executive knives used for back-stabbing.
(BAK·ruh·nihm). n. An acronym which is an actual word; typically the result of an exhaustive exercise which produces a phrase and a word/acronym combination which equally obscure the meaning of whatever the phrase and word/acronym actually denote.
(BAWLZ·owt) adj. 1. Excessively masculine and aggressive; intent on achievement of a goal but improperly attired for its achievement. 2. Unpretentious display of a tender target for a knee or swift kick.
(BAM·bee). n. 1. A flack with deer-in-the-headlights syndrome; a spokesperson or media liaison prone to freezing up in front of television cameras or scrums of reporters. 2. A flack or spokesperson who responds to intelligent questions with jibberish instead of doublespeak. 3. A flack-in-training who has not yet been lobotomized.
(buh·NA·nuh prawb·lum). n. phr. A pattern of repetitive behavior which is incapable of being stopped, or which offers the illusion of success if repeated beyond reasonable limits, e.g. pyramid schemes, national defense, infrastructure upgrading. etym. From teaching lore: "I know how to spell banana...I just don't know when to stop".
(BAN·nur pihmp) n. phr. 1. Individual who profits by luring innocent Internet newcomers into selling or renting the bodies of their personal web sites (a profession referred to as bor·ing) for the pleasure and benefit of advertiser-clients (yawns).
(BAN·nur·wayr) n. 1. Software which uses part of its screen space to display a banner or advertisement for a product or service which no user of such software wants or needs. 2. Software whose primary purpose is the advertisement of its publisher's brand, and which is consumed by individuals capable of believing that this is a useful function for a piece of software.
(BARF·mayl). n. A repulsive form of projectile e-mail, usually consisting of an odorous mixture of regurgitated spam.
(barf·oh·JEN·uh·sis). n. Syndrome marked by vertigo and nausea which afflicts novice users of virtual reality headsets who have had insufficient prior exposure to music videos.
(BAR·nee) n. colloq. Something big, irritating, outdated and inescapable, and which grows moreso with prolonged exposure. etym. from Barney the Dinosaur, the purple-suited television character who authored the original product specification for Microsoft Windows 95.
(BAT·mow·beel·ihng). v. 1. The act of shielding oneself behind a phalanx of lawyers and therapists in the presence of evidence of one's incompetence. 2. The creation of sensory barriers to outside contact (loud music, sharp items strewn about the floor, a secretarial phalanx, etc.) as an aid to repelling distraction and human contact when focused on a creative or technical problem. etym. From the shield used on the Batmobile; the series of clanks made when it forms is a metaphor for the sound of doors closing behind an individual who engages in this behavior.
(BEEP·uh·lep·sy) n. A transient condition affecting users of wireless devices that give off vibrating alarms, in which the owner/wearer suffers a brief seizure upon sensing the alarm. The severity of the illness is, ironically, directly proportional to one's comfort with electronic devices as the symptoms are typically most pronounced in those least likely to be touched by something capable of independent movement.
(bee·FOWR·math). n. 1. The period of time before an event in which blame is assigned. 2. The period of time before an event in which preparations are made for an outcome which has no possibility of occurring. 3. The period of time in which one damn well should have known what was going to happen.
(bee·HAF·izm). n. 1. Speaking for, or alleging to speak for, an individual or organization which would prefer to see you dead. 2. Habitual misquoting or misrepresentation of an individual or organization without the knowledge of their lawyers.
(BAY·tuh·maks). v. 1. The act of coercing a higher-quality product or standard out of the marketplace by continually bludgeoning consumer sensibilities until the competitor agrees to capitulate in order to stop further violence. 2. The act of willfully depriving the public of a superior product or service based on research indicating that its consumers do not deserve it. etym. From the 1980s competition in the marketplace of the winning party in World War II for dominance between a costly, limited-length consumer video standard developed by a losing party in World War II and a bulky, low-quality standard developed by the other losing party in World War II.
(bib·lee·oh·THAYR·uh·pee). n. 1. An economical form of self-treatment in which therapy is sought from books written by individuals with dubious credentials rather than obtained directly from professionals with obsolete skills. 2. A method of acquiring harmful treatment for a disorder which conveniently bypasses both therapist and litigation attorney.
(bil·bowrd lib·ur·AY·shun). n. phr. The act of defacing a billboard, either to change the nature of its message or to deprive its message of the power to reproduce.
(BY·nuh·ree prawb·lum). n. phr. 1. A conflict defined in terms of two conflicting factions whose lawyers agree that neither party has paid a sufficient amount to merit a resolution. 2. A problem for which the only two possible solutions are both wrong.
(BY·oh·dee·zul). n. A fuel for diesel engines made from waste restaurant grease and the rendered fat from discarded dot-com workers. rel. call cen·ter, buck·et shop: A holding facility used to warehouse dot-com workers destined for biodiesel rendering plants.
(by·oh·NAWM·iks). n. An economic theory based on the observation that men's economic behavior patterns are primarily dictated by their hormones and that women's economic behavior patterns are primarily dictated by the degree to which men to follow their hormonal imperatives.
(blak·BUK·a·bull) adj. 1. Descriptive of something deemed worthy of inclusion in a private record which does not exist but which can nonetheless be subpoenaed as evidence in civil and criminal courts. 2. Dark and personal information, usually deemed to be of high value to the possessor esp. during negotiations.
(BLAD·ur danss). n. A rhythmic, involuntary shifting in one's seat necessitated by urinary urgency. hist First used to describe a behavior witnessed in individuals awaiting the completion of an eagerly-anticipated download. also piss dance
(BLAYM·storm). v. To engage in or organize shared assignment of culpability for a real or imagined problem, usually to a person or thing who does not deserve it. n. Workplace weather condition typified by flurries of fault-finding or groundless responsibility assignment, usually accompanied by heavy mental clouding and showers of deprecation.
(BLAN·dur). n. 1. A corporate appliance constructed for the purpose of filtering taste, color and nutritional content from marketing and product design and whipping the remainder into homogenized, easily-digestible forms. 2. A bureaucratic communications processor designed to filter corporate communications of common contaminants such as meaning and content.
(blee·dung EDJ) adj. phr. 1. The edge of a page, beyond which is printed all of its most useful information. 2. Technological forefront; point on the technology adoption curve at which investors are first drained of vital fluids. 3. A minor injury produced by a web page cut.
(BLECH·ur·iss) adj. 1. Sickening; nauseating; repulsive even to the producer. 2. Of exceptionally poor quality etym. From the sound made by moldy pizza as it is regurgitated by an overworked programmer. Syn. barf·u·lous
(BLAWB·jikt). n. 1. An object designed to conform to natural curves dictated by the laws of gravity and aerodynamics e.g. the Volkswagen Beetle, designed in the shape of a normal car which has melted in the sun. 2. A rounded object of indeterminate size and proportions e.g. a projected cost.
(bloo·BUK·a·bull) adj. 1. Worthy of inclusion in a definitive reference available only to those who have no use for it. 2. Capable of being assigned a published cash value representing several times the cost that anyone will actually pay.
(blurb·uh·fuh·KAY·shun). n. 1. Compression of rich information into dangerous generalizations as a means of inciting alcohol consumption or avoiding payment of copyright royalties. 2. The condensation of long, incomprehensible statements into short, meaningless phrases. syn. fast brain food
(BAW·dee·shawp·ur). n. phr. A Third World contracting agent who assists impoverished programmers and data processing workers living in underdeveloped regions to become impoverished programmers and data processing workers living in developed regions.
(BOHG·gram·ung) n. 1. "Bogus programming"; the act of creation of software intended for the consumer market. 2. The act of coding in Visual Basic, Lingo or ASP.
(buk·END·uh·bull) adj. 1. Worthless but well-wrapped; descriptive of something whose package is worth more than its contents. 2. Descriptive of a product or service sellable using promotions of dubious value and supportable by benefits which disguise its fundamental worthlessness.
(BWUK·mark). v. 1. To make a mental note of something in a manner which makes it difficult to remember and impossible to recover or reuse in another application. 2. To add a meaningless item to an equally-meaningless list. etym. From the act of adding addresses to a web browser's favorites list for the purpose of proving that one's Internet activity involves more than downloading pornography and illegal music.
(BOOM·ur·ayng). n. 1. An employee who is laid off or fired for inefficiency only to be rehired as a means of addressing the greater inefficiency of their replacement. 2. An employee who quits a job and returns to seek their former position from a new employer or manager who is not yet aware of their incompetence. 3. An employee who is "loved by the employer enough to be set free" and later returns to the original employer for the sole purpose of terminating the individual who originally fired them. syn. fore·head dent·er, buzz·saw fris·bee
(BOOM·say·uhr) n. 1. A relentless bull; a pundit who unfailingly predicts good economic times after discovering that making honest predictions adversely affects their income.
(boh·ZOT·ik) adj. 1. Resembling a clown or buffoon, as opposed to id·i·ot·ic (resembling a moron). alt. sp. bez·ot·ic etym. obscure origin, either from Bo·zo, name of a clown from children's television whose appearance, behavior and style of laughter closely resembles that of many IT CEOs, or from the American be·zos, to bumble with such expertise that one's capacity for conquest is obscured.
(BRAYN·fahrt) n. 1. Odorous emission from a creative mind bloated with its own self-importance. 2. A creative notion which stinks to everyone but its creator. 3. Intestinal gas emitted orally.
(braynz awn uh STIK) n. phr. An individual possessed of an intelligence so vast that all traces of personality must be discarded to accommodate it. Euphemism for the ideal IT worker.
(BRAND·skayp) n. 1. Expanse of commercial scenery defined by logotype landmarks. 2. Visual representation of the natural environment, topology or ground cover of corporate states. syn. cash·phalt
(BRAND·duk·ing). n. The practice of covering up brand identification markings on products with electrician's tape or duct tape; common practice among public figures in high tech circles who resent the fact that top computing professionals still cannot get endorsement deals. etym. from Duck, a brand of duct tape named for the defensive action one takes when a roll of it is hurled in one's direction. Also brand black·ing, black-tap·ing
(BRAND·wag·un) n. 1. Shared consciousness of, or belief in, the power of a preferred brand to beat the crap out of competitive brands in this year's playoffs. 2. Large vehicle, typically disguised as a tour bus, designed for mass transport of rebellious consumers to trade shows, superstores and other rehabilitation centers.
(BRAND·width) n. 1. Measure of the ability of a marketer or advertiser to fill the capacity of a medium with sufficient data to block other transmissions. 2. The measure of remaining brainwave activity in consumer consciousness.
(brix·und·MOR·tur) adj. phr. 1. Refers to a company, either a retailer or service provider, whose business is, or has been, conducted primarily through physical storefronts; or the salvage value of such a company. 2. The ammunition and weaponry used by old-guard companies against Internet upstarts. syn. BAM, derived from the sound a pure-play Internet company makes when knocked over by a brick launched from an old-guard company's mortar.
(BRYD·band) n. New network capacity, so named for its beauty and lack of capability or practical value. adj. Descriptive of new network capacity which appears willing to perform to expectations but which requires coddling, persuasion, or the purchase of expensive accessories before those expectations are actually met.
(BRYT·syz·ing) n. Payroll reduction technique involving the layoff or firing of employees with the most intelligence, training, and capacity to outperform existing management.
(BUB·ul val·yoo) n. phr. 1. The highest possible value of a stock before it falls irrevocably to worthlessness. 2. That cited by investor relations flacks as the real value of a stock.
(bub·AWK·ruh·see) n. 1. Management or administration by, or a hierarchy governed by, unintelligent, uncultured rubes, not necessarily of Southeastern American origin but owing substantially to that cultural heritage. syn. clinton team rel. billybobbing v. The act of establishing a bubbocracy for the purpose of getting drunk and laying some whoop-ass on a competing technocracy.
(BUK·it shawp). n. phr. An investment firm which accepts stock orders but doesn't actually process the orders through an exchange; an illegal investment alternative which permits the client to lose all of their money immediately, thus preventing the prolonged anxiety of losing all of their money legitimately.
(bunz uv STEEL). n. phr. A common condition among IT workers marked by calcification of the gluteal muscles from extended periods seated in meetings or before a computer terminal. The cracking sounds heard when these individuals stand is not, as is widely believed, the sound of shifting meniscus fluid in the joints, but of calcium deposits shattering from released pressure; likewise the jingling sound heard when they walk is produced not by the movement of coins in the pocket, but by dislodged gluteal calcite fragments banging together.
(bayr·eed SHUV·ul). n. phr. 1. A tool or resource which can only be accessed by performing the task which said tool or resource is designed to perform, e.g. a purchase price which can only be discovered after purchasing, CD drives whose installation instructions are provided on a CD. syn. tail-eat·er, zen·ware
(BYOO·roh·kramp). n. 1. The temporary structural injury which occurs in organizations which streamline middle management; produced when management's incompetence at slacking off meets labor's incompetence at setting unachievable targets. 2. A condition of involuntary clenching of the facial muscles which results from prolonged exposure of the lips to the outer gluteal skin of management or repeated blows to the head by production-level shoe leather. syn. AK-86ed
(BIZ·nus·krat). n. 1. A politician affiliated with the US' Democratic Party who professes socially liberal beliefs and practices fiscally conservative politics, thus alienating both core constituencies at once. 2. An individual aligned with, but not necessarily part of, the US' Democratic Party who believes that private enterprise is more capable of creative and efficient waste than government bureaucracy. syn. un·hip·o·crite, Dar·win so·cial·ist
(BIZ·nus maw·dul pat·ent). n. phr. 1. A protection and claiming mechanism intended to provide an individual or organization with the sole right to conduct business using its chief competitors' methods. 2. An exclusive legal franchise used to charge other businesses for the right to fail.
(by·PO·lur) adj. 1. Susceptible to being sold what one is told to buy, but not lacking the capacity to immediately return it for refund. 2. Descriptive of an individual who must be asked for payment as soon as the close is sensed.
(buz·wurd kum·PLY·unt). adj. 1. Descriptive of spinnish or bumfodder jargon-filthy enough to bambi an alpha flack capable of kludging recycle-ready lazyware. 2. A concept, product or service so ephemeral that it can only be adequately described using words which do not yet exist.
(by·thuh·DRINK) adj. phr. Products or services, esp. Internet content or data, sold in units of a size slightly smaller than that typically required for normal use. Often improperly applied in new-economy entertaining in place of "buy the drink", which is a term never used in Internet circles; drinks are always bought either by the individual seeking the favor, or the party with the highest net worth, or in the event of a tie, by whichever party has the poorer-quality soft drugs.
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