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(AD·kreep). n. 1. The natural tendency of advertising to grow in barren regions fertilized with judicious amounts of money; e.g. car doors, buildings, rest rooms, human skin. 2. The infestation of a formerly ad-free website with advertising, or the growth of advertising on a website. Usually traceable to a clinical deficiency of altruism, taste or shame in the site's owner.
(ad·HOK·ruh·see) n. Bureaucratic structure consisting of individuals who were either chosen at random, hired while the employer was intoxicated, selected by friends and family, or required as a condition of an early investor. etym. Derived from the sequence of sounds created by a) phlegm as it is expelled from the throat, b) cursed by its former owner, and finally, c) scrubbed from the window on which it landed.
(ad·ver·TAYN·munt). n. Advertising produced for entertainment or amusement, typically as a means of concealing the nature of the content as advertising (e.g. Hollywood movies, situation comedies, CNN, Fox channels) or providing charitable employment to skilled creative workers.
(AFT·kast) v. To incorrectly project or predict that which has already occurred. syn. back-projection
(ad·MIN·uh·sfeer) n. Celestial region inhabited by bureaucrats and other lesser demons. 2. Thin atmospheric layer between the top of the primary elevator shafts and the penthouse where pollutants accumulate and form a permanent toxic haze. syn. sev·enth cir·cle of help
(AD·ver·tek·chur). n. Commercialization of architectural esthetics. Typically involves integration of logotype elements into a structure's core design on the assumption that the resulting increase in brand identifiability will eventually attract a higher caliber of bankruptcy attorney.
(ad·ver·TOR·ee·ul). n. 1. Commentary or opinion produced or co-produced by a paid sponsor whose tastelessness equals or exceeds the commentator's debts. 2. Editorial content paid for by a sponsor, as opposed to editorial content produced in hopes of being paid for by a sponsor. 3. The most widely-used cure for poverty among journalists.
(af·fek·tiv kum·PYOOT·ing). n. 1. The application of mood- or emotion-sensing technology in the production of computer output less rational than the end-user input. 2. Software design technique which produces answers of equal stupidity to input questions.
(af·loo·ENZ·uh). n. Infectious disease characterized by increased levels of materialism, debt poisoning, feverish optimism and elevated self-importance. Treatable through reduced consumption of solid goods, plenty of liquidity, and extended head rest. Extreme cases may require credit surgery. Typically spread by word of mouth and worsened by exposure to broadcast radiation.
(ag·ress·AWK·riss·ee). n. 1. Social sphere or group consisting of or dominated by predatory or conquest-oriented individuals. hist. Aggressocratic hierarchies were once structured by penis length; a widespread typographical error traced to the early 1970s resulted in the eventual restructuring of all such hierarchies by meanness strength. 2. Social structure or society in which the creamed sinks to the bottom.
(ag·ruh·MAY·shun). n. 1. The application of robotics and high-tech machinery to the farming industry to the production of fiber, alcohol and other products required to feed robots and high-tech machinery. 2. The industrial conversion of family farmers into raw, unskilled labor.
(AYR·howzd) adj. 1. Stored in an ineffable location, such as a firm's Pitcairn Island branch or "in transit". 2. Stored in an unknown location, most likely the proprietor's basement.
(awl·tur·RAYN) adj. 1. Proven adaptable any operating condition within 30 days of the condition's disappearance. 2. Capable of withstanding any field conditions except those for which the product or service was originally designed.
(AL·fuh·geek). n. phr. 1. The dominant individual in a technologically-oriented group; the individual with the greatest technological prowess; gender is both unimportant for this role and, in fact, is frequently indeterminate. 2. An individual possessing traits of superior mental adaptability but lacking the physical attractiveness to reproduce.
(AM·uh·zawnd) adj. 1. Having had one's industry dominated or overtaken by a dot-com upstart or a first-entrant into online sales of one's products or services. 2. Having had one's online innocence taken by a first-entrant. am·a·zon·ized
(an·ACK·ruh·nim) adj. 1. Word formed from the initial letters of a name for something that no longer exists (e.g. EHW: eight-hour workday); anachronistic acronym. 2. Acronym which has passes into common usage as a word after the meaning of its letters is forgotten (e.g. fudge: fear, uncertainty, doubt, and general error).
(AYN·jul). n. 1. Individual identified by a start-up venture as sufficiently gullible, greedy, innocent or trusting to overlook the inherent catastrophic flaws in a business plan. 2. Wealthy individual willing to invest in start-up ventures as a less morally objectionable alternative to purchasing lottery tickets.
(an·o·tay·tid ree·AL·uh·tee). n. phr. 1. Events experienced with the augmentation of electronic gadgets configured to provide emergency distraction at the first sign of human interaction. 2. Real life with online help.
(an·tih·sa·POYNT·munt). n. 1. The hangover produced from having one's lofty expectations exposed to reality. 3. The withdrawal sensation experienced by high-tech workers upon completion of deprogramming. 2. The sensation felt from having one's stock options released the day after fourth-quarter earnings are reported.
(an·tee·KLOO·ful). adj. 1. Lacking the brain mass necessary to form a clue, and unwilling to relieve the internal air pressure which prevents its growth. 2. Obstinately resistant to logic or fact, whether by nature, choice or management edict. 3. Sufficiently armed to defend one's position against incoming facts.
(AN·tee·lang·gwidj). n. 1. Lexicon, dialect or terminology used as a means of allowing a small group of like individuals to communicate with each other in a fashion which none of the participants understands but sounds extremely cool to listeners. syn. cam·ou·flang·uage, press state·ment, le·gal stat·ute
(AN·tee·skep·tuk). n. 1. One willing to believe the best about anyone or anything until provided with definitive proof of their gullibility. 2. An individual who clearly needs you to prove that people are not basically honest. syn. ear·ly ad·opt·er
(an·uss EN·vee). n. phr. 1. Lustful desire to possess the cruelty, ignorance or dispassion of someone in a position of power, most commonly one's immediate superior. 2. Primary motivational trait which fuels the competitive instinct in managers and recording industry professionals. 3. Among IT workers, a lustful desire to possess a co-worker's resistance to hemorrhoids.
(ap·luk·ay·shun SURV·iss pruh·vy·dur). n. phr. 1. Company or individual which sells or rents software on a per-use basis. Software of this type is typically hosted on a remote computer as a means of preventing any possible user configuration which may increase productivity. 2. Software publisher or vendor who charges by-the-crash.
(aps·awn·TAP). n. phr. Software delivered on-demand for use over the Internet. The software is rented rather than owned, typically requires the assignment of a "designated manager" to safeguard actual users from the intoxication of its novelty effect and goes flat by the time it arrives on the client's desktop. Consumers typically experience stupor from excessive use and suffer temporary headache and hypersensitivity in its aftermath, an effect often perceived as paradoxical since this form of software is widely believed to be less potent than other forms of software.
(ARM kan·dee). n. phr. 1. An individual of attractive appearance and/or personality employed to accompany an individual to a social event, abandon said individual, and leave the event with someone even less attractive than the individual with whom they arrived. 2. Human jewelry.
(AYR·oh shoo·tur). n. phr. 1. An individual who produces ideas launchable far enough into the future to insure that the consequences become someone else's problem. 2. A rational visionary capable of predicting their own firing.
(ASS·trow·turft) n. 1. An artificial grass-roots movement planted by propaganda machines, fertilized with junk food and petrochemicals, and incapable of being eradicated with any natural pesticide. 2. A non-natural surface or covering, such as a toupée. as·tro·turfed adj. Transformed from something natural, normal and neutral into something artificial, toxic and profitable.
(ay·tranz·ISH·un·ul) adj. 1. Fixed, static, stuck; used primarily when the writer or speaker is paid by the syllable. 2. Giving the appearance of remaining static in the face of pressure to give the appearance of changing.
(at·ten·shun ek·uh·NAWM·iks). n. phr. 1. An economic patterning model that measures the value of information in terms of the capacity of the target market to absorb it without vomiting.
(awt·oh·MAJ·ik·ul·ee). adv. 1. Made to occur in a fashion that the initiator wishes to obscure from the end user. 2. So simple that a child could understand it, and thus incomprehensible to adults. 3. Obvious and simple, but made to appear achievable only through alchemy or black arts, as in "operating system design", "revenue-based business model".
(bee·too·BEE). adj. acr. Business To Business. Descriptive of transactions conducted between businesses rather than between business and customer; a common means of adding cost or complexity without adding value.
(bee·too·bee·too·SEE). adj. acr. Business To Business To Client 1. Descriptive of transactions conducted by businesses with consumers through an intermediate business as a means of shielding the primary producer from complaints and refund requests. 2. Synonymous with whole·sal·ing, used where a producing firm cannot justify its retail price without increasing distribution chain complexity.
(bee·too·SEE). adj. acr. Business To Client 1. Distribution scheme in which products or services are sold by a business directly to the consumer in a manner that eliminates the wholesaler but not the wholesaler's markup. syn. re·tail (to penetrate repeatedly from the rear), used when it is desirable to obscure the meaning of that term.
(BAY·bee bil). n. phr. 1. An executive whose managerial or entrepreneurial style or technique closely resembles that of Bill Gates; identifiable by a tendency to handle customer complaints and problem reports with feeable upgrades to the product or service. 2. From the proposed Microsoft break-up, a wholly independent division of a very large company; a venture which may appear small and harmless but which retains the lethal characteristics of larger ventures by virtue of its predatory lineage. 3. A product of recombinant accountancy which results in self-replicating invoices (e.g. a bill for costs incurred in invoicing for prior invoices).
(BAK·chan·nul). n. 1. An individual in a position of minimal responsibility who knows enough about their company to command a management-level income either from the company itself or through the sale of their knowledge to media and financial institutions. 2. A human conduit or surrogate designed to extend the reach of executive knives used for back-stabbing.
(BAK·ruh·nihm). n. An acronym which is an actual word; typically the result of an exhaustive exercise which produces a phrase and a word/acronym combination which equally obscure the meaning of whatever the phrase and word/acronym actually denote.
(BAWLZ·owt) adj. 1. Excessively masculine and aggressive; intent on achievement of a goal but improperly attired for its achievement. 2. Unpretentious display of a tender target for a knee or swift kick.
(BAM·bee). n. 1. A flack with deer-in-the-headlights syndrome; a spokesperson or media liaison prone to freezing up in front of television cameras or scrums of reporters. 2. A flack or spokesperson who responds to intelligent questions with jibberish instead of doublespeak. 3. A flack-in-training who has not yet been lobotomized.
(buh·NA·nuh prawb·lum). n. phr. A pattern of repetitive behavior which is incapable of being stopped, or which offers the illusion of success if repeated beyond reasonable limits, e.g. pyramid schemes, national defense, infrastructure upgrading. etym. From teaching lore: "I know how to spell banana...I just don't know when to stop".
(BAN·nur pihmp) n. phr. 1. Individual who profits by luring innocent Internet newcomers into selling or renting the bodies of their personal web sites (a profession referred to as bor·ing) for the pleasure and benefit of advertiser-clients (yawns).
(BAN·nur·wayr) n. 1. Software which uses part of its screen space to display a banner or advertisement for a product or service which no user of such software wants or needs. 2. Software whose primary purpose is the advertisement of its publisher's brand, and which is consumed by individuals capable of believing that this is a useful function for a piece of software.
(BARF·mayl). n. A repulsive form of projectile e-mail, usually consisting of an odorous mixture of regurgitated spam.
(barf·oh·JEN·uh·sis). n. Syndrome marked by vertigo and nausea which afflicts novice users of virtual reality headsets who have had insufficient prior exposure to music videos.
(BAR·nee) n. colloq. Something big, irritating, outdated and inescapable, and which grows moreso with prolonged exposure. etym. from Barney the Dinosaur, the purple-suited television character who authored the original product specification for Microsoft Windows 95.
(BAT·mow·beel·ihng). v. 1. The act of shielding oneself behind a phalanx of lawyers and therapists in the presence of evidence of one's incompetence. 2. The creation of sensory barriers to outside contact (loud music, sharp items strewn about the floor, a secretarial phalanx, etc.) as an aid to repelling distraction and human contact when focused on a creative or technical problem. etym. From the shield used on the Batmobile; the series of clanks made when it forms is a metaphor for the sound of doors closing behind an individual who engages in this behavior.
(BEEP·uh·lep·sy) n. A transient condition affecting users of wireless devices that give off vibrating alarms, in which the owner/wearer suffers a brief seizure upon sensing the alarm. The severity of the illness is, ironically, directly proportional to one's comfort with electronic devices as the symptoms are typically most pronounced in those least likely to be touched by something that moves.
(bee·FOWR·math). n. 1. The period of time before an event in which blame is assigned. 2. The period of time before an event in which preparations are made for an outcome which has no possibility of occurring. 3. The period of time in which one damn well should have known what was going to happen.
(bee·HAF·izm). n. 1. Speaking for, or alleging to speak for, an individual or organization which would prefer to see you dead. 2. Habitual misquoting or misrepresentation of an individual or organization without the knowledge of their lawyers.
(BAY·tuh·maks). v. 1. The act of coercing a higher-quality product or standard out of the marketplace by continually bludgeoning consumer sensibilities until the competitor agrees to capitulate in order to stop further violence. 2. The act of willfully depriving the public of a superior product or service based on research indicating that its consumers do not deserve it. etym. From the 1980s competition in the marketplace of the winning party in World War II for dominance between a costly, limited-length consumer video standard developed by a losing party in World War II and a bulky, low-quality standard developed by the other losing party in World War II.
(bib·lee·oh·THAYR·uh·pee). n. 1. An economical form of self-treatment in which therapy is sought from books written by individuals with dubious credentials rather than obtained directly from professionals with obsolete skills. 2. A method of acquiring harmful treatment for a disorder which conveniently bypasses both therapist and litigation attorney.
(bil·bowrd lib·ur·AY·shun). n. phr. The act of defacing a billboard, either to change the nature of its message or to deprive its message of the power to reproduce.
(BY·nuh·ree prawb·lum). n. phr. 1. A conflict defined in terms of two conflicting factions whose lawyers agree that neither party has paid a sufficient amount to merit a resolution. 2. A problem for which the only two possible solutions are both wrong.
(BY·oh·dee·zul). n. A fuel for diesel engines made from waste restaurant grease and the rendered fat from discarded dot-com workers. rel. call cen·ter, buck·et shop: A holding facility used to warehouse dot-com workers destined for biodiesel rendering plants.
(by·oh·NAWM·iks). n. An economic theory based on the observation that men's economic behavior patterns are primarily dictated by their hormones and that women's economic behavior patterns are primarily dictated by the degree to which men to follow their hormonal imperatives.
(blak·BUK·a·bull) adj. 1. Descriptive of something deemed worthy of inclusion in a private record which does not exist but which can nonetheless be subpoenaed as evidence in civil and criminal courts. 2. Dark and personal information, usually deemed to be of high value to the possessor esp. during negotiations.
(BLAD·ur danss). n. A rhythmic, involuntary shifting in one's seat necessitated by urinary urgency. hist First used to describe a behavior witnessed in individuals awaiting the completion of an eagerly-anticipated download. also piss dance
(BLAYM·storm). v. To engage in or organize shared assignment of culpability for a real or imagined problem, usually to a person or thing who does not deserve it. n. Workplace weather condition typified by flurries of fault-finding or groundless responsibility assignment, usually accompanied by heavy mental clouding and showers of deprecation.
(BLAN·dur). n. 1. A corporate appliance constructed for the purpose of filtering taste, color and nutritional content from marketing and product design and whipping the remainder into homogenized, easily-digestible forms. 2. A bureaucratic communications processor designed to filter corporate communications of common contaminants such as meaning and content.
(blee·dung EDJ) adj. phr. 1. The edge of a page, beyond which is printed all of its most useful information. 2. Technological forefront; point on the technology adoption curve at which investors are first drained of vital fluids. 3. A minor injury produced by a web page cut.
(BLECH·ur·iss) adj. 1. Sickening; nauseating; repulsive even to the producer. 2. Of exceptionally poor quality etym. From the sound made by moldy pizza as it is regurgitated by an overworked programmer. Syn. barf·u·lous
(BLAWB·jikt). n. 1. An object designed to conform to natural curves dictated by the laws of gravity and aerodynamics e.g. the Volkswagen Beetle, designed in the shape of a normal car which has melted in the sun. 2. A rounded object of indeterminate size and proportions e.g. a projected cost.
(bloo·BUK·a·bull) adj. 1. Worthy of inclusion in a definitive reference available only to those who have no use for it. 2. Capable of being assigned a published cash value representing a fraction of the cost anyone will actually pay.
(blurb·uh·fuh·KAY·shun). n. 1. Compression of rich information into dangerous generalizations as a means of inciting alcohol consumption or avoiding payment of copyright royalties. 2. The condensation of long, incomprehensible statements into short, meaningless phrases. syn. fast brain food
(BAW·dee·shawp·ur). n. phr. A Third World contracting agent who assists impoverished programmers and data processing workers living in underdeveloped regions to become impoverished programmers and data processing workers living in developed regions.
(BOHG·gram·ung) n. 1. "Bogus programming"; the act of creation of software intended for the consumer market. 2. The act of coding in Visual Basic, Lingo or ASP.
(buk·END·uh·bull) adj. 1. Worthless but well-wrapped; descriptive of something whose package is worth more than its contents. 2. Descriptive of a product or service sellable using promotions of dubious value and supportable by benefits which disguise its fundamental worthlessness.
(BWUK·mark). v. 1. To make a mental note of something in a manner which makes it difficult to remember and impossible to recover or reuse in another application. 2. To add a meaningless item to an equally-meaningless list. etym. From the act of adding addresses to a web browser's favorites list for the purpose of proving that one's Internet activity involves more than downloading pornography and illegal music.
(BOOM·ur·ayng). n. 1. An employee who is laid off or fired for inefficiency only to be rehired as a means of addressing the greater inefficiency of their replacement. 2. An employee who quits a job and returns to seek their former position from a new employer or manager who is not yet aware of their incompetence. 3. An employee who is "loved by the employer enough to be set free" and later returns to the original employer for the sole purpose of terminating the individual who originally fired them. syn. fore·head dent·er, buzz·saw fris·bee
(BOOM·say·uhr) n. 1. A relentless bull; a pundit who unfailingly predicts good economic times after discovering that making honest predictions adversely affects their income.
(boh·ZOT·ik) adj. 1. Resembling a clown or buffoon, as opposed to id·i·ot·ic (resembling a moron). alt. sp. bez·ot·ic etym. obscure origin, either from Bo·zo, name of a clown from children's television whose appearance, behavior and style of laughter closely resembles that of many IT CEOs, or from the American be·zos, to bumble with such expertise that one's capacity for conquest is obscured.
(BRAYN·fahrt) n. 1. Odorous emission from a creative mind bloated with its own self-importance. 2. A creative notion which stinks to everyone but its creator. 3. Intestinal gas emitted orally.
(braynz awn uh STIK) n. phr. An individual possessed of an intelligence so vast that all traces of personality must be discarded to accommodate it. Euphemism for the ideal IT worker.
(BRAND·skayp) n. 1. Expanse of commercial scenery defined by logotype landmarks. 2. Visual representation of the natural environment, topology or ground cover of corporate states. syn. cash·phalt
(BRAND·duk·ing). n. The practice of covering up brand identification markings on products with electrician's tape or duct tape; common practice among public figures in high tech circles who resent the fact that top computing professionals still cannot get endorsement deals. etym. from Duck, a brand of duct tape named for the defensive action one takes when a roll of it is hurled in one's direction. Also brand black·ing
(BRAND·wag·un) n. 1. Shared consciousness of, or belief in, the power of a preferred brand to beat the crap out of competitive brands in this year's playoffs. 2. Large vehicle, typically disguised as a tour bus, designed for mass transport of rebellious consumers to trade shows, superstores and other rehabilitation centers.
(BRAND·width) n. 1. Measure of the ability of a marketer or advertiser to fill the capacity of a medium with sufficient data to block other transmissions. 2. The measure of remaining brainwave activity in consumer consciousness.
(brix·und·MOR·tur) adj. phr. 1. Refers to a company, either a retailer or service provider, whose business is, or has been, conducted primarily through physical storefronts; or the salvage value of such a company. 2. The ammunition and weaponry used by old-guard companies against Internet upstarts. syn. BAM, derived from the sound a pure-play Internet company makes when knocked over by a brick launched from an old-guard company's mortar.
(BRYD·band) n. New network capacity, so named for its beauty and lack of capability or practical value. adj. Descriptive of new network capacity which appears willing to perform to expectations but which requires coddling, persuasion, or the purchase of expensive accessories before those expectations are actually met.
(BRYT·syz·ing) n. Payroll reduction technique involving the layoff or firing of employees with the most intelligence, training, and capacity to outperform existing management.
(BUB·ul val·yoo) n. phr. 1. The highest possible value of a stock before it falls irrevocably to worthlessness. 2. That cited by investor relations flacks as the real value of a stock.
(bub·AWK·ruh·see) n. 1. Management or administration by, or a hierarchy governed by, unintelligent, uncultured rubes, not necessarily of Southeastern American origin but owing substantially to that cultural heritage. syn. clinton team rel. billybobbing v. The act of establishing a bubbocracy for the purpose of getting drunk and laying some whoop-ass on a competing technocracy.
(BUK·it shawp). n. phr. An investment firm which accepts stock orders but doesn't actually process the orders through an exchange; an illegal investment alternative which permits the client to lose all of their money immediately, thus preventing the prolonged anxiety of losing all of their money legitimately.
(bunz uv STEEL). n. phr. A common condition among IT workers marked by calcification of the gluteal muscles from extended periods seated in meetings or before a computer terminal. The cracking sounds heard when these individuals stand is not, as is widely believed, the sound of shifting meniscus fluid in the joints, but of calcium deposits shattering from released pressure; likewise the jingling sound heard when they walk is produced not by the movement of coins in the pocket, but by dislodged gluteal calcite fragments banging together.
(bayr·eed SHUV·ul). n. phr. 1. A tool or resource which can only be accessed by performing the task which said tool or resource is designed to perform; e.g. a purchase price which can only be discovered after purchasing, CD drives whose installation instructions are provided on a CD. syn. tail-eat·er, zen·ware
(BYOO·roh·kramp). n. 1. The temporary structural injury which occurs in organizations which streamline middle management; produced when management's incompetence at slacking off meets labor's incompetence at setting unachievable targets. 2. A condition of involuntary clenching of the facial muscles which results from either prolonged exposure of the lips to the outer gluteal skin of management or repeated blows to the head by production-level shoe leather. syn. AK-86ed
(BIZ·nus·krat). n. 1. A politician affiliated with the US' Democratic Party who professes socially liberal beliefs and practices fiscally conservative politics, thus alienating both core constituencies simultaneously. 2. An individual aligned with, but not necessarily part of, the US' Democratic Party who believes that private enterprise can produce waste and excess more efficiently than government bureaucracy. syn. un·hip·o·crite, Dar·win so·cial·ist
(BIZ·nus maw·dul pat·ent). n. phr. 1. A protection and claiming mechanism intended to provide an individual or organization with the sole right to conduct business using its chief competitors' methods. 2. An exclusive legal franchise used to charge other businesses for the right to fail.
(by·PO·lur) adj. 1. Susceptible to being sold what one is told to buy, but not lacking the capacity to immediately return it for refund. 2. Descriptive of an individual who must be asked for payment as soon as the close is sensed.
(buz·wurd kum·PLY·unt). adj. 1. Descriptive of spinnish or bumfodder jargon-filthy enough to bambi an alpha flack capable of kludging recycle-ready lazyware. 2. A concept, product or service so ephemeral that it can only be adequately described using words which do not yet exist.
(by·thuh·DRINK) adj. phr. Products or services, esp. Internet content or data, sold in units of a size slightly smaller than that typically required for satisfactory use. Often improperly applied in new-economy entertaining in place of "buy the drink", which is a term never used in Internet circles; drinks are always bought either by the individual seeking the favor, or the party with the highest net worth, or in the event of a draw, by whichever party has the poorer-quality soft drugs.
(see·too·bee·too·SEE). adj. acr. Client To Business To Client. 1. A business model which uses a business as an intermediary for sales between two consumers; analogous to employing an estate agent to act as checkout clerk at a garage sale. 2. A means of conducting transactions between two consumers who lack mutual trust, in which both buyer and seller protect each other by employing a neutral third party to determines which of them will be ripped off.
(ca·shay·too·KLEE·shay). adj. phr. 1. Process by which a phrase or concept progresses from being despised by a select few to being despised by an entire culture. 2. The natural growth process of a buzzword or pop culture concept; paradoxically, also its natural decay process.
(KAYR·wayr). n. Software which requires payment of a license fee not to the author or publisher, but to a cause or charity whose mandate is persecution of individuals such as the licensee.
(cash·EER). v. To fire or terminate an employee. etym. From the traditional retail post-firing ritual of emptying one's pockets in the presence of a company cashier for the purpose of recovering cash and office supplies stolen by the employee in anticipation of being fired.
(kuh·SEE·no·kul·chur). v. To grow a business or venture by attracting agents, employees and clients through the use of reimbursement schemes based on gaming principles derived from dot-com employment. rel. casino culture n. 1. A business or employment model in which a wage scale is replaced with a roulette wheel (i.e. stock options). 2. Social environment in which one's ability to rise beyond subsistence is dependent solely on one's effectiveness at bribing the allegorical equivalent of the croupier.
(kass·turz UP) adj. 1. Asleep, laid off, injured, suffering from equipment failure, or otherwise engaged in creative problem-solving. 2. Of a device or person, dead from overwork.
(kaz·yoo·ul·y·ZAY·shun). n. 1. Relaxation of workplace dress codes; ostensibly a surreptitious technique for allowing management to more easily infiltrate and spy upon workers. 2. Conversion from the use of full-time employees to employment of casual labor for the same tasks; a means of enhancing the efficiency of the termination process.
(KAT·skan·ung). n. 1. archaic Channel-surfing during television commercials as a means of finding more entertaining programming. 2. common Channel-surfing during television programming as a means of finding more entertaining commercials. etym. Com·merc·ial A·void·ance and Ter·min·a·tion
(SEE·ling art) n. phr. 1. The psychedelic patterns and designs hallucinated by creative workers, typically caused by staring for prolonged periods at a blank wall or ceiling while straining to overhear theft-worthy ideas in adjacent cubicles. 2. A visual concept or representation which is attractive only when one is flat on one's back and unable to compare it to anything else.
(KLEE·vur·uj) n. 1. Of an individual, one's capacity to exert influence through sexual suasion. 2. Of a venture, a measure of indebtedness approaching the point where said venture splits apart at the seams. 3. Extreme indebtedness which reproduces itself so that it may borrow money from its children.
(clix·und·MOR·tur) adj. phr. 1. Descriptive of a company, typically a retailer, which is equally inept at both online and offline marketing. 2. Descriptive of a company, typically a retailer with a strong offline customer base, which is capable of launching well-targeted online volleys in its market niche and/or leveling explosive charges at its pure-play competition.
(CLY·unt·mynd) adj. phr. 1. Descriptive of a database model which gives clients access to frustration and hopelessness previously available only to the host company's sales department. 2. Descriptive of an information provision model which allows clients to free access to the core asset of the company in the naive belief that giving away the company's core information product will somehow be viewed by investors as a productive step toward profitability.
(KAW·nuh·kull) adj. 1. Of intellectually inferior design or origin etym. from the shape of headgear suggested as appropriate attire for the designer or originator.
(KAWN·tent free) adj. 1. Devoid of redeeming value or meaning. 2. Entertaining, possibly possessing addictive qualities. 3. Popular, profitable, or critically-acclaimed.
(kun·TOO·mur) adj. derog. Client or customer whose parasitism grows to the point where it requires excision using legal surgery. alt. sp. con·tum·or, cus·tum·or
(CRAP·lut) n. 1. Small application with capacity for damage and error comparable to a large application. 2. Web page gadget, usually programmed in Java, used to transform valueless web content into awesome valueless web content.
(CRASH val·yoo) n. phr. 1. The lowest possible value of a stock before it is essentially worthless. 2. The actual value of any given stock.
(krit·ik·ul MASS) n. The degree of physical size a venture must attain to break through an arbitrary symbolic barrier of growth, market penetration or revenue, and still retain enough forward momentum to insure self-destruction on impact with the barrier which lies just beyond the first.
(kurv·uh·LIN·ee·ur) adj. 1. Descriptive of a line representing the shortest distance between two opinions, both of which are wrong. 2. Descriptive of a path or process which follows the shortest vector between point A and point 2.
(SY·bur·skwaw·tur) n. 1. Malevolent individual or organization which acquires the rights to an Internet domain with the intent of holding that domain for ransom. 2. Benevolent individual or organization which acquires the rights to an Internet domain, and who kindly holds this domain on the trademark owner's behalf until ordered by the courts to surrender it.
(DASH·bord·ud) adj. 1. Designed with an interface intended to provide the high-performance feel and excitement of a cube van. 2. Terminated (employee) or closed down (venture) with extreme force while accelerating at high speed without sufficient attention to safety or use of restraints. 3. Terminal condition seen in compulsive enthusiasts of auto racing games in which a real-world construction barrier is momentarily mistaken for a launch ramp or power-up.
(dee·LIV·ur·uh·bul) n. Generic term for any objective or milestone which is both promised and impossible to provide. adj. Capable of being provided, but not in the form advertised, on the date specified, or to the customer desiring it.
(dee·PED·uh·tayt) v. 1. A management tactic consisting of elimination of essential unskilled positions as a way to provide experienced employees with a convenient downward career path. 2. To cut someone off at the feet as a compassionate alternative to cutting them off at the knees.
(dee·WY·urd) adj. 1. Untethered to electronic devices by personal choice; antisocial or sociopathic. 2. Having a life, as opposed to having a lifestyle. 3. Having expensive toys one uses infrequently as work tools, as opposed to having expensive work tools that one commonly uses as toys.
(DIJ·ur·it) adj. 1. Digitally literate; usually at the expense of common sense or emotional maturity. 2. Paradoxically knowledgeable about technology; capable of writing ten thousand lines of perfect code yet unable to correctly spell "softwear".
(DILL·bur·tyzd) adj. 1. Adhering closely to or modeled after cartoon reality. 2. Made so absurd that it mirrors reality. 3. Appearing to be controlled or managed by a rational individual while actually under the management of a psychotic animal. 4. Functioning normally. etym. From Scott Adams' theoretical research into workplace dynamics in the information technology industry.
(DINK·ruh·nyzd) adj. 1. Carefully aligned to function only when under the control of jerks or peons. 2. By dinks, for dinks. 3. Perfectly aligned with researched customer needs.
(DROOL·proof) adj. 1. Comprehensible by the least intelligent segment of the target market; understandable to journalists. 2. Resistant to newbie slobber.
(ur·lee uh·DAWP·tur). n. phr. 1. An individual or organization willing to pay a premium for the privilege of being among the first to suffer loss or damage from a technological innovation. 2. Individual or organization selected for early access to a product or service based on the amount they are willing to pay for the privilege of voiding any claim of liability. 3. Specially-bred human equivalent of the laboratory rat; raised in carefully-controlled environments known as test mar·kets.
(ee·DEK·o) n. 1. Artistic design genre inspired by web page development whose ethos involves fostering the feeling of having left one's youth, individuality and common sense on a long-forgotten desktop. adj. 2. Literally or figuratively papered with worthless share certificates.
(EE·gow·sur·fing) n. The self-abusive practice of entering one's name in Internet search engines to discover precisely how few websites actually mention it.
(YOO·row·syzd) adj. 1. Sized to meet the real demands of the European market; i.e. identical to an American equivalent in all respects but units of measurement. 2. Reduced in size or complexity to meet the demands of a less sophisticated European market; i.e. sized according to American research. 3. Increased in size and complexity to meet the demands of a more sophisticated European market; i.e. sized according to European research.
(FAYR·ee·dym) n. 1. A sugar-coated arbitrary reality. 2. A logical framework which omits or denies accepted fundamental principles of human stupidity, herd instinct or animal meanness. syn. spew·top·i·a
(FEE·chur kreep) n. phr. 1. The inherent capacity of features to multiply until they overgrow the capacity of a software application or hardware device, completely obscuring its original purpose with nonfunctional accessories, superfluous peripheral utilities and pointless configuration options. 2. The defining symptom of feat·ur·it·is, a terminal, cancer-like condition affecting more than 90 percent of all productivity software.
(fee·chur·FILL·thee) adj. phr. 1. Descriptive of software or hardware overloaded with options and capabilities to the point where it is applicable to virtually any task except the one for which it was created. 2. Descriptive of any process, device, product or structure which is so severely overthought or over-engineered that the use of its desktop shortcut or ON switch requires certification or a liability waiver.
(fee·ko·SEN·trik) adj. 1. Of an individual, one enamored with one's own crappiest ideas. 2. In marketing, to be focused, through duress or client pressure, on the odor and appearance of a wet dung heap rather than the diamond-like sparkle which reflects from its surface.
(FY·bur kamp·ing) adj. phr. Bandwidth-hungry; descriptive of a network node which inhales so much data and is so unwilling to share the pipe that no one else present on the network can take a token or get high bandwidth.
(FISH·far·mur) n. phr. 1. Internet entrepreneur who earns their living from the commercial harvest of gullible neophytes using shiny objects as bait; the primary provider of raw fuel to advocates of Internet commerce legislation.
(FISH·un·a·bull) adj. 1. Volatile; susceptible to destruction when exposed to insufficient financial catalyst. Used of enterprises, projects, entities and individuals. 2. Susceptible to explosion when exposed to sufficient financial catalyst. 3. Susceptible to emotional combustion as a consequence of deadline pressure and excessive caffeine intake.
(flat·dy·NAM·uk) adj. phr. Having little or no propensity for motion or movement in any direction; used to describe something as safe or dull in situations where plain English is not sufficiently obscure or confusing.
(FLOR·wurd·luk·ing) adj. Pessimistic, having the foresight to have applied for welfare before the earnings report is issued
(FLO·rè·duh kerv). n. phr. Plotted curve displaying extreme swings between high and low values over a short period of time; refers to the typical career arc of an IT executive or the valuation curve of a new-technology stock. etym. Derived from the results curve of the 2000 US presidential election. syn. roller-coaster
(FOO·bayst) adj. 1. Ephemeral; based on a foo. 2. Based on a concept, principle, technique or term which has not yet been invented, let alone studied, tested or proven to conform to known laws of nature. 3. Descriptive of any product or service which is unmarketable without the invention of a new buzzword.
(for·oh·FOWR). n. acr. (Error) Four Oh Four. 1. Not there; not connected, not present or relevant; e.g. a junior executive. 2. A clueless individual, typically a client or competitor. etym. From the standard error that occurs when attempting to access web content which the host has finally had the good sense to remove from public view.
(FREK·uld) adj. 1. Descriptive of an Internet address which includes sufficient dots and slashes to filter out possible visitors who do not yet know how to copy and paste. 2. Descriptive of a dot-com venture comprising a large number of Internet domains (dots), typically none of which produce enough com to justify the existence of the venture.
(FREE·wayr) n. 1. Software for which no money is charged because the act of doing so would reduce its usership to zero. 2. Perfectly useful software given away at no cost in the misguided belief that its provision will encourage sales of more complex and less useful versions of the same software. 3. Software liberated from its commercial status, permitting developer and publisher to pursue more productive careers as panhandlers.
(FRESH·niss dayt) n. phr. 1. A date, usually in the past, after which a product or service becomes obsolete or worthless. 2. Of two dates on a software package, one of which is the copyright date, the older.
(FRYT·syzd) adj. 1. Reduced in size and redundancy to the degree that it dare not move in any direction. 2. Staffed and budgeted in a fashion that virtually guarantees failure; sized appropriately to increase share value.
(FRINK) n. 1. Something so ineffable that it cannot be made buzzword-compliant. 2. A brilliant idea or concept whose time does not lie within this continuum of reality. 3. An idea or concept which is certain to conquer the world in the 2050's. 3. Foo with a stronger odor.
(FRAWB·uh·bull) adj. 1. Offering soothing or satisfying tactile feedback. Generally refers to ergonomically-designed input devices such as mice, trackballs or subordinate co-workers of the opposite sex. 2. (obscure) Easily hacked for the purpose of obtaining enhanced access or privileges.
(FROWN·syzd) adj. 1. Sufficiently reduced in number of personnel to insure minimal demands for employee benefits. 2. Proposed by management.
(FUD·proof) adj. Immune to changes in value perception caused by Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt; common term used in investor relations to describe technology stocks and speculative ventures vulnerable to the slightest changes in market perception.
(FYOO·chur·proof) adj. 1. Credibly presentable as cutting-edge by cave dwellers and Amazonian tribesmen. 2. Obsolete tomorrow, as opposed to being obsolete yesterday.
(GAYTZ taks). n. phr. 1. The portion of a personal computer's purchase price which is paid to offset the cost of Microsoft's legal defense team. 2. The portion of any bill for services rendered on a Windows PC which covers the cost of time lost to Windows system crashes, software updating and administrator psychotherapy. rel. double-Billing v. phr. The practice of adding Gates tax to an invoice for work done on Windows PCs.
(GLOWB·strap·ung) adj. Giving the illusion of instantly serving a massive global market consisting the entire world. v. The act of launching a venture, service, concept or application in the global marketplace in a manner that instantly fails to serve users of all nationalities.
(GAWD·ruh·kwest·ud) adj. 1. Descriptive of a mandate which is nonsensical or unenforceable but which nonetheless must be adopted at the insistence of management or a chief investor. 2. Descriptive of a management or board request which is to be ignored at all costs or, at worst, given attention only when the venture is on its deathbed.
(goh·nad·SEN·truk) adj. 1. Of a thing, appealing to the lowest common denominator; base; sexual or sexualized in a gender-indeterminate way. 2. Of a person, denoting dominant qualities oriented around things base and sexual; in a female, upwardly-mobile; in a male, likely to become a civil liability.
(HAK·ruh·nihm) n. 1. A previously non-existent word of dubious meaning which is created from the first letters of a phrase whose words have an equally dubious meaning in context of the subject they are intended to describe. 2. Any acronym with the obscurity and incomprehensibility of the previous definition.
(HAKS·ohr) n. Self-descriptive term used by novice security crackers to instill fear in potential victims of their online exploits; a warning that the aggressor's incompetence poses a greater threat than their skill. also h4><·Ør·1N6 ("haxoring"), v. The commission of an aggressive act on a network of such incompetence that the perpetrator must be stopped to prevent the targets of such attacks from injury caused by excessive laughter.
(HEET·seek·ung) adj. Having built-in sensors capable of detecting radiant energy fields emanating from a money clip or credit card. n. Activity pattern common in low-level IT workers in northern climates during periods of economic downturn.
(HELL·uh·kawp·tur lev·ul) n. phr. 1. Between "eye-level" and "sky-level". An optimistic perspective which is unreal but not quite managerially so. 2. Barely workable; a concept or idea which is lofty but not to the point of being entirely starved for oxygen.
(HORS·shoo geht) n. phr. 1. Something acquired under circumstances of notable luck and/or good fortune which is facilitated by pressure, coercion, or the misfortune of others; e.g. the acquisition of a rich uncle's fortune through a bizarre accident involving a meat cleaver and a blackjack. 2. An acquisition made at the fortuitous moment when it causes the greatest pain or inconvenience to the seller. etym. From American pioneer lore; ranchers' wives occasionally inherited fortunes when spouses died from being "accidentally" struck by the horseshoe hung over the front door for good luck.
(hy·DRAWL·ix) n. 1. Measure or mechanics of pass-through capability; the capacity of a node or subnet to pump data from a network, or of a venture to pump money from customers or investors. 2. Measure or mechanics of an individual's capacity to suck the life out of an otherwise healthy enterprise.
(ID·mowd) n. phr. 1. The lowest level of creativity; base, animal and instinctual; beyond which it is neither safe nor profitable to rise. 2. The safest and most potentially profitable of all creative modes applied in any marketing situation.
(in·fow·TAYN·munt). n. 1. Educational information heavily wrapped in entertainment or repackaged as amusement, typically as a means of concealing the horrific nature of the information itself e.g. world news delivered by a naked model. 2. Distasteful information treated in a glamorized fashion e.g. hemorrhoid treatment jingles performed by boy-bands.
(in·SENT·ud) adj. 1. Having already received incentive or motivation, and thus resentful of having to earn that which one already possesses. 2. Possessed of a consuming desire to drive one's competitor or enemy to bankruptcy. 3. Cognizant of the proximity of one's perceived value to zero.
(in·noh·VAY·shun fuh·teeg). n. phr. 1. A weakening effect in financial structures that results from repeated upgrade stress. 2. Pathological dispassion or apathy marked by the lack of ability to react to hype; tired of the same new thing.
(eer·ruh·FYOOT·uh·bull) adj. 1. Descriptive of a fact, principle or logical inference which has been disproven by as-yet-unpublished data. 2. Descriptive of any false or illogical statement made by a well-armed or exceptionally wealthy individual. 3. Descriptive of any fact, principle or logical inference put forth by management or network administration.
(I·thefd) n. 1. Assumption of another individual's identity through the acquisition of their vital documents and personal information, usually with the intent of having more fun with it than the original owner. 2. Surreptitious depersonalization, esp. when done by a machine or bureaucracy. 3. Theft of something trivial or poorly understood e.g. source code.
(ka·ROW·shee) n. subj. Death from overwork; occupational obligation of new-technology workers.
(KEV·un) n. A fact of apparent importance which is likely to be repeated long after its meaning is forgotten. etym. from Kevin Mitnick, convicted American cracker ca. 1992; the catchphrase "Free Kevin" is still widely used by those who have no idea what it means or how much a kevin used to cost.
(NYF·tym) n. The period of time between the arrival of a new employee or the creation of a new position and its termination; a variable unit of time representing the current standard interval between firings.
(LEET) adj. 1. Of an elevated or distinguished class of lameness, especially when used as a self-description. 2. Vowel-challenged. syn. c001, k3w1
(left·uv·SENT·urd) adj. phr. 1. Firmly grounded in a liberal orientation; evolved intellectually and emotionally beyond the evolutionary limits of common sense. 2. Solidly anchored in the upper atmosphere.
(LAYG·luss) adj. Stripped of ability to generate its own motion; descriptive of something not sufficiently devalued by merely cutting it off at the knees.
(lit·uh·GAY·shun·proof) adj. 1. Sufficiently obfuscated that it can cheat customers and/or suppliers in ways which are only detectable by software which is illegal to possess. 2. Capable of producing sufficient harm its victims will lack even the quarter needed to call a lawyer.
(MAW·fee·uh·boy) v. To apply denial-of-service attacks in the cause of disrupting a website's service with sufficient intensity and duration that the site's users and investors must find less wasteful uses of their resources. n. A forced therapeutic intervention between the provider of an Internet-based service and those who are addicted to its use.
(MAN·udj·munt·prewf) adj. 1. Constructed from two layers: one functional and hidden, the other decorative and accessible, such that the functional core becomes valueless if the employee who created it is threatened with downsizing. 2. Beyond bulletproof; sufficiently robust to withstand management input.
(MAR·kut·strap·ung) adj. Of an enterprise, product or service, able to create its own market, typically by selling to itself or its shareholders. v. 2. The act of creating a market where none should logically exist; the creation or revelation of new customers for one's competitors. 3. A mythical property of new-economy ventures which produce not just the product, but the market which consumes it.
(MAY·tag·mohd) adj. 1. Descriptive of operational standards specified for optimal reliability, typically due to the perceived incompetence of available maintenance and upgrading. 2. The most reliable, and by implication the least useful, operating mode for any system or component.
(mur·chun·TAYN·munt) n. 1. Amusement or entertainment provided by a merchant or vendor for the purpose of providing distraction while a customer's pocket is picked. 2. A paradoxical entertainment or attraction which marketers believe will entertain customers and which customers believe could only entertain a marketers.
(MOON·tan) n. 1. The fluorescent gray pallor given off by the skins of veteran new-economy workers, caused by overexposure to fluorescent lighting and cathode-ray tube emissions. Well-developed tans exhibit a momentary yellow glow when the room is darkened. 2. Mental condition produced by prolonged lack of exposure to sunlight, typified by fear of daylight and desire to work nonstandard shifts; the first symptom of vampirism or server administration aptitude.
(more·tur·BORD·a·bull) adj. 1. Of highly intelligent concept or execution but negligible commercial value. 2. Niche-marketable only to MENSA members or FreeBSD users. 3. (derog.) Notion believed by the originator to be highly intelligent or creative, but which is sufficiently idiotic or dangerous that it merits public decapitation of the originator by their own graduation headgear.
(mul·tee·TEERD) adj. 1. Having more than one level of marginal functionality. 2. Sufficiently complex to require a multiple of its projected budget. 2. Unworkable at many levels simultaneously.
(mohst GRO·uh·bull) adj. phr. 1. Descriptive of clients or customers with the highest billings-to-market-cap ratios. 2. Of clients or customers, those who least appreciate the core worthlessness of an offering. 3. Of prospective customers, those who will not purchase but who might if the offering had any actual value.
(MOWSS puh·tay·tow). n. phr. An enlightened individual of high technological awareness who has achieved the enlightened realization that life is most safely, productively and enjoyably experienced through a computer screen. etym. The degree of enlightenment has come to be measured by the number of eyes (simultaneous processes), and the length of the roots extending from them, as a consequence of meditating before the screen for extended periods. rel. baked potato A computer operator or television addict on drugs.
(NAP·stur·yzd) adj. 1. Descriptive of sanction in which one is restricted from providing customers or clients with a streamlined method of conducting an illegal activity, forcing them to acquire the same service from another party whose injunction is still pending. 2. Descriptive of a venture which has chosen to devote a preponderance of its capital to legal costs as a means of compressing the timeline between product development and end-user litigation.
(NAZ·dak druhm) n. phr. 1. A company whose financing is so tight that the next quarter-point downturn will sink it with a low-frequency thud. 2. A company or individual who touts (drums) the virtues of investment in the NASDAQ. 3. The barrel or container in which an individual who consistently engages in the activity described in (2) will inevitably live.
(NET·kor) adj. 1. Having an existence or lifestyle exclusively oriented around the Internet; typically possessed of a belief that humanity was invented by computers as a means of manipulating data. 2. Extreme in belief in and adherence to the notion that that everything on the Internet should be free except that which one cannot figure out how to pirate.
(NET·joo·disst) adj. 1. Biased against things Internet; willing to call a spade a filthy shovel without first checking encyclopedia.com. 2. Possessed of the uncommon awareness that while nature does not produce virtual life, Microsoft and AOL are diligently seeking to correct this cosmic oversight.
(NET·strap·ung) adj. Able to present the illusion of having invented a new purpose for the Internet. v. The act of launching a unique venture, service, concept or application on the Internet in a manner which convinces press and investors that it will actually survive beyond next Tuesday.
(new·roh·moh·BIL·uh·tee) adj. 1. In a person, the ability to effortlessly switch from one unproductive train of thought to another. 2. A network or system's ability to automatically develop new methods of withholding the desired results.
(NAWN·lyn) adj. 1. Having no connection to or with things online, and thus nonexistent. 2. Having no connection to or with things online, and thus something to be feared or avoided.
(oh·pin·yun·EK·tuh·mee) n. A type of managerial surgery used to remove healthy beliefs before they can affect the growth of fiscal cancers.
(PAK·uht·mung·kee) n. phr. A hacker or cracker who gains fame or notoriety through the application of aggressive denial-of-service techniques; a deliberate network agitator considered amusing and harmless but too odorous and noisy to be kept as a pet. syn. maf·i·a·boy scout
(PAY·pur·hang·ur) n. phr. 1. An individual who collects training certificates with the expectation that these certificates will be worth more to prospective employers than actual experience. 2. One who seeks certification in fields unrelated to their current position as an alternative to performing actual work. 3. One who engages in strategic placement of training certificates on an office wall to cover blemishes or gaping holes in their ability.
(PAY·pur·wayr) n. phr. 1. Books, bound manuals, brochures and other forms of printed data which cause damage to hardware when inserted into disk drives. 2. Any data which is less credible in printed form than in digital form.
(PAYR·uh·dym·proof) adj. 1. An illusion sufficiently solid to withstand comparison to conflicting illusions. 2. Resistant to the mutating effects of high-velocity spin.
(payr·uh·NYOO·rul) adj. "Brain-like"; having the most rudimentary characteristics of independent thought; resembling or having the appearance of a customer.
(FEER) v. Cautionary expression used by novice hackers and script kiddies to indicate that the target of aggression should fear is the potential consequences of the aggressor's incompetence. usage "ph34r my l33t hA><0R1nG zkillz!"
(PLAW·duh·kul) adj. 1. Logic not yet mature enough to prove itself pointless. 2. That which gives the appearance of being purposely slow in revealing its purposelessness. etym. Unknown. Derived either a combination of plod and meth·od·ic·al or pol·it·ic·al and clod.
(pluhg·und·PAY) adj. phr. Third-party computer hardware which is non-functional "out-of-the-box", thus eliminating the anxiety typically experienced while waiting for a functional piece of hardware to fail.
(POYNT·sorst) adj. Acquired via the most direct and efficient means; e.g. from the dealer acting as regional agent to the distributor supplied by a representative of the producer located in the office next door to the customer.
(powst·VIZ·yoo·ul) adj. 1. Stimulating of the sixth sense in a way that allows defects and shortcomings to be intuited before they are actually observed. 2. Descriptive of a process or effect perceived optically which bypasses the optic nerve and washes the brain directly.
(POWT·sors) v. 1. To reluctantly acquire today something which wasn't needed yesterday. 2. To acquire any resource from a third party in a manner which denies the acquisitor the future ability to complain about its lack.
(prag·RET·ro) adj. Disposed to selection of obsolete technologies or techniques for practical (pragmatic) reasons; specifically, having the good sense to realize that the most efficient version of a piece of software or hardware for any given job is the version the manufacturer withdrew from sale last week. also prog·ret·ro Progressively retrograde; having the propensity to advance toward the past.
(pre·AK·choo·uh·lyzd) adj. 1. At full potential before it is needed, and therefore likely to be worn out by the time it is used. 2. Something which fulfills its purpose before it is required, but must nonetheless be made available.
(pre·SIP·ruh·kul) adj. 1. Descriptive of an arrangement in which both parties are dissatisfied with the results before the transaction is conducted. 2. Descriptive of an arrangement in which both parties have unknowingly met the exact needs of the other party, thus requiring both parties to seek a mutually-agreeable dissatisfaction through litigation.
(prym·TYM·uh·bull) adj. 1. Descriptive of a concept, product or service which is mature enough to fail in national markets to the same degree as it failed in test markets. 2. Sufficiently useful and desirable to have already been stolen and re-engineered by a major corporation.
(PRAWD·ukt·yzd) adj. 1. Anything once offered freely and available primarily to those who least need it which is now charged exorbitantly and provided primarily to those who can least afford it. 2. Anything more desirable as a manufactured product than in its a natural form, e.g. sex, food, clothing, housing, play, social intercourse, religion, sleep, life, etc.
(PROH·toh·kawn·sept) n. A notion or idea in embryonic form; the creative equivalent to the sensation of pressure in the abdomen felt immediately prior to breaking wind.
(PUMP·und·dump) v. phr. To artificially elevate the value of a worthless asset prior to its disposal; analogous to issuing invitations to a bowel movement. etym. From crude sales slang, delicately translated: "love 'em and leave 'em".
(PYOOR PLAY) adj. phr. 1. A product or services company which markets exclusively online to its only loyal customer. 2. A company which vends product or services online as a means of avoiding the discomfort and inconvenience of actual human contact. 3. The primary workplace activity engaged in by employees of online-only companies.
(PWISH·bak·proof) adj. 1. Capable of achieving a deadline despite the best efforts of management and customers to thwart the attempt. 2. Capable of sustaining developmental progress despite the apparent benefits of staying put.
(RAD·vanst) adj. 1. Capability of software developed through Rapid Application Development techniques to achieve obsolescence in a fraction of the time required for products developed in less efficient ways. 2. Descriptive of software or hardware sufficiently technologically advanced that average individuals are capable of using or operating it with the same level of incompetence as an expert. 3. Descriptive of software developed rapidly and cheaply enough to justify the hardware upgrade required to run it.
(ree·AY·jin·tud) adj. An alchemical process in which an idea, concept, commercial venture or product is transformed from solid asset to liquid excrement; the transformation is effected by filtering the asset through multiple agents, frequently using alcohol or gold as a catalyst.
(ree·SEN·truh·lyzd) adj. 1. Descriptive of a resource or structure restored to where it should have been all along. 2. Descriptive of a thing loved so jealously that, if it is let go, must be retrieved by force since it will not return on its own.
(ree·CHOOZ·uh·bull) adj. 1. An item selectable from a comparable group whose shortcomings are least likely to offend, irritate or cause permanent damage. 2. An item identical in form and purpose to comparable items but incompatible with any other item but itself. 3. Descriptive of a consumer action or set of actions which is consistently repeatable once an appropriate bribe level has been determined.
(ree·sy·kul·RED·ee) adj. phr. 1. Useless, but with the potential to be equally useless for a different purpose. 2. Time- and environment-friendly by virtue of its being suitable for disposal at the moment it is acquired. syn. en·vir·on·ment-read·y
(ree·HIT·uh·bull) adj. 1. Descriptive of an Internet attraction of such extreme pointlessness or idiocy that visitors return to it repeatedly to confirm that their first visit was not a fatigue-induced hallucination. 2. Descriptive of a theoretical Internet attraction compelling enough to be worth a second visit.
(REE·think proof) adj. 1. Ideally strategically aligned with 19th-century business principles. 2. Proposed by management; sacrosanct. 3. A plan or strategy of such insane or irrational scope that it must be workable.
(ritsh KAWN·tuhnt). n. phr. 1. Kilobyte-laden Internet data saturated with audio and/or video to the point where it clogs Internet arteries when consumed; heavy corporate consumers often require a double or triple bypass of their existing Internet service provision arteries to restore healthy e-mail circulation. 2. Costly multimedia Internet material; ironic term which implies the poverty which inevitably results for the producer/provider of said content.
(ryt·uv·SENT·urd) adj. phr. 1. Firmly grounded in a conservative orientation; unflappable in the face of any human suffering but one's own. 2. Possessed of an ego deserving of its own insurance policy.
(ROK·ut·fyoo·ul) n. phr. The market niche in which a company or venture projects its most rapid early growth and premature self-destruction. 2. A substance which appears to resemble money but combusts when handled, frequently resulting in permanent damage and scarring to all nearby observers.
(ROW·vur·yzd) adj. Having acquired canine characteristics; transformed into a total dog.
(SAY·guhn·yzd) adj. 1. (common) Increased in magnitude by a factor of billions and billions. 2. (finan.) Increased in value by a factor of bullions and bullions.
(skorcht URTH) n. phr. A Darwinian business tactic in which a venture uses all its resources in advance of need, thus insuring that its more deserving competitors will survive to strengthen the gene pool. syn. os·trich gam·bit
(SEE·ree·ul·kill·ur) adj. phr. Descriptive of a product or service which will fail to dominate in more than one category. n. phr. Manager or executive known to be responsible for the deaths of numerous enterprises and who will steer their current venture to profitability by developing a winged pig.
(SHORT·path) adj. phr. 1. An alternative business or product development strategy which saves time and money by skipping vital steps and focusing on the nonessential ones. 2. A venture development method designed to compress the time period between bankruptcies.
(SLASH·dawt·ud) adj. 1. Inundated by Internet traffic to the point where one's web server crashes, typically as a consequence of the site being advertised as offering free pornography. 2. Having suffered a server crash from a surge in web traffic caused by a rumor that the site has crashed.
(slug·und·SLAY) adj. phr. 1. Peripheral PC device such as a card or camera which is sufficiently incompatible with the host computer to force an unrecoverable crash. 2. Software application or hardware device sufficiently crash-prone that tactile input devices such as force-feedback mice become workplace injury hazards.
(SMYL·bal·unst) adj. phr. 1. Engineered to produce the optimum compromise between deserved revulsion and undeserved enjoyment. 2. Sufficiently problematic to insure healthy maintenance revenues.
(SMOK·test·ud) adj. 1. Of a person, idea or piece of equipment, proven durable under extreme circumstances; typically that which has survived both the NASDAQ crash and an SEC audit. 2. Of a company or enterprise, esp. a pure-play dot-com, one which has proven an ability to maintain marginal profitability selling goods or services from which its customers earn massive fortunes.
(SMURF·ung) n. An annoying but relatively harmless form of attack on an Internet address, in which a multitude of clients or other hosts are made to babble in an incoherent and apparently friendly manner at the target with an intensity that makes other attempts to use the target address appear small and silly. Typically the owner of the target is left feeling blue, foolish, exploited, and improperly attired for this environment.
(SNAYL·uh·bull) adj. 1. Transportable by mail, courier or some other delivery method to a recipient who has no need of the shipment. 2. Volatile, inflammatory or controversial; best transmitted via the slowest and costliest means. 2. Capable of being performed just as well and at a fraction of the cost if done without the aid of networked computers.
(SNEE·kur pee·kur) n. phr. 1. Of two or more individuals, the more submissive; the individual whose gaze averts floorward in the hope of spotting valuables dropped by the less submissive. 2. A real or imagined ethical dilemma in which public humiliation or personal degradation is not compensated sufficiently to prevent a split-second of shameful self-examination.
(spyoo tek·NAW·luh·jee) n. phr. 1. Technology produced for the sake of production, typically for purposes of meeting output forecasts. 2. The product of busywork; the new-economy equivalent of vomit or toxic waste.
(spin·cruh·MENT·al) adj. Descriptive of alleged change small enough to be measured in micropundits.
(SPIN·diz·zee) adj. 1. Suffering from vertigo caused by exposure to excessive punditry or propaganda. 2. Sufficiently disoriented by geekspeak and market jargon as to be a willing consumer of anything.
(SPIN·shift·ung) v. The act of redefining the appearance of that which is already made-up or artificial e.g. the application of black lipstick and leather to a Ballerina Barbie. adj. Descriptive of a fact or idea capable of whacking propaganda so hard that it rotates on its ideological axis.
(STINK·rapt) adj. 1. Useful, but packaged with an odor repellent to those most likely to benefit from it. 2. Useless, but packaged with an odor which is completely unnoticeable until the seal is broken and the product is non-returnable.
(STRAT·uh·kul) adj. 1. Strategically methodical; moving so slowly that any damage it produces can escape easy detection. 2. Vertically scalable to such a degree that its highest levels are stratospheric (i.e. unattainable) and thus of interest only to prospective investors.
(STRYF·sy·kul) n. phr. 1. The period of maximum stress in a business' life cycle; typically the period between the moment when the first idea is conceived and the moment when the last fixture is liquidated.
(STRUK·chur·yzd) adj. 1. Having logical form or structure, given that one or more fundamental laws of nature are false. 2. Given an illusory form or structure to compensate for a total lack of purpose or, alternately, to conceal all traces of actual functionality. 3. Transformed from something productive and enjoyable into something its owners can control.
(SOO·pur·syzd) adj. 1. Sized so excessively that the contents or benefits of the offering cannot be safely consumed by a customer with mortal appetites, but still attractively priced on a per-unit basis. 2. Sized appropriately for normal use or consumption, but priced far in excess of the typical consumer's budget.
(SIS·tuh·muh·tyzd) adj. Descriptive of a task, plan or process which is engineered or executed with sufficient precision and rigidity that those engaged in executing it will resign of their own volition, negating the need to downsize when it fails.
(TAYK·hohm play) n. phr. Additional reimbursement for services or employment consisting of finely-detailed engraved paper bearing legalese, arbitrary values and collectible autographs, sometimes referred to as "stock certificates". etym. Name refers to their primary value, which is typically as gifts to children or schools for use as craft paper.
(tek·NEEK·luss) adj. 1. Consisting purely of technology; requiring no operator intervention, creative thought or decision-making; either a hardware device, a voice mail system, or an offspring of upper management. 2. Descriptive of non-adjustable processes or methods intended to result in production savings sufficient to offset the cost of employee rage counseling. 2. Capable of executing its intended function so perfectly and automatically that it can never be approved for use or sale.
(THIN·braynd) adj. 1. Of a device or system, one with insufficient processing power to perform a useful function without sucking valuable processing power from another machine with insufficient processing power. 2. Of a person, one capable of absorbing and internalizing motivational materials; an individual endowed with sales or public relations acumen.
(THINK·rapt) adj. 1. Packaged with judicious consideration of the needs of the inventor. 2. Naked; packaged in nothing but an unworkable idea. 3. Absence of value disguised as a new paradigm.
(three·hun·drid·sicks·tee·wun-duh·GREE) adj. 1. That which completes its cycle and goes one step beyond, such that the cost of undoing the extraneous degree nullifies the benefits of completing the cycle. 2. Having such broad scope that it can function one step beyond the parameters required to twist its own head off. also 365-degree: Having such broad scope that in going beyond its normal parameters, it forgets its original purpose.
(TY) n. archaic 1. Male wardrobe accessory worn around the neck for use by customers or superiors as a leash by which one may be led or hanged. Replaced in modern speech by cel phone, net·work ca·ble or e·mail ac·count. 2. Outcome of a head-to-head conflict or competitive scenario in which both sides claim victory.
(TILT·proof) adj. 1. Of a device or application, capable of withstanding severe punishment without revealing the inferiority of its design. 2. Of an individual, one able to withstand close proximity to rapidly-rotating spin without yielding to gravitational pull or clinging to a popular belief for support.
(transs·ACK·shun) n. 1. A commercial exchange in which the customer has been rendered comatose by alcohol or technical data prior to payment. 2. An online business transaction which requires so many page loads and download waits that the screen saver engages before a credit card number can be entered.
(TREND·lut). n. Small, predatory trend that ceaselessly seeks out the sustenance necessary to grow to maturity; often mistaken for a fad by unfortunate onlookers who are unaware that trends acquire powerful biting abilities shortly after they learn to suck.
(TRAK·shun·liss) adj. 1. Able to spin its wheels so noisily that it the curiosity factor inherent in the irritation justifies permitting the spin to continue. 2. Movable in a forward direction only by powering through the slippery remains of those in its path who insist that it is unable to move.
(trayd·mark·SAYF) adj. 1. A name, concept or idea so outrageous or impractical that no one else has devoted time and energy to patenting or trademarking it. 2. An uncopyrightable or unpatentable name, concept or idea whose ownership can nonetheless still be claimed through ritual mortal combat between trademark lawyers.
(TRAN·uh·lawg) adj. Descriptive of a thing in transition between analog and digital; analogous to a skydiver in transition between an airplane and the ground; except that there is no paralog available to assure an injury-free landing.
(TRAWG) n. An individual who displays traits or behavior consistent with a precivilized evolutionary stage. etym. Derived from trog·lo·dyte, a species of homo sapiens once believed extinct but recently rediscovered in isolated pockets of the securities and banking sectors.
(TROL·wr·thee) adj. 1. Deemed fit for provocation without purpose, or suitable for use in exploitive forms of recreation. etym. Derived from the sport of fly fishing; troll·ing v. A technique invented by fish to lure unwitting humans into providing them with an arbitrary or random goal for purposes of play, organized racing, or cardiovascular exercise.
(TWIT fill·tur) n. phr. 1. In e-mail, a software device or script designed to block correspondence and messaging from customers, investors and other undesirable individuals by automatically filtering any communication containing words and phrases such as "forward guidance", "please" and "final billing notice". 2. A conversational or literary device, usually consisting of doublespeak or jargon, invoked to deliberately baffle everyone except the lone smart-ass who is unafraid to ask for an explanation.
(un·BUN·dulled) adj. 1. Removed from a collective offering of products or services, either as a result of the disastrous effects it had on the perceived value of the bundle, or due to research indicating that support costs for the item exceed the revenue for the entire bundle. 2. Descriptive of a product or service required for use of another product with which it was formerly included, but which fetches a multiple of its prorated value when required as a separate component.
(un·SPUN) adj. 1. Stripped of false meaning or decoration; revealed for itself, e.g. the air inside an empty gift box. 2. Devoid of propaganda or forced interpretation; unlikely to be of interest to anyone.
(up·gruh·DAY·shun) v. 1. The process of adding new features to software to insure that it operates at precisely half of its current efficiency on hardware with twice the current power. 2. The process of accelerating the natural decay of a product or service by continually improving it.
(UP·spin) v. The act of applying cosmetics to that which consists of pure makeup. n. Measure of the innate capacity of factual excrement to resemble a foodstuff.
(VAK·yoom sweet) n. phr. 1. An integrated software package, usually a multipurpose database, oriented toward absorbing input or storage space as opposed to producing output. Distinguishable from a productivity suite by the powerful suction it exerts on time.
(val·you·AD·dud) adj. Descriptive of important options or extras which are included at no extra cost in competitive offerings.
(VAL·you foh·kisst) adj. 1. Oriented toward providing the vendor with maximum satisfaction at minimum cost. 2. misuse When used in place of values-focused, oriented toward excluding all possible customers except those with the same narrow belief set as the provider of the product or service.
(VAL·you praw·puh·zih·shun) n. phr. 1. A description of benefits of something which has no value whatsoever. 2. That benefit which the customer will be sold regardless of the actual purpose for which the customer wants the offering. 3. That benefit which the customer will receive by avoiding the potential consequences of rejecting the proposition; an offer one cannot refuse e.g. Microsoft subscription licenses, banking services.
(WEB·uh·fyd) adj. 1. Stripped of content, functionality and/or impact for use on the World Wide Web. 2. A product or service traditionally offered offline which is made slow, clumsy, unfriendly or unreliable to insure a competitive advantage over slower, clumsier, nastier and flakier Internet offerings in its class.
(WEB·uhn·ar) n. 1. Seminar presented over the World Wide Web as a means of simultaneously expanding the potential audience for a dubious message and concealing the unpopularity of the message from the lone Ukrainian participant. 2. Seminar designed to instruct attendees on cutting-edge web tactics and strategies derived from 1998's most promising Internet startups. 3. Educational content delivered in a metal-detector-free environment.
(WEB·lift) n. 1. World Wide Web content upgrade, typically consisting of the addition of notices informing visitors of a content upgrade. 2. Overhaul of a web presence to increase the attractive power of the provider's content; analogous to repackaging air in a prettier box. v. 1. The practice of using graphical or text content taken from a web host without the permission of the owner of the site from which the first web originally stole their content.
(whyt hat HAK·ur). n. phr. A system hacker with conscience; one kind enough to alert administrators of hackable sites to their vulnerabilities before informing fellow hackers of the opportunity and taking bets on the winner.
(WYLD·pohst·ing). n. The practice of affixing posters or photocopies to trees, posts, construction boarding and other wooden fixtures in the mistaken belief that attaching paper to the raw material from which it came constitutes an environmentally friendly act.
(WINK·rapt) adj. phr. 1. Packaged in a misleading or insinuating manner, implying that the box really isn't empty. 2. Packaged in a manner that offers subtle clues to an exclusive group, typically peers of the developer or marketer, to the fact that the contents are worth less than the packaging.
(WIT·luhng). n. 1. Hapless wit; unwitting bore. 2. Individual who overestimates the sharpness of their wit and in so doing, chisels away the good humor of others, leaving only a sharp point whose sole functional purpose is to be driven forcefully into said individual's posterior. 3. Any individual whose jokes are funnier than yours. rel. wit·ter·ling syn. 98-pound speak·ling
(WAWM·bat). n. acr. Waste Of Money, Brains And Time. 1. Catch-all term for any idea, thing or concept that someone else likes. 2. A client or customer with an appetite for support exceeded only by their lawyers' appetite for litigation. etym. From the Australian marsupial, relative to the koala, which destroys plant systems by weakening their roots and voraciously consuming anything that threatens to grow to reasonable size.
(WURD·nap). v. 1. To impose a meaning on an existing word which differs substantively from its common definition e.g. quality, entertainment, delicious. 2. To protect a common word against misuse by an irresponsible public by copyrighting or trademarking it.
(wurd·uv·MOWS) n. phr. Method of viral promotion in which customers of a product or service apply email and other online communications methods to the task of informing other prospective customers of the virtues of a competitor's offering.
(WURK rayj). n. phr. 1. Explosive workplace anger stemming from a sudden insight into what is really going on. 2. An antisocial emotional disorder marked by administrator-like behavior.
(zeer·AW·kruh·see). n. 1. A social structure or organization subject to such severe censorship that surreptitiously-generated faxes, photocopies and e-mail constitute the only means of transmitting useful information. 2. A business or venture in stealth mode, in which communication is conducted either in code or using surreptitious methods to prevent shareholders and potential competitors from discovering the true hopelessness of the situation.
(YES·tur·tek). n. 1. Old or obsolete technology e.g. a new personal computer. 2. Ancient or historic technology e.g. a six-month-old personal computer.
(YET·ee). n. hackronym Young, Entrepreneurial, Tech-based Twenty-something. modern Young, unemployable former high-tech worker. archaic ca. 1999 Young, wealthy new technology entrepreneur. etym. Borrowed from the Tibetan yet·i; adapted from American mythology; a creature native to the mountainous regions of southwestern North America, reputed to be larger than life, and possessed of the ego strength of ten moguls. Said to be related to the big·shot, a mythical beast alleged to inhabit the forested mountain suburbs near Seattle, Washington, and the mo·gul, said by locals to terrorize vast regions of coastal Southern California.
(YO·duh). n. acr. Young, Opinionated, Directionless Academic. An individual who for ethical or philosophical reasons to perform the tasks for which they were employed, yet who has no such ethical dilemma about drawing a salary for not performing them. syn. boat an·chor, cubb·ly
(YOH·yoh) n. 1. A stock which repeatedly sinks to near-worthless levels but doesn't return to its original purchase value until the day after it is sold to someone who actually knows how to play it. 2. A stock whose value rises and falls dramatically on a regular basis, and which is held for a small long-term loss while one's friends get rich by playing its momentum swings.
(YUK fak·tur) n. phr. 1. The capacity of a thing to induce nausea when beheld. 2. A fudge factor or fixed quantity used to adjust the value of a contribution by management or trainees as a means of insuring that the resulting value is above zero.
(ZEN spin). n. phr. 1. The act of propagandizing through the non-application of propaganda, especially where propaganda is expected; permitting others to execute one's propaganda. 2. Self-canceling propaganda, or the absence of propaganda; characterized by the sound of one pundit debating.
(ZIP·ur·hed). n. 1. An individual such as a venture capitalist, politician or religious leader who has been surgically enhanced to permit easy removal of the brain when not needed. 2. An individual surgically or metaphorically modified to function without a brain or its corresponding sensory apparatus; an ideal customer.
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